I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most

U of A should feel a lot of pressure with everything I gave up to be here.

I did not have low expectations.

So far, Ive had a professor say racism is biological.
I've heard a white women say shes "tired of being politically correct" in a 400 level class.
I've been addressed by countless professors as "you guys"
I've had a professor stare down my shirt.
I've had a professor make a joke about women being unimaginable without bodies.


If it wasn't for one class, Id have nothing but an eye roll for U of A.

My feminist theories class blows my mind about 7 times a week.
I hurry home to do that homework.
Its truly my favorite.


It is the only class that makes me think "This is why I'm here"

Everyday things get a tiny bit better.

My sociology classes are pretty disappointing (especially for being the "best program in Arizona")

But my Gender and Women Studies classes are giving me life.

So.

I mean.

I might switch majors, whatever.

Now what what does that say about me

I've been joking "I have nothing to eat but get to eat oreos for dinner" describes the current phase of adulthood I'm in. 

But the reality of the current phase could better be compared to" tripping so violently your arms flail and a small, awkward squeak like scream slips from your lips as you fall forward flat on your face into a gutter of dirty water in front of the entirety of the passing student body."

I have been preparing for this move since October of 2014. 

I have spend countless hours lost in thought of what it would be like. 

Many nights had tear filled moments with my best friends in anticipation of our upcoming separation.

But I wasn't prepared.

I am extremely emotionally stoic. Before August 12th there were about 4 people who had ever seen me cry.

The morning of August 12th I lost count. 

I truly blubbered like a weaning toddler. 

I have been through many hard days, but that day hurt incomparably to the others.

My best friend sent my tear streaked, red face off with "Look in your rear view mirror as you drive away" as her parting words of wisdom.

I lifted my sore eyes to see my 3 roommates and best friends in the middle of the street, mooning me as the house mother eagerly, and fully clothed, waved goodbye.  

A perfect representation of the houses dynamic.

I know many people who did not find it hard to leave home and go off to university. 

For me it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

Those closest to me lent many an ear, listening to my overwhelming concerns, and sat patiently every time a came to them with the usual "I'm not going, I'm staying here."

My parents moved my large furniture in my brothers truck for the 118 mile journey, which is a long time to think, cry, and listen to Kanye West.

I think I said "thank you" more in that day than I have in the last year. 

I was overwhelmed with gratitude as so many people surrounding me helped in possibly small ways to them, but genuinely colossal ways to me.

Having my parents there was both extremely helpful and comforting.

Im pretty independent of my parents, but I feel like inner children come out when students move away from home. Suddenly it's not embarrassing to be seen with your parents, and you dread the moment they are going to say goodbye and you'll be left in this foreign room utterly alone with nothing but packed boxes to accompany you.

My first day on campus was lonely.

About every 25 minutes someone would shriek there friends name and run towards them, embracing them in the middle of the student union, while I awkwardly shifted my weight from foot to foot to avoid colliding into the reunion

That was actually one of the worst parts, knowing I wouldn't have that. At all.

That night I forced myself to go to a meet and greet. It was the epitome of a university event. Banks trying to get you to sign up with them, blow up obstacle courses, free food trucks *with food ticket , eager faces appearing from the masses asking if you want to join their club, and a giant marching band that is finally appreciated.

I met new friends, but I wished my friends back home were with me. Dancing to the music, challenging each other to the obstacle courses, swapping clothes with each other as a disguise to get another free ice cream cone.

My first day of Classes had one of the moments affirming why I left all of my closest friends, my job and my home.

I haven't really had time for it to settle in (between paying another neccisary school expense or swapping classes because my race teacher was a stupid idiot who I refused to replace Mona Scott with) but sometimes when the campus is especially busy, or more so when its deserted late in the day and the sun is setting against the deep-red brick buildings I do have a moment of realization that I actually did it. 

I one day decided this is where I wanted to be and I worked up the very large hill to get there.

Also, most people don't know this because of how I am now, but growing up I never imagined going to university. I planned only on an associates.

I grew up in a rather affluent area where most kids grow up knowing they will go to university, like their parents did, they think its just what you do. But I know its not like that everywhere. People work hard to get to university, its an accomplishment many people dont yet have the privladge to even attempt.

So today as I walked up the quiet steps and looked across the grass mall stretching to the end of campus I did have a moment of a mixture of disbeleif, excitment, pride and appreciation for where Im at.

Old as I get I could never forget it at all

Its been about 6 years since I've been to Canada. 

I finally renewed my passport, hopped on a plane then into car with my parents with the intent to center myself before my life gets flipped upside down next month.

Below is a visual compilation of everything that reminds me of my roots.

Day one was 14 hours in a car.

"He thought he was going to prevent his own death by working. He sure gave it a good try."

The house my grandfather built, and my mother grew up in.

My mother grew up mowing the grounds she would one day bury her daughter in

"Make a list of everything you want in a spouse. And be that list."

The field my grandfather would take me on walks to, and the consequential hills I rolled down with my siblings.

Hudson Reunion

The same tire swing my sister would push me on.

Suddenly Im hit

"5 months." I  reply without thinking. 

Just the other day it was 8.

"No, its like 3." she responds.

"Its always 5."

Its becoming increasingly difficult to be two places at once. 

Math 150, and a handful of people keep my mind from drifting 200 miles south.

That and the fact my mind has no where to live once it gets there. 

Mouths move to form words quicker than I can catch up with as I resurface from my racing, panicked thoughts.

Orange and blue fade quicker and quicker to gold, organization consuming my executions. Foreign to me.

Foreign to everyone.

Familiar faces look at me unfamiliarly. Something I notice hours later when I've gotten around to remembering. 

The list of people I'm neglecting longer than the list of my accomplishments

longer than my obligations, responsibilities or tasks.

Maybe its because I'm crossing those off one by one or maybe its because I don't care about them in comparison to faces I haven't seen in literal years. Faces that share my features. Faces I would recognize anywhere, even tho they've changed. Even tho their curly hair now grows straight and they correctly pronounce words, even the hard ones.  

I tell myself two years will go by fast.

 and the two years after that.

And then...a job with no promise of being near familiar faces.

"5 months" I reply. "I leave in 5 months" 

I just need to clear my mind now, its been racin' since the summer time

There is this theory that has surfaced, paraphrased below

"Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest."

As most things in our society, its much more complex than that.

Even still, a mixture of education and experiences have lead me to never using "I have a boyfriend" as an out when being hit on.


Because my boyfriend is in fact not the reason I wont take down your number.


Its because you told me you were too heterosexual to wear Nike high tops, and then waited for me to laugh.

Its because when describing your outfit, you used the word "wife beater".

When you told me to hit you up because you were only in town for two days, it wasn't my boyfriend holding me back.

My boyfriend had nothing to do with you forgetting my name.

And when you offered to take me to End Game and buy my drinks, it wasn't my boyfriend stopping me.
And my boyfriend didn't come to mind when I answered "Hard pass" dryly to your next suggestion of buying me lunch.

See because its not that I don't like Barcades, or drinks, or food even.
 I love food. Deeply.


Its because I have no interest in getting to know you.
And you are in no way entitled to chances as I am in no way obligated to give them.

Then leave without warning, so take me home

Something about this semester is very different.
As I walk the torn sidewalks, the school has changed almost as much as I have.
At eleven, two and in between I see reflections of myself four years ago.
Lost eyes pulled together in apprehensive discomfort, gleaning with confusion.
Eyes that don't know where to begin.
I walk slow, appreciating my remaining time while simultaneously comforting the pairs of eyes one by one.
Eyes that meet mine frustrated, scared and overwhelmed, and depart relieved, hopeful.


I don't have to look back four years to remember my own eyes mirroring theirs.
They are the same eyes that looked up at red brick buildings built in 1885.
They show the same confusion and fear, masked by excitement.
The same eyes that lead shaky hands to open the acceptance letter.
The same eyes that absorb every second of the people I love.
The places I love.


At the end of the day, I walk the path to my car slowly.
Telling myself someday those red brick buildings will be just as familiar.
Telling myself, there I will meet someone with the same helpful, friendly eyes.

Why you gotta be so rude?

Thoughts I just have to vocalize for now.


At this point in my life, I would be truly offended if someone asked my father if they could marry me. Truly.


The other day I was in math and I was like "I should go on a diet soon..."then I was like "Wait no I have actually important shit to do"
I had the same thought while looking at hair tutorials. hashtag objective hair out of my face hashtag top knot


It kills me when I post a status about female empowerment, gender roles, or domestic abuse and only females like it.



I love when people say "mankind"or "thats so gay"and then look at me and mockingly apologize to me and correct themselves, as if making a joke of my beliefs.
Keep teasing me about how inclusively and consciously I speak by speaking inclusively and consciously- I want you to.


The other day I realized "man" is  the base of "human".
Eff it.*rolls eyes and tosses hands up gingerly.*


Ive stopped giving power to the fact I will be viewed, perceived and treated differently because Im a woman and just started doing, saying, and reacting however I want to. Hashtag im too agressive Hashtag im too cocky hashtag im unapologetic.




Thats it.