The masturbation shirt.

I'm a big fan of scholarships.
Every semester I apply for an Honors scholarship in which you create a contract with any chosen teacher to do some kind of extra project.

Of course, I chose human sexuality.
I approached my professor about the project.

Now normally, most professors have a cookie cutter honors assignment: do an extra paper.

Of course, the gem that is Mona Scott replied "What do you want to do?"


I spent a couple days thinking of Ideas.

I got the idea to make a shirt that read "NOT A VIRGIN"
I wanted to do something that would force people to confront a human who symbolized something society refuses to accept: premarital sex.
I wanted to punch society in the face and remind everyone that this ideal we hold people to rarely exists.

I really liked this idea. It showed I had no shame about the fact I had premarital sex. It showed I don't succumb the shame society hypocritically emits.


Mona respectfully listed to my idea and then politely responded "Its not shocking enough. You're saying something everyone knows, and just chooses to ignore. What is something that would make people STOP and talk to you?"


I thought of what was more shameful than premarital sex for a female.

I instantly thought of Porn.

People are constantly asking me my opinion of porn as someone who has literally studied it.
I have had a few requests to write blogs about what I think of porn, and I responded that I didn't feel comfortable doing so.

Why don't I feel comfortable talking about porn?
I claim to be completely comfortable in my sexuality.
So why was I so afraid to make a shirt that proclaimed I watch Porn.


Because porn and masturbation go hand and hand.

Because it wouldn't take long for people to infer that since I watch porn, I masturbate.

Which side note: I totally do both....

I realized that is what no one talks about.
That is what society ignores in women.

Woman can Vote.
Woman can have Careers.
Woman can have Nannies.

But woman STILL can not masturbate.

Disagree as much as you'd like to.(Actually, try not to, because I will get seriously crazy on you)
But the years of feeling like a monster prove my point.

Growing up Mormon, I was taught , like most people are, that masturbating was bad.


I did not then and do not now understand why.

I've always been pretty hard to shame, so it didn't take me very long to inform close girlfriends that I masturbated.
And you want to know what?
Every single girl I told, in turn told me that she did too.
Girls would honestly say "I thought I was some kind of monster! I thought I was the only one, that something was wrong with me!"

Growing up we are all, boys and girls, told not to masturbate (seriously, can someone tell me why?).
We are all told its bad.
But girls especially know not to do it.
Only boys do that.
And if you WANT to be doing that- Something is wrong with you.
Stay lady like, cross your legs, and get ready for a life of having a sudden headache anytime your husband is in bed next to you.

Even at 17 I was furious that the girls around me were made to feel ashamed of this.

I really cant explain how bad this socialization makes girls feel about themselves.
I can honestly say it was the most deprecating feeling in the world.
You feel trapped.
You feel disgusting to others.
You feel like something is wrong with you, like you were wired wrong.

You honestly feel like something that limps out of dark corners to search for food in a trash can and then scurries away when it hears a noise.

And its not because masturbation is bad.
Its because ever single person and word you are faced with makes you think so.
And for what reason?
Please tell me what is worth making a person feel that bad about.

Also, I just really hate that men get all the blame put on them. Its pretty unfair.


I chose to make a shirt that read "I MASTURBATE"
Because it terrified me.
I chose to wear that shirt because it was the scariest thing I could imagine doing. And that is exactly why I had to do it.

People see it and think I'm some rebellious hooligan with a paintbrush and access to cheap white shirts.
When in reality I was enacting a practice called ethnomethodology.
The process of social disruption - breaking a social norm


The social norm being broken was not acknowledging that humans masturbate, it was that this really pretty, funny, lovable girl - masturbates. A lot.

People might think I just chose to wear this shirt to get attention.

What people don't know is that I read 10 peer-reviewed articles on ethnomethodology, gender expectations of sexuality, and socialization of masturbation and then did an annotated bibliography.

I didn't just make some shirt.
I dove into why this gender norm exists, the harm it creates, and the benefits society could reap if it was broken.

I saw articles that statistically proved that masturbation can lead to increased body confidence (if you can ever get past feeling guilty for it) , it can decrease STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and adultery.
I read articles reinforcing that masturbation is a male tendency, so women were simply exempt from consideration within the article

So I made the shirt.





And in the end, the reason I wore this shirt was for all of the girls who feel like monsters to see they don't have to.




I wore the shirt to prove I am not ashamed of the fact I masturbate.






So this morning I walked onto campus at 8:25 a.m.  literally shaking with fear.

Fear of what people would think.
Fear of what people would say.
Fear.


I sat at a table doing homework in an area with little foot traffic.


At 8:40 I felt someone hovering behind me.

15 minutes. It took 15 minutes.

I breathed deep as I recognized my first confrontation was about to take place.

I turned, brightly smiling "Hello!"

"Hello..." responded the 50ish year old woman clearly uncomfortable.

"So may I ask you about your shirt?"

"Please do"

"Why are you wearing it?"

"Its a process called ethnomethodology. Its essentially social disruption."

"I see. Well, multiple students have come to me complaining about your shirt."

"Oh really? What have they said about it"

"Well, they are very offended. They don't know if its some kind of prank, or if you have something to prove, they don't know why a WOMAN would be wearing this shirt"


Thank God for that comment, or I may have taken the shirt off out of terror.
A small smirk crept across my face  as I was reminded of every reason I was doing this.


"That's actually the reason I'm wearing  the shirt, to hear what people think of it. What do you suggest I do?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you suggest I take it off, do you suggest I continue wearing it? What do you suggest?"


"Well, you should take into consideration that it is offending people."

"I'll be sure to do that."


Now she was awkwardly lingering.
Following her socialization to dislike anything that was not defined. My refusal to vocalize whether the shirt would remain on  or not fell within her disdain for the undefined.

"Its interesting..." she said halfheartedly.

"Have a great day" I cooed as I turned back to my school work.

I whispered "I'm not even gonna make it the whole day before someone forces me to take off this shirt"

I was mortified. I had no idea how I was gonna wear this shirt all day long. I was physically nauseous. I avoided all eye contact as I walked to my next class. After that class I ran on shaky knees to Mona's room to get advice.

As I walked into her room, a boy looked me up and down and said smiling "Nice shirt."
I was too flustered to acknowledge it. I figured I'd met the one person in the world who was on my side.

While I was telling Mona about the disapproving woman, who apparently has an office just for student complaints, one of Mona's students (a girl) shouted "I love your shirt!"
I was shocked.
I spun around....
"Right?" I said

She got out her phone and asked if she could take a picture.

Heck yes you may.

Just then, multiple other students wanted pictures. Everyone was asking me where I got the shirt and why I was wearing it.
There was plenty of chatter, but it was nothing but resounding support and admiration for the courage it was taking to wear it.

I walked out of that room feeling like a million bucks.

It took me 5 times as long to walk to my next class due to everyone stopping me.

I walked through the busiest part of campus on purpose.

Girls were all asking for pictures of the shirt or pictures with me, and if they could add me on some social network.

And from then on, that's how it went.

I got lots of high fives and thumbs ups.


As usual, girls were so happy someone else admitted to masturbating and recognized this weird myth that girls don't have the sexual desire nor the finesse to satisfy themselves.


I didn't notice, but friends who walked with me were astounded at the looks I was getting. They ranged from shocked frozen faces, to THE MOST OBVIOUS AND UNCOMFORTABLE EYE DIVERSIONS EVER.

Some cute guy stopped me with "Can I ask you a question about your shirt"

"You sure can!" I shouted enthusiastically. (I basically owned the place by this point.)

"What does it mean?"

"Oh no, you don't know what masturbation means?!" I said, imitating concern.

I continued "I can explain it to you, I'd be more than happy to."

He laughed like cute boys do and then said "NO, I guess my question is do you really do it?"

"HECK YEAH I DO"

He paused.
Then high fived me.

Unrelated: I WAS FREEZING IN THIS SHIRT. IT WAS ABOUT 50 DEGREES AND I WAS IN A SPORTS BRA AND A COTTON SHORT SLEEVE SHIRT!



So that was the point of the shirt Allyson Van Patten.

There were many.
Like a $350 scholarship, or the complete obliteration of social norms.
But I guess what it boiled down to was proving I'm not ashamed, and to give others a chance to realize they don't have to be either.



Furthermore, the reason I even bother posting it on Facebook was to compare what people had the nerve to say to me in real life as opposed to behind the safety of a computer screen.

Surprisingly, the results have been no different. Good job facebook friends!


This project was hands down the coolest thing I've ever done. I was wildly passionate about the research and would come flying out of the library with crazy insight as to why we are all led to stereotype that men were the only ones doing it and why we as a society are going to continue to do so.


Continue to do so, that is, if no one tries to change things.

Its hard out here for a Bitch

Lately, I've been oddly sensitive to peoples opinion of me.

I think everyone has tendencies to care of others opinions. However, recently its been to a degree that is very unlike me.

There are a lot of reasons for this that I recognize and dislike, but what can ya do.

Last night I was at a party of a super close friend.

She was putting all this effort into the party when she got a text saying that a boy was coming whom she really didn't want there.

So much so she had to leave the room.

She came back in and explained the situation.

We all squawked to just text the friend and tell him not to come.

She explained she didn't want to start drama or appear mean or as some irrational,overreacting female.

I saw something I see in girls (including myself) all the time.

A girl who was going to accept being uncomfortable in her own environment just so someone else wouldn't have to. 

I see it all the time, girls who have been socialized its our responsibility to "take care" or those around us, specifically boys. Don't hurt their feelings, at all costs.

Girls who have been socialized that speaking your mind is nagging or being irrational.

Girls who feel that standing up for themselves is mean, rude  or disrespectful

So my friend did it. 

She text him and told him he wasn't welcome.

I was very impressed with how tactfully she handled the situation

But more so, I was impressed with why she handled the situation.

When talking to me about it she said "I'm not just going to act like nothing ever happened." 

I act like I know how these things work.

Socialization, or relationships in general.

But truth is I dont follow a lot of my own rules.

For some reason, at that moment it all just clicked.

I am no longer going to let others opinions of me cause me to second guess my own opinions. 

I am no longer going to feel I need to act like certain things "never happened" 

I'm going to stand by what I believe and not allow others to make me feel like I need to conform to their ideas. Of religion. Of gender roles. Of manners.

Yes, I say things in the moment that I later regret. A lot. 

Yes I say hypocritical things, a lot.

Yes I say mean, negative, and shocking things, a lot.

 Im still learning who I am and how to interact with these very new, very important and personal opinions Ive formed.

I know Im constantly  contradicting myself.

I think I notice that more than anyone.

And its no ones place to tell me that isn't allowed.

But I will take being  the trigger-happy-opinionated-woman over being the woman-who-just-goes-with-the-flow-brainlessly, every time. 

Every time.

Even when it causes people close to me to get defensive.

Even when it causes me to feel like no one agrees with my point of view.

I feel like people think if they trap me, they can stop me.

"Look Britanee! I just caught you saying something sexist. So you cant be a woman who recognizes gender inequality anymore. Hah!"

You know how many blog posts I start, and then never post because of what I think people will think of them?

Despite popular belief, I don't want to start arguments, or offend people. 

So I keep my opinions quiet in consideration of those who would never return the respect. 

Last night I realized I really like who I am.

I like this new me who cant stand organized religion and the justification it brings to really unchrist like treatment of others. Who cant stay quiet about white privilege. Who has something to say about the perpetuation of stereotypes of the oppressed in every day interactions. Who says things that cause her to be so embarrassed she lays in bed at night thinking about them. Who is still learning the line between assertiveness and bitchiness.Who is so content in her convictions. Who makes others uncomfortable due to her bluntness.

I love every sloppy thing about me. 

Because it is so much better then the neat and tidiness that comes with ignorant apathy.