When I don't care, I can play em like a Ken doll.

I really have no sympathy for girls who get played by guys.

You teach people how to treat you.
And you clearly taught them wrong.



Its no one else's responsibility to ensure you are getting the respect you deserve.





And thinking you are ugly without make-up is so unattractive.

Out here , Its like Im someone else. Thought that maybe I could find myself

Today in my world religions class I started crying during discussion because of how overwhelmingly simple religion is.

The evil of the world is the animosity between religions.

Its so hard for me to understand how people who follow the teaching of the most loving being can be so ugly towards others.

My teacher asked if there could ever be unity between all of the christian denominations ( asking if their will ever be ONE TRUE religion).

I answered that Christs plan was that there shouldn't be, and Lucifer's plan is that there should be. 

I feel like the most fundamental value of all religions is being completely overlooked.

Love one another.

Period. 

I feel like Im the worst so I always act like I'm the best

Anyone who has talked to me in the last 5 months knows I am job hunting.

 This is not like a "father-son-weekend-hunting-trip".

I am on a "backpacking-through-freaking-Africa-and-living-off-of-what-I-kill" job hunt. 

I genuinely haven't had time to wash  my interview outfit that's how often Im wearing it. 

Side note I love my interview outfit - Maroon peplum with black high waisted skinny slacks.

Thanks GEE-DUBS.

I dont even get nervous for job interviews anymore. 

I treat them like a day job.

I wake up and Im like "Another day in the office"

My neighbors must think I have a really grown up job with how often Im leaving the house in business clothes.

"Britanee has really established herself!"

Thats the idea....

Today's interview tale.

I sat watching a national geographic story on polar bear attacks as the man next to me (a fellow interviewee) fell asleep and softly snored.

A man who was had just been hired and arrived for training came in and explained to the girl next to me that the position being hired was a phone sales job.

*eye roll*

No thank you.

The receptionist runs over and pipes up "Alright, there are many positions, dont scare them away"

Darn right!

So now I am convinced this is going to be a waste of my time, again.

Finally, my name was called, and I shuffled up the stairs (of this surprisingly fancy place) into a small office with inspirational posters.

My interviewer was a large black man with a friendly smile.

We're talking Michael Clarke Dunkan like.

Now, me telling you this black an had a friendly smile is completely unnecessary.

And I will tell you why.

I THINK ALL BLACK MEN ARE SO FRIENDLY.

I think its a combination of my ghetto booty and my experiences in NYC that have made me more comfortable with black men than white men.

I could be in an abandoned parking lot at 3 am and see a large black man walking toward me and think "Im so glad that man is here, he will protect me from any danger"

If I am in a room full of no one I know, the first people I will talk to are men. 

Preferably large.

Preferably black.

That is the scale by  which I sort my socializing.

Its because they remind me of my brothers.

If someone looks like Taylor, I will instantly feel comfortable talking to him

And....we all know Andrew is Keenan Thompson's white counter part. 

I literally cant watch SNL without missing Andrew.

CONTINUING WITH THE ORIGINAL STORY.

So he asks me what Im looking for and I say something personable and fast paced, preferably hourly wage, not commission.

He begins to tell me about a commission position where I would have the potential to make 1000$ a week.

He then tactfully says "Well, you are very attractive, so .... you would do well."

Lets just talk about how that is the new theme of my job interviews.

I had no idea how much money I could make due to my above average face.....

I dont think Im breath-taking-ly beautiful, but I know how to do my eye make up and brush may hair and you would think any girl could master that....

But let me just tell you the job hunt brings out a lot of ugly girls.

We're talking girls who use charcoal pencils for eye liner and think a banana clip and scrunchies constitute a hairstyle.

Honey......

Im not joking when I say that today is not the first time I have been informed of how much money I have the potential to make due to my aesthetic.

I feel three things when I hear this and Im going to use percentages to describe their dominance.

Degraded 1%

Flattered 48%

Debate Cashing in on my looks while I have them 51%

Does that add up to 100%?

I dont know, but I dont have to know, because I could make a lot of money with how attractive I am.

You can stare at me all you want, but don't ask me to add up numbers....

Im not even going to pretend I dont love hearing it....

At this point im just like " come one....say it....lets not tip toe around it"

Of course the interview goes great because I am comfortable with him and there's lots of laughing and Im trying really hard not to say "OHHHHH CHILD"

He then tells me about an administrative position (WHICH IS WHAT IM LOOKING FOR) with bomb pay.

He asks me how many words per minute I can type and I reply " I dont know the exact number, lets just say in Facebook instant messaging , NO ONE  can keep up with me"

"So....maybe 25-30?"

"No, no, no. Much higher"

"Ohhhhhh girl, Im gonna write 45-55"

"Thats a safe bet"

He liked me lots and told me he would hand it over to the hiring manager for administrative.

It was NOT a waste of time.

SO that is today interview tale.

No porn involved.

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity

Im pretty stinkin overwhelmed so I wanted to post some angsty facebook status but then I remembered thats really stupid.


So im writing a blog instead.


Im getting D's in my classes.


That has never happened in my life.
The worst part is that its not that im slacking, its that the classes are very internet dependent and its causing all theese silly issues.

Whatever.

Guess I gotta sweet talk my way out of it.


Still on the job hunt.
I got another job, but it turned out to be porn, so I quit.

Lots of interviews next week, but now I am scared they are all porn.




List of things I have no choice but to do:

• make a salad and eat it
• clean the shower so Olivia will stay my friend and wont run away from my house screaming
• take 3 quizzes that i didnt know existed due to very poor communication
• clean my kitchen so Olivia will stay my friend and wont run away from my house screaming
• go buy new sheets cuz mine are ripped
• try and make that sound less sexual
• give up on trying to make that sound less sexual
• look around
• think about how much I want to move to NYC

So. I oughta go start that.

Ive been sleeping here instead

So. For spring break I went up and visited my sister and her family in Portland for a weekend trip.

I got on the plane like I always do, sat down and through the space between the seats in front of me peeks this tiny little chubby blonde.


I smile big at her, she giggles and scoots back where I cant see her.

The flight ends up getting delayed and so as mechanics fix our plane (which - side note- is the worst possible reason for a plane to be delayed, because then Im scared the engine will break in the sky) we have time to kill.
After many minutes of peek a boo, she finally pops up over her seat and pipes "WHATS YOUR NAME?"

"Britanee. Whats your name?"


"mmmmannmmy"

"Sorry?"


"MADY!" she replies excitedly


I tell her its nice to meet her and she replies with "Whats her name?" Pointing to the middle aged woman sitting next to me.

The lady next to me responds "Christa. But you can call me Chris"


Mady then turns her attention to me.

"How many pounds?"

"Im sorry?"

"How many pounds?"

"You mean how much do I weight?"

Mady nods excitedly.


"I weight 150 pounds."


This seemed to suffice for Mady and she then turned her attention to Chris "HOW MANY POUNDS?"

Chris smiled and answered "ohhhh 126 , last time I checked"


"How much do you weight, Mady?" I asked

"I dunno" She replied.


I asked her How old she was .

She replied with 4 little fingers held up at me.

Her dad (whom I had reassured I was not bothered by her consistent questions, in fact I was encouraging them) prodded her to tell me her birthday


She replied "SEPTEMBER 11TH!"



"What a great day for a birthday" I responded slyly.


"Yeah, its kinda sad" Mady responded

"No, no. Its your birthday and so for you it is happy."

I have some really funny material for birthdays on September 11th, but Im saving that or my stand up.


Then I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up

"A MOMMY!"


"Thats a good thing to be" I told her.

"ARE YOU A MOMMY?" she asked me

"No I am not"

She nodded and her follow up question happened to be "DO YOU HAVE A BABY IN YOUR BELLY!"

"No I sure dont."

"DO YOU WANT A BABY IN YOUR BELLY


"No manm"

"ARE YOU SURE YOU DONT HAVE A BABY IN YOUR BELLY?"

"Unless you know something I dont know, Im pretty sure Mady."


She was not satisfied with my string of answers, but I was.

Mady went on to ask me many other questions, such as my foots name, Chris's foots name etc.

She also asked me to hold her hand. And I did.

Cuz i freakin loved her!

Throughout the flight she would turn around and say "Are you ok, friend?"

She was too precious.

I saw her with her parents in the terminal as I was walking towards my car, and I was actually oddly sad Id never see her again.

I got a thing for the funny ones man.

My kid better be funny or I wont love it.

I've been tryin to do it right

So lets talk about the Oscars.

I only watched the end.

Luckily tho I did catch Kristen Stewart looking like a total coke whore.
The words that came out of my mouth:
"Kristen, stop doing coke before the Oscars.....She doesnt even go here"

Seriously, who did she have to cheat on to get into the Oscars?

She has really just stopped trying.
Lets see if the handy dandy internet has a picture of what I saw

Just like dead pugs, I got no results.

Then Jennifer Lawrence fell on her way up the stairs.
I think we were all hoping it would happen.
I love her, and I love hunger games....


But that is what happens where you disrespect Meryl.

Maybe next year you will leave your bed comforter at home and go with something lighter.
I suggest silk.

Clearly neither her or her stylist anticipated her walking up stairs during the night...

However, she handled it like a champ in this interview.

"Im sorry, I did a shot before this"

Clearly.

Its okay,  Quvenzhane Wallis probably would have fallen too, seeing as she just learned how to walk.


No Mcfarlin jokes, I missed the boob song....or something.


Nope just youtubed it.

It was awesome.

Youtubed.

Yikes. I just invented a porn site.



LEMME JUST SAY HOW PLEASED I AM WITH THE NEW NO NECKLACE TREND.


What I swear to do if I ever go to the Oscars.
No Jewelry.
And when I go up on stage
No shoes.



Well maybe some studs.



NO, NO JEWELRY.


Can I just point out how the onstage "No you read it" bit is so over done....


Really. From the time you got assigned a fellow presenter and the time you stood on the wings, no one thought to determine WHO would read the envelope.....



There are tons of awkward moments at the Oscars. Line jumbles by people who are used to having multiple takes to get something right, music starting in the middle of someones speech, the one girl who always trys too hard to give a congratulatory kiss to the winner as he hurriedly makes his way on stage, but I am gonna have to say the most awkward moment of the Oscars is the hesitant non verbal communication that leads to 4 people screaming a name into a microphone.




Next year I will play a drinking game for the Oscars. You will drink for

• every Meryl Streep reference
• every "play off the stage"
• every envelope announcing hesitation
• every line jumble
• every time a nomminee side eyes

and if someone trips on the stairs, everyone has to take a shot. 

Wait, are drinking games already shots....?

Words can never make up for what you do

If someone you love...or who loves you yells at you to stop doing something, like say, eating their food every time they prepare it, just say "You will miss it when im dead." It works really well. Well, in my family at least.



Im currently waiting for Sean to get off work so we can go to dinner.
Im a little dressed up.
But not cuz its V day.
Just cuz i got a new dress.
I hate that dresses are considered fancy. Like, Im OVERDRESSED.
No...I would wear a dress to walmart...

I dont think boys understand dresses are actually much more comfy and easy then clothes.
A dress is the equvilent of a t-shirt.

you wake up,throw 1 thing on and head out the door.
Super comfy, super cute.

And luckily, I have tiny boobs, so I dont have to wear a bra.
Im a little scared of how well this white cotton dress will stand up to the night (Im a leaner, if ya know what I mean. Lots of nip slip potential.)

Honestly. Boobs are like this big myth to me.
Ive been told they exist...but....I dont believe it.
I think people think Im a lesbian because how obsessed with breasts I am .
Like my 16 year old little sister thing, She will be talking to me, and Im just staring at her very respectable sized boobs.
Its not that Im a perv. Im just tryign to figure out how they work!
Today I watched my friend shower, and I was just imaging what it would be like to have something hanging off your body.

Totally perplexed.


Like... how do they....


AND WHY DONT  I HAVE THEM.

Im not complaining.
Im just...confused.


I am worried Im gonna be too full to eat with Sean. Im just so hungry all the time.
Now that Im pregnant.
Right?
When did that happen.
News to me.
Im glad someone let me in the loop tho.

But seriously.
I started small. Like.....I justified eating a cashew...then some almonds...then.....some crackers....then some cookies....then I was like ENOUGH.


Im gonna ruin my appetite.

I LOOK TOO CUTE TO NOT HAVE A BURGER IN MY HAND.

Well, technically, it will be a teriaky chicken lettuce wrap....
but, tomato potatoes


I have never gone out on Valentines day.
I had a boyfriend last year...I think we stayed in (thats what I wanted)

But this year...I really wanna go out.
I think its all the indie movies Ive been watching.
Thats gotta be it.


I have red lip stick on. Im trying to make that my new staple. Like, shed the "bun girl" image.
Gotta be careful when you wear red lipstick cuz then people think your pregnant


I even  blow dried my hair.
I MUST REALLY LOVE THIS GUY.


I mean I do, but that has nothing to do with it.

I just go out in public about once a week. and its killing me.


8:40 and no Sean yet....

My life is just like an indie movie....