Its hard out here for a Bitch

Lately, I've been oddly sensitive to peoples opinion of me.

I think everyone has tendencies to care of others opinions. However, recently its been to a degree that is very unlike me.

There are a lot of reasons for this that I recognize and dislike, but what can ya do.

Last night I was at a party of a super close friend.

She was putting all this effort into the party when she got a text saying that a boy was coming whom she really didn't want there.

So much so she had to leave the room.

She came back in and explained the situation.

We all squawked to just text the friend and tell him not to come.

She explained she didn't want to start drama or appear mean or as some irrational,overreacting female.

I saw something I see in girls (including myself) all the time.

A girl who was going to accept being uncomfortable in her own environment just so someone else wouldn't have to. 

I see it all the time, girls who have been socialized its our responsibility to "take care" or those around us, specifically boys. Don't hurt their feelings, at all costs.

Girls who have been socialized that speaking your mind is nagging or being irrational.

Girls who feel that standing up for themselves is mean, rude  or disrespectful

So my friend did it. 

She text him and told him he wasn't welcome.

I was very impressed with how tactfully she handled the situation

But more so, I was impressed with why she handled the situation.

When talking to me about it she said "I'm not just going to act like nothing ever happened." 

I act like I know how these things work.

Socialization, or relationships in general.

But truth is I dont follow a lot of my own rules.

For some reason, at that moment it all just clicked.

I am no longer going to let others opinions of me cause me to second guess my own opinions. 

I am no longer going to feel I need to act like certain things "never happened" 

I'm going to stand by what I believe and not allow others to make me feel like I need to conform to their ideas. Of religion. Of gender roles. Of manners.

Yes, I say things in the moment that I later regret. A lot. 

Yes I say hypocritical things, a lot.

Yes I say mean, negative, and shocking things, a lot.

 Im still learning who I am and how to interact with these very new, very important and personal opinions Ive formed.

I know Im constantly  contradicting myself.

I think I notice that more than anyone.

And its no ones place to tell me that isn't allowed.

But I will take being  the trigger-happy-opinionated-woman over being the woman-who-just-goes-with-the-flow-brainlessly, every time. 

Every time.

Even when it causes people close to me to get defensive.

Even when it causes me to feel like no one agrees with my point of view.

I feel like people think if they trap me, they can stop me.

"Look Britanee! I just caught you saying something sexist. So you cant be a woman who recognizes gender inequality anymore. Hah!"

You know how many blog posts I start, and then never post because of what I think people will think of them?

Despite popular belief, I don't want to start arguments, or offend people. 

So I keep my opinions quiet in consideration of those who would never return the respect. 

Last night I realized I really like who I am.

I like this new me who cant stand organized religion and the justification it brings to really unchrist like treatment of others. Who cant stay quiet about white privilege. Who has something to say about the perpetuation of stereotypes of the oppressed in every day interactions. Who says things that cause her to be so embarrassed she lays in bed at night thinking about them. Who is still learning the line between assertiveness and bitchiness.Who is so content in her convictions. Who makes others uncomfortable due to her bluntness.

I love every sloppy thing about me. 

Because it is so much better then the neat and tidiness that comes with ignorant apathy.