The masturbation shirt.

I'm a big fan of scholarships.
Every semester I apply for an Honors scholarship in which you create a contract with any chosen teacher to do some kind of extra project.

Of course, I chose human sexuality.
I approached my professor about the project.

Now normally, most professors have a cookie cutter honors assignment: do an extra paper.

Of course, the gem that is Mona Scott replied "What do you want to do?"


I spent a couple days thinking of Ideas.

I got the idea to make a shirt that read "NOT A VIRGIN"
I wanted to do something that would force people to confront a human who symbolized something society refuses to accept: premarital sex.
I wanted to punch society in the face and remind everyone that this ideal we hold people to rarely exists.

I really liked this idea. It showed I had no shame about the fact I had premarital sex. It showed I don't succumb the shame society hypocritically emits.


Mona respectfully listed to my idea and then politely responded "Its not shocking enough. You're saying something everyone knows, and just chooses to ignore. What is something that would make people STOP and talk to you?"


I thought of what was more shameful than premarital sex for a female.

I instantly thought of Porn.

People are constantly asking me my opinion of porn as someone who has literally studied it.
I have had a few requests to write blogs about what I think of porn, and I responded that I didn't feel comfortable doing so.

Why don't I feel comfortable talking about porn?
I claim to be completely comfortable in my sexuality.
So why was I so afraid to make a shirt that proclaimed I watch Porn.


Because porn and masturbation go hand and hand.

Because it wouldn't take long for people to infer that since I watch porn, I masturbate.

Which side note: I totally do both....

I realized that is what no one talks about.
That is what society ignores in women.

Woman can Vote.
Woman can have Careers.
Woman can have Nannies.

But woman STILL can not masturbate.

Disagree as much as you'd like to.(Actually, try not to, because I will get seriously crazy on you)
But the years of feeling like a monster prove my point.

Growing up Mormon, I was taught , like most people are, that masturbating was bad.


I did not then and do not now understand why.

I've always been pretty hard to shame, so it didn't take me very long to inform close girlfriends that I masturbated.
And you want to know what?
Every single girl I told, in turn told me that she did too.
Girls would honestly say "I thought I was some kind of monster! I thought I was the only one, that something was wrong with me!"

Growing up we are all, boys and girls, told not to masturbate (seriously, can someone tell me why?).
We are all told its bad.
But girls especially know not to do it.
Only boys do that.
And if you WANT to be doing that- Something is wrong with you.
Stay lady like, cross your legs, and get ready for a life of having a sudden headache anytime your husband is in bed next to you.

Even at 17 I was furious that the girls around me were made to feel ashamed of this.

I really cant explain how bad this socialization makes girls feel about themselves.
I can honestly say it was the most deprecating feeling in the world.
You feel trapped.
You feel disgusting to others.
You feel like something is wrong with you, like you were wired wrong.

You honestly feel like something that limps out of dark corners to search for food in a trash can and then scurries away when it hears a noise.

And its not because masturbation is bad.
Its because ever single person and word you are faced with makes you think so.
And for what reason?
Please tell me what is worth making a person feel that bad about.

Also, I just really hate that men get all the blame put on them. Its pretty unfair.


I chose to make a shirt that read "I MASTURBATE"
Because it terrified me.
I chose to wear that shirt because it was the scariest thing I could imagine doing. And that is exactly why I had to do it.

People see it and think I'm some rebellious hooligan with a paintbrush and access to cheap white shirts.
When in reality I was enacting a practice called ethnomethodology.
The process of social disruption - breaking a social norm


The social norm being broken was not acknowledging that humans masturbate, it was that this really pretty, funny, lovable girl - masturbates. A lot.

People might think I just chose to wear this shirt to get attention.

What people don't know is that I read 10 peer-reviewed articles on ethnomethodology, gender expectations of sexuality, and socialization of masturbation and then did an annotated bibliography.

I didn't just make some shirt.
I dove into why this gender norm exists, the harm it creates, and the benefits society could reap if it was broken.

I saw articles that statistically proved that masturbation can lead to increased body confidence (if you can ever get past feeling guilty for it) , it can decrease STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and adultery.
I read articles reinforcing that masturbation is a male tendency, so women were simply exempt from consideration within the article

So I made the shirt.





And in the end, the reason I wore this shirt was for all of the girls who feel like monsters to see they don't have to.




I wore the shirt to prove I am not ashamed of the fact I masturbate.






So this morning I walked onto campus at 8:25 a.m.  literally shaking with fear.

Fear of what people would think.
Fear of what people would say.
Fear.


I sat at a table doing homework in an area with little foot traffic.


At 8:40 I felt someone hovering behind me.

15 minutes. It took 15 minutes.

I breathed deep as I recognized my first confrontation was about to take place.

I turned, brightly smiling "Hello!"

"Hello..." responded the 50ish year old woman clearly uncomfortable.

"So may I ask you about your shirt?"

"Please do"

"Why are you wearing it?"

"Its a process called ethnomethodology. Its essentially social disruption."

"I see. Well, multiple students have come to me complaining about your shirt."

"Oh really? What have they said about it"

"Well, they are very offended. They don't know if its some kind of prank, or if you have something to prove, they don't know why a WOMAN would be wearing this shirt"


Thank God for that comment, or I may have taken the shirt off out of terror.
A small smirk crept across my face  as I was reminded of every reason I was doing this.


"That's actually the reason I'm wearing  the shirt, to hear what people think of it. What do you suggest I do?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you suggest I take it off, do you suggest I continue wearing it? What do you suggest?"


"Well, you should take into consideration that it is offending people."

"I'll be sure to do that."


Now she was awkwardly lingering.
Following her socialization to dislike anything that was not defined. My refusal to vocalize whether the shirt would remain on  or not fell within her disdain for the undefined.

"Its interesting..." she said halfheartedly.

"Have a great day" I cooed as I turned back to my school work.

I whispered "I'm not even gonna make it the whole day before someone forces me to take off this shirt"

I was mortified. I had no idea how I was gonna wear this shirt all day long. I was physically nauseous. I avoided all eye contact as I walked to my next class. After that class I ran on shaky knees to Mona's room to get advice.

As I walked into her room, a boy looked me up and down and said smiling "Nice shirt."
I was too flustered to acknowledge it. I figured I'd met the one person in the world who was on my side.

While I was telling Mona about the disapproving woman, who apparently has an office just for student complaints, one of Mona's students (a girl) shouted "I love your shirt!"
I was shocked.
I spun around....
"Right?" I said

She got out her phone and asked if she could take a picture.

Heck yes you may.

Just then, multiple other students wanted pictures. Everyone was asking me where I got the shirt and why I was wearing it.
There was plenty of chatter, but it was nothing but resounding support and admiration for the courage it was taking to wear it.

I walked out of that room feeling like a million bucks.

It took me 5 times as long to walk to my next class due to everyone stopping me.

I walked through the busiest part of campus on purpose.

Girls were all asking for pictures of the shirt or pictures with me, and if they could add me on some social network.

And from then on, that's how it went.

I got lots of high fives and thumbs ups.


As usual, girls were so happy someone else admitted to masturbating and recognized this weird myth that girls don't have the sexual desire nor the finesse to satisfy themselves.


I didn't notice, but friends who walked with me were astounded at the looks I was getting. They ranged from shocked frozen faces, to THE MOST OBVIOUS AND UNCOMFORTABLE EYE DIVERSIONS EVER.

Some cute guy stopped me with "Can I ask you a question about your shirt"

"You sure can!" I shouted enthusiastically. (I basically owned the place by this point.)

"What does it mean?"

"Oh no, you don't know what masturbation means?!" I said, imitating concern.

I continued "I can explain it to you, I'd be more than happy to."

He laughed like cute boys do and then said "NO, I guess my question is do you really do it?"

"HECK YEAH I DO"

He paused.
Then high fived me.

Unrelated: I WAS FREEZING IN THIS SHIRT. IT WAS ABOUT 50 DEGREES AND I WAS IN A SPORTS BRA AND A COTTON SHORT SLEEVE SHIRT!



So that was the point of the shirt Allyson Van Patten.

There were many.
Like a $350 scholarship, or the complete obliteration of social norms.
But I guess what it boiled down to was proving I'm not ashamed, and to give others a chance to realize they don't have to be either.



Furthermore, the reason I even bother posting it on Facebook was to compare what people had the nerve to say to me in real life as opposed to behind the safety of a computer screen.

Surprisingly, the results have been no different. Good job facebook friends!


This project was hands down the coolest thing I've ever done. I was wildly passionate about the research and would come flying out of the library with crazy insight as to why we are all led to stereotype that men were the only ones doing it and why we as a society are going to continue to do so.


Continue to do so, that is, if no one tries to change things.

Its hard out here for a Bitch

Lately, I've been oddly sensitive to peoples opinion of me.

I think everyone has tendencies to care of others opinions. However, recently its been to a degree that is very unlike me.

There are a lot of reasons for this that I recognize and dislike, but what can ya do.

Last night I was at a party of a super close friend.

She was putting all this effort into the party when she got a text saying that a boy was coming whom she really didn't want there.

So much so she had to leave the room.

She came back in and explained the situation.

We all squawked to just text the friend and tell him not to come.

She explained she didn't want to start drama or appear mean or as some irrational,overreacting female.

I saw something I see in girls (including myself) all the time.

A girl who was going to accept being uncomfortable in her own environment just so someone else wouldn't have to. 

I see it all the time, girls who have been socialized its our responsibility to "take care" or those around us, specifically boys. Don't hurt their feelings, at all costs.

Girls who have been socialized that speaking your mind is nagging or being irrational.

Girls who feel that standing up for themselves is mean, rude  or disrespectful

So my friend did it. 

She text him and told him he wasn't welcome.

I was very impressed with how tactfully she handled the situation

But more so, I was impressed with why she handled the situation.

When talking to me about it she said "I'm not just going to act like nothing ever happened." 

I act like I know how these things work.

Socialization, or relationships in general.

But truth is I dont follow a lot of my own rules.

For some reason, at that moment it all just clicked.

I am no longer going to let others opinions of me cause me to second guess my own opinions. 

I am no longer going to feel I need to act like certain things "never happened" 

I'm going to stand by what I believe and not allow others to make me feel like I need to conform to their ideas. Of religion. Of gender roles. Of manners.

Yes, I say things in the moment that I later regret. A lot. 

Yes I say hypocritical things, a lot.

Yes I say mean, negative, and shocking things, a lot.

 Im still learning who I am and how to interact with these very new, very important and personal opinions Ive formed.

I know Im constantly  contradicting myself.

I think I notice that more than anyone.

And its no ones place to tell me that isn't allowed.

But I will take being  the trigger-happy-opinionated-woman over being the woman-who-just-goes-with-the-flow-brainlessly, every time. 

Every time.

Even when it causes people close to me to get defensive.

Even when it causes me to feel like no one agrees with my point of view.

I feel like people think if they trap me, they can stop me.

"Look Britanee! I just caught you saying something sexist. So you cant be a woman who recognizes gender inequality anymore. Hah!"

You know how many blog posts I start, and then never post because of what I think people will think of them?

Despite popular belief, I don't want to start arguments, or offend people. 

So I keep my opinions quiet in consideration of those who would never return the respect. 

Last night I realized I really like who I am.

I like this new me who cant stand organized religion and the justification it brings to really unchrist like treatment of others. Who cant stay quiet about white privilege. Who has something to say about the perpetuation of stereotypes of the oppressed in every day interactions. Who says things that cause her to be so embarrassed she lays in bed at night thinking about them. Who is still learning the line between assertiveness and bitchiness.Who is so content in her convictions. Who makes others uncomfortable due to her bluntness.

I love every sloppy thing about me. 

Because it is so much better then the neat and tidiness that comes with ignorant apathy.

Old but Im not that old.

Here is my favorite answer from my violence towards woman survey when asked "What is the difference between harassment and violence?"



"Honestly, I find harassment against women to be a double standard. Women are able to do any of the things you listed in question 4 and nobody would give a shit. You should instead acknowledge the violence men receive from women. If you believe that women are being harassed and men aren't that's complete bullshit. Either both genders are equally harassed in different ways, or men and women need to grow the fuck up, be independent and solve these issues themselves. All of the possible cases of "harassment" listed in question 4 can be solved by simply not giving a shit or taking a stand for themselves."


Guess the gender.


Guess the age.



Here is a link to the survey in case you haven't taken it and would like to know what is being said when the person references question 4.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BDWXCF6

This 12 year old boy has clearly solved the worlds problems.


While his age quickly deteriorates the weight of his words, there is something to be said for the social construction we are creating. 
Who or what taught a twelve year old to think this way?

You can blame the one before

Now that I know about really big problems in the world, like Nike sweat shops in Indonesia or current Government perpetuated oppression of minorities in America, it feels really pointless to write about such meaningless things.

In this case, my love life.


I don't think I have posted anything about my love life in.... over 5 months. Aside from the occasional comedic story about some goodwill encounter.

I have  lot of reasons for this.
 But the biggest reason being...its non existent at the moment.
It didn't take me long to be reminded of my reputation of being a heartless man eater once I got out of my last relationship.
A reputation I used to kind of like, sort of as pay back to all the men who are womanizers.
But then I realized I would just chomping up really nice guys. And that isnt payback to anybody.
I also came to the sad conclusion I cant just do whatever I want.
Id "be myself" with guy friends and then play the "Im just a flirt" card.
Which I am. A huge flirt. It comes really natural. And I can seriously turn it on when I want to.
But then I realized I can also turn it off.

And I like it. I like when its turned off.


Today I overheard a woman on her phone at Goodwill.

"No, I cant just hang out with him and see where It goes. Im picky. It aint gonna go nowhere, and I cant have him freaking out when he realizes it."


COME TO ME SPIRIT ANIMAL.

Preemptive measures. Why hadn't I thought of that before.

I should have asked her every question I have about life.

Everything she said sparked a million thoughts in my head, but the one I keep replaying is the word "picky"

I just keep thinking "Im picky."

And thats why I dont flirt like a crazy person anymore.
Because Im picky.
Because I don't just date to "see where it goes" anymore. Cuz Ive seen where it goes.
Because I love not having to ask anyone's permission for anything.
Because I know Im not going to live in AZ for much longer.
Because I love proving to myself I can fall asleep without someone next to me.


People always make small talk starting with "So how about you and those boys Britanee"

"No boys." I answer smiling.
Its like my future has no face. And its so exciting.


Also, with everything Im learning in school, I cant even fathom being in a relationship.
Im on the outside looking in when it comes to dating and relationships.

They dont even make sense to me at this point.
Im not convinced that the kind of boy it will take to date me doesn't exist in Arizona. But Im pretty close to convinced.


Its this totally new feeling to be completely cut from the weight of relationships.
People always asking about them
Always thinking about them
wondering who will be next
worrying about who wont
writing blogs about them

After the break up with Sean. It was unavoidable.
All of my best friends were in relationships. Everyone was asking me about them. Everywhere I looked I was reminded I wasn't in one, and the clock was now ticking.

Im at this really enjoyable point where there is no clock.


Its like I can actually be productive in other aspects of my life.







I probably just jinxed everything and Im going to be in a relationship by tomorrow.

I've never felt more alone, feels so scary getting old.

Just dont have it in me today. 

So much Lorde. 

Always rainin men, girl, whatchu worried bout?

Edit : This blog gets crazy. Stick with it. It gets less crazy. (maybe) 

I have so much to sayyyy

Today is the first time since last Monday that I have had time to blog 

(wow Britanee we are all shocked that you are finally starting to be integrated into real life)

I cut myself off from facebook. Because I am an addict. And I need to actually start working on school stuff instead of scrolling down a repetitive news feed waiting for people to IM me.

Taylor has my password, and whenever I really want on, I ask him to log me in.

I had a lot of really important things to say, about drug wars, and my current mental state as it relates to my career aspirations.

But today what has got me really worked up, is unrequited love.

It seems to be the season for unrequited love.

Every where I look there is someone who has really strong feelings for someone who has little to none in return. 

Now that I have been on both sides of this, I consider myself some what of an expert. 

(Thank You) *bows*

I just recently faced a situation (again) that really gets my blood boiling.

Let me preface this with saying- I know I am flirtatious. I know the vibes I give out. I can see where the miscommunication may stem from.

But what I can NOT stand is when I tell a boy "I don't want a relationship with you"

And then learn he thinks waiting around is the trick.

If he just waits I will "come to my senses" and FINALLY start to realize my feelings for him.

And you know what? It makes me furious.

I take responsibility for leading him on. For the mixed signals.

But there are times I can NOT be any clearer on my intentions.

And then to hear they are being disregarded.

This is what I hear:

"She is just an indecisive, emotional girl. She doesn't know what she wants. I will show her what she wants. Her current opinion is the wrong one. Ill just wait here till she develops the right one. She cant do or say what she wants. She Isnt allowed."

Don't get me wrong, I recognize the holes in this thinking.I cant see its irrationality. 

BUT SERIOUSLY. 

When I tell you "This is permanent. I do not want to be in a relationship with you"

THAT ISN'T PLAYING HARD TO GET. 

So why do I bring this up.

I was listening to a close friend talk about a similar situation. He says "I think its time for 'the talk'"

PAUSE.

I don't think I have clapped so hard in my life.

"BOY, WHAT TALK? SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU. SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING WITH YOU! NOTHING HAS CHANGED. SO QUIT ASKING HER IF IT HAS. OHHH LORD. "

at this point I am full on walking in circles as my eyes roll so hard  its effecting the momentum of my head. 

"A GIRL SAYS WHAT SHE WANTS AND NOBODY LISTENS. ALL YOU JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT. FOR WHAT. AIN'T NOTHING CHANGING."

Boys tell me "Girls cant be nice to boys. They read into it."

Well girls are just screwed then.

Its a girls fault she smiled at you. 

Its a girls fault she treated you cordially.

Its a girls fault she invites you to spend time with her.

Girls. Stop smiling. Stop being polite. And stop having a social life that involves anything other than girls.

Maybe you should just stay quiet and paint your nails. 

Don't wanna give boys any ideas.

Its like girls arent allowed to have free agency. 

I know it isn't black and white. There are girls who SERIOUSLY lead guys on and then cut them off. Or really play with boys emotions. 

Like, say, cuddle with them.

I also know it isn't always girls doing the leading on.

Britanee, what are you even trying to get at.

If the person you have feelings for has told you they don't feel the same way, or they don't want to pursue any feelings. Hear them. As much as you disagree with them, or as much as you think if they just gave you a chance you could be great together.

I know it sucks.

Im sick of girls getting blamed for being  "players" because some boy chose not to hear them when they said "I have no intention of dating you"

Im also sick of good boys getting played because some girl couldnt answer a question straight out for fear of hurting some guy.

I also recognize mixed signals are a real thing. 

If someone is doing something that confuses you. Clarify. With that person. Not your group of friends who don't know the situation either.

I cant stand when girls sit around asking "What does this text mean? Do you think he likes me?"

GO ASK HIM.

And if you don't have a line of communication that allows for that, then maybe you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with him or her.

Trust me, I need to take my own advice. 

Everyone is playing this game because they are so worried about losing something they never even had. 

And at the end of the day, who wants to convince someone else to be with them? 

We might be hollow but we're brave

I havent blogged in a long time.


In all honesty its because I feel like it just gives people more to make fun of me about.

I dont often get discouraged in my career aspirations.
I go and learn about outrageously large and seemingly unmovable obstacles in society.
Such as  pornography creating an unrealistic ideal of sex and woman,objectification of woman leading to violence,white privilege causing a lack of empathy,media illiteracy in both boys and girls causing low self worth. I comprehend how these all create a vicious cycle of a really messed up society.
And every day I drive down the 60 east so excited about my future.
I very rarely drive home feeling like the obstacles are just too big to ever make any kind of progress.

Most people respond to my newly voiced opinions on these issues by disregarding them. They chatter off about how they personally are not effected by those factors, so they dont really matter. How I shouldnt get so passionate, because those arent even real problems. Their mom had a full time job and their dad helped with the dishes and they had to do their own laundry and a black man is president and Mexicans are poor because they never cared to get an education and white people have problems too. So just stop talking, Britanee.

And that is what discourages me.
When people try to convince me I shouldnt want these things.That they are trivial and Im simply an angsty adolescent.

Because that is so much easier to do. If we dont have a problem, we dont have to work towards a solution.


All I hear when people try to silence me is "Stay in your place,girl, quit tryin to rock the boat"




I dont want women to have "second shift"
I dont want a woman who makes less money then her male counterpart to come home from working the same 8 hour shift her husband did to be expected to cook, clean, and chase children while her husband watches the game.

I want my mother to stop calling me and asking me to start dinner and clean the bathroom and put her clothes in the washer while Taylor sits watching the food network.

I want to unlearn the idea that how I prove my love for a man is by offering him seconds before clearing his dishes at the table.

I dont want to stop doing nice things for people I love.
I dont want to stop pulling my weight, or contributing my fair share.
Thats what I want, a fair share.



As soon as I decided I wanted to go into sex education/gender equality/media literacy I knew I would face a lot of trash.
I knew people would assume I was some radical, man hating feminist who has sex with anyone and everyone and should be kept away from your children.
I was prepared for that.


But what I wasn't prepared for was being told how stupid and ludicrous I am for standing up for something I am passionate about.

There was about a 2 week period where it made me second guess myself. Moments where I realized this is what I will face for the rest of my life, and brief moments where I concluded it wasn't worth it.
Wasn't worth people I'd never met disrespecting me behind a computer screen,or even worse people I had met. Wasn't worth people making preposterous assumptions about my beliefs. My beliefs that couldn't possibly have stemed from good-intentions, but from ignorance. Wasn't worth people putting words in my mouth. Wasn't worth the infinite off handed jokes who's subtle truth stung long after the laughter subsided.



But at the end of the day,everyone knows the quickest way to silence a woman is to call her an uneducated whore.

After I changed my perception, its funny that every person who tries to tell me how pointless my opinions are, only reaffirms them.




So today, I decided to blog.