I've been tryin to do it right

So lets talk about the Oscars.

I only watched the end.

Luckily tho I did catch Kristen Stewart looking like a total coke whore.
The words that came out of my mouth:
"Kristen, stop doing coke before the Oscars.....She doesnt even go here"

Seriously, who did she have to cheat on to get into the Oscars?

She has really just stopped trying.
Lets see if the handy dandy internet has a picture of what I saw

Just like dead pugs, I got no results.

Then Jennifer Lawrence fell on her way up the stairs.
I think we were all hoping it would happen.
I love her, and I love hunger games....


But that is what happens where you disrespect Meryl.

Maybe next year you will leave your bed comforter at home and go with something lighter.
I suggest silk.

Clearly neither her or her stylist anticipated her walking up stairs during the night...

However, she handled it like a champ in this interview.

"Im sorry, I did a shot before this"

Clearly.

Its okay,  Quvenzhane Wallis probably would have fallen too, seeing as she just learned how to walk.


No Mcfarlin jokes, I missed the boob song....or something.


Nope just youtubed it.

It was awesome.

Youtubed.

Yikes. I just invented a porn site.



LEMME JUST SAY HOW PLEASED I AM WITH THE NEW NO NECKLACE TREND.


What I swear to do if I ever go to the Oscars.
No Jewelry.
And when I go up on stage
No shoes.



Well maybe some studs.



NO, NO JEWELRY.


Can I just point out how the onstage "No you read it" bit is so over done....


Really. From the time you got assigned a fellow presenter and the time you stood on the wings, no one thought to determine WHO would read the envelope.....



There are tons of awkward moments at the Oscars. Line jumbles by people who are used to having multiple takes to get something right, music starting in the middle of someones speech, the one girl who always trys too hard to give a congratulatory kiss to the winner as he hurriedly makes his way on stage, but I am gonna have to say the most awkward moment of the Oscars is the hesitant non verbal communication that leads to 4 people screaming a name into a microphone.




Next year I will play a drinking game for the Oscars. You will drink for

• every Meryl Streep reference
• every "play off the stage"
• every envelope announcing hesitation
• every line jumble
• every time a nomminee side eyes

and if someone trips on the stairs, everyone has to take a shot. 

Wait, are drinking games already shots....?

Words can never make up for what you do

If someone you love...or who loves you yells at you to stop doing something, like say, eating their food every time they prepare it, just say "You will miss it when im dead." It works really well. Well, in my family at least.



Im currently waiting for Sean to get off work so we can go to dinner.
Im a little dressed up.
But not cuz its V day.
Just cuz i got a new dress.
I hate that dresses are considered fancy. Like, Im OVERDRESSED.
No...I would wear a dress to walmart...

I dont think boys understand dresses are actually much more comfy and easy then clothes.
A dress is the equvilent of a t-shirt.

you wake up,throw 1 thing on and head out the door.
Super comfy, super cute.

And luckily, I have tiny boobs, so I dont have to wear a bra.
Im a little scared of how well this white cotton dress will stand up to the night (Im a leaner, if ya know what I mean. Lots of nip slip potential.)

Honestly. Boobs are like this big myth to me.
Ive been told they exist...but....I dont believe it.
I think people think Im a lesbian because how obsessed with breasts I am .
Like my 16 year old little sister thing, She will be talking to me, and Im just staring at her very respectable sized boobs.
Its not that Im a perv. Im just tryign to figure out how they work!
Today I watched my friend shower, and I was just imaging what it would be like to have something hanging off your body.

Totally perplexed.


Like... how do they....


AND WHY DONT  I HAVE THEM.

Im not complaining.
Im just...confused.


I am worried Im gonna be too full to eat with Sean. Im just so hungry all the time.
Now that Im pregnant.
Right?
When did that happen.
News to me.
Im glad someone let me in the loop tho.

But seriously.
I started small. Like.....I justified eating a cashew...then some almonds...then.....some crackers....then some cookies....then I was like ENOUGH.


Im gonna ruin my appetite.

I LOOK TOO CUTE TO NOT HAVE A BURGER IN MY HAND.

Well, technically, it will be a teriaky chicken lettuce wrap....
but, tomato potatoes


I have never gone out on Valentines day.
I had a boyfriend last year...I think we stayed in (thats what I wanted)

But this year...I really wanna go out.
I think its all the indie movies Ive been watching.
Thats gotta be it.


I have red lip stick on. Im trying to make that my new staple. Like, shed the "bun girl" image.
Gotta be careful when you wear red lipstick cuz then people think your pregnant


I even  blow dried my hair.
I MUST REALLY LOVE THIS GUY.


I mean I do, but that has nothing to do with it.

I just go out in public about once a week. and its killing me.


8:40 and no Sean yet....

My life is just like an indie movie....

I'll give you all that I got

I just wanna go clubbing.
Why haven't I gone clubbing....


Have you ever noticed, you can not reach your MP3 player in the time it takes for PYT to convince you not to change it.
Its impossible.
Im like, "ugh, PYT, im kinda sick of ...." I WANT TO LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU"



So remember that computer class that we did nothing but debate in and I told you it was awful .
Today, was NOT awful.
In fact, we laughed a lot.

We were working in Word.

I learned how to do lots of cool stuff i didn't already know.Including lots of stuff about in text pictures.


Here is my sample page

Bet you cant guess what the essay is about.


There would be more pictures, but there was no good clip art for "Holocaust survivor"

I learned how to put pictures in shapes. My teacher said "Look here is a heart, you can put a kola in it!"

I said out loud "IM GONNA PUT A PICTURE OF MY BOYFRIEND IN IT!"

and he laughed a teacher laugh..


and then this freakin random kid who I have never noticed in my life said very quietly from the corner
 "I wish I had a girlfriend."


The entire class looked around and burst out laughing and my weirdo teacher goes "You can have my wife" and the class sorta awkwardly chuckles and the kid quietly says

"You wouldnt get her back." 




Also, my teacher said that we could find anything in clip art and then went on to say "Its like the rule 34 of Word documents" and  me and 1 other kid laughed. And all these kids went ..."what is rule #34?"
and I said "ITS FOR PORN"
And my teacher then said "And I have found its true."


Nope.


Too much.


unethical.

tone it back.


I mean, its funny cuz its inappropriate. But....come on.

This girl goes, "For real, they have Rocky horror Porn"

Im over here thinking, really girl? Thats the most obscure porn you can think of"

Im shoutin out zombie porn, and Simpsons porn, and like dragon tails....and this hoe comes up with Rocky Horror?


She also has her hair and make up done by 9 in the morning.

Are you kidding me?

I wake up with enough time to pee and commute.
And if I have to parallel park at school?
Forget it.



But the class is really awesome and I have lots of friends and they keep tally's of how many times the teacher says "Mkay?" in a 20 minute period (100+ - crazy right?)

Im so happy to be in school.

She's a man eater,makes em work hard,makes em spend hard

Today, I decided to stop into my old Broadway Solos class to say to all my old friends. I ended up hanging around campus, I planned to stay until 5 for improv rehearsal,but something came up so I got up and headed back to mesa. I parked in the stadium parking lot, which I usually dont, and since i had been in the theater building , I had a long trek to my car. Im walking, minding my own business thinking about eating some chocolate in my purse, when I look up and see him.
My heart starts beating fast and I look down, smiling.
I laughed,shook my head and thought "This is not happening"



Professor Hottie


What are you gonna do Britanee? Talk to him, or walk right past.
Maybe he will notice you.

"Oh hey {full name}" I say to him.


"Hey girl! How are you"
I wasnt surprised he didnt remember my name, lots of students, lots of time has passed, etc

We exchange the obligatory small talk untill he looks me up and down and says "Wow!"


Im stopped dead in my tracks.

A moment of freak out in my head, and then Im right back in it.

More mediocre small talk until he says "When you gonna take another one of my classes"

"Well, none of your other classes are applicable to my degree" I said, slouching
I continued to explain how I was only in one clas on campus.
Suddenly, I forgot every word for "registration"
I could have said sign-up, I could have said enrolled, I could have said a million other things.
But what did I say instead

"ya know, i didnt , the classes, i clicked, I mesed up with the, its,how you, the beginging, too late."

DAMN YOU YOU FOOL SPIT IT OUT YOU ARE LOOSING HIM.

So I recovered with

"But...you were my favorite teacher,so maybe i outa take one"

He explained he'd love to have me in his class, and that the nutrition class I inquired about was still in fact open, and doesn't start until MARCH.

He told me if the class filled up to contact him and he would override me.
Yeah he would.




He began to say his goodbyes but i butt-in
"How did it go with that canadian girl?"

He said "You know how canadian girls are"


Damn right I do.

I said "Did you take her rock climbing, did you look at the goods?"
(a reference to a conversation we had last semester about how I needed to get better at rock climbing to impress my boyfreind and how I wasnt that worried about being good at it, because regardless of my skill, Sean still got to look at my butt)


He laughed.

not just any laugh.


a real laugh.



He said " Regrettably, I did not. It didnt go anywhere, because it redefined long distance, maybe if she lived closer"

and I said "Well, you gotta love em and leave em"

He said...."Well.....I dont know about that, but maybe if she visited again Id love her some more"

And with that, we went our separate ways.

He turned around and said to me "Bye Brit. Hope to see ya soon"



He knew my name all along.





PITTER PATTER.

I do whatever, however I want.

No pinterest, that lipstick is not nude pink.
Nude is Nude.
Pink is pink.

Nude....
has no pink...


Do I have to do everything?

Geeez.
I dont even wear make-up and I know all about it.


So...I should be reading my world religions book.
But i dont want to.
SO im on pinterest instead.


I wanna go dirty blonde...because they get the best color pallet
and frankly, all hair styles in the world look better on them.
Its the definition of the combination of highlights and lowlights.



I think I may do some Wii fit later...and these fitness pins are making me debate possibly maybe thinking about working out.


WHO HIT MY HEAD WITH A HAMMER?

It hurts so bad. Like top left,towards the back- feels like someone hit me.

Im convinced my fontanels havnt closed.

Sean says they have.


Alright, remember your place...
Who is pre med?


If I need monologue advicee Ill ask you, okay?

But i dont think I would need it


*HAIR TOSS*


HAhahah, he told me he doesnt read my blog, but im pretty sure he does.
Ill just hide it from him on FB.

You know you can do that?

I bet I've hid a post from you.


ohhhhhhhhh




ok, im  gonna break it down for you.

You know how middle age woman are like "oh, i cant eat that it will go straight to my hips!"
And your like "Your so psycho. Im sure you've just had awkward fat distribution your whole life"
And they are like "No, when you hit a certain age...."
And you like "I will never be undesirable..."



Girl.
Im here to tell you, that shiz starts young.
Im not even 20 and im like "can someone tell me why im only gaining weight in my thighs?"


I have always worked my thunder thighs and took pride in my ghetto booty
And my weight was always pretty evenly distributed  (well, ya know, except or in my boobs. No fat ever took a stop there....)


But...what i got going on right now....
not cute....

Im gonna draw you a replica

No Im not naked PERVERT.

Thats my top bun.

But no im not even joking, that is how my body looks.

Im like...."gurlll your late teens have done nothing for you"

Dont get me wrong. I LOVEEEE my big hips. I get a lot of love from the fellas. But.....If i keep going at this rate.

Im gonna have a cup booty.

Like... that one ludachris song thats like "a$$ big enough to put a cup on her booty"

Im talkin the girls at walmart who you see and your like...how....did that...how.....

Did you know beyonces costumes have built in hips.

mhm.

and baby bumps

#conspiracytheoristforlife

im serious.

I wouldnt need that.

Today, Seans hair looked like it had a bump-it in it. And his brother said he wanted one I told him Id bring him one. He said "you have a bump-it?" I said "Yes, because i was a teenage girl once."

And his brother said "Do you have that underwear that..." 

" im gonna stop you right there....I dont have a Booty Pop. I NEVER needed one."

And thats the truth.

I dont like to watch movies (especially in theaters) and I dont like to watch TV either - unless its New Girl, but I mean, that goes without saying.

But every blue moon, I do WANT to watch one. That is tonight. I asked Sean if we can watch one when he gets off work, knowing the answer would be yes.Because Sean loves movies and TV. And I dont. So, he doesnt watch them with me hardly ever. Of course he let me pick the movie. As long as it doesnt involve Amanda Bynes.

Thats almost a deal breaker. 

Doesnt bother me that he is an atheist. Doesnt bother me that he has a child. Doesnt bother me that he doesnt like Christmas music.

But...Shes the Man is one of the all time funniest movies. 

I got a couple of things that can change his mind.

PAUSE:

Im listening to Im Leggit by Nicki minaj

and my mom starts talking to me over the music, she says "I got you something today"

But I heard a hybrid of her words and nicki's lyrics

so the end result was my mother saying 

"I got you birth control today"

That was very considerate mother.

UNPAUSE:

But what movie do I wanna watch?

I really wanna watch Hard Candy, but its not on Netflix, and blockbusters no longer exist.....

so....i dont know what to do. 

I dont even like watching movies.

I just like that watching movies with him is the equivalent of calling dibs on him. 

But i mean.

I already have dibs.

I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN MY THIGHS?

He aint goin nowhere.

Fool aint got no wonderin eye.

Not with hips like that.

and...ya know....THE TOP BUN.

I guess im going out to eat with my parents now. 

So bye. 

http://www.allmusic.com/album/a-collection-of-20-songs-about-booties-mw0001021473