You're the only one that I want, think Im addicted to your light.

During the second week of school I met this human named T,who dressed sharp and stood out, as she was in no way like others at MCC.

I met her briefly at an EPC event, and thought nothing of it. Later in the day I walked into the EPC office and saw her. We started small talk that turned into me telling her things its taken me years to entrust in my closest friends. And she did likewise. I learned more of her queer sexuality and gender fluidity.

We were fast friends. I lit up every time I saw her.


A week or so later I asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me. She asked if it was a date and I answered yes.

Here is the thing its taken me a few years to realize.
Growing up Mormon, I think of dates much differently than others.
So while many people think a date is a small step of commitment, I think of a date as something you do involving chalk, ice cream, and the expectation of platonic friendship.


We went on the date and talked all about our sexuality.She had heard a lot of my reputation of being a man eater and told me she just needed to learn my language to know how to categorize me. I elaborated on my new label of "queer" which I had very recently enacted to unsubscribe from heteronormativity. I refused to cut off half the population just because I'd been socialized it was the normal thing, and didnt like that people could just assume my sexuality. I also informed her I have much stronger, quicker developing feelings for men,and have historically dated only men, and while I wouldn't rule out dating a girl, I didn't really see it happening.

She categorized me as straight female friend.


Due to this label, I trusted her with all my secrets. All the secrets about current situations with a certain boy, all my insecurities, everything really.

We just kept becoming stronger friends, and from that came a sense of protection. We were always looking out for the other.
T never made any advancements or attempts to sway me. T kept it more "just friends" than I did.


We went on a 4 day school trip to San Diego . Throughout this trip small things kept happening that would build into pretty undeniable "more-than-friend-feelings" . Things like collecting shells on the beach like little kids, things like her stepping between me and creepy men, things like brushing our teeth alongside each other at the end of the night, thinking that is how I wanted everyday to end.

One night on the light-rail to go downtown with all our friends,I held her hand for no reason. And then held her hand all night. And then on the entire bus drive home.

Something in our dynamic had shifted. I told T I didn't want  to change anything until I was sure of what it was.

Uhm,
That was a whole crazy process of me deciphering what I had learned though my socialization , where were actual feelings, and what was just exciting because it was new, and weighing a loss of privileged as a hetero-projecting person.
I did not overlook this process. I didn't just think..."Ill try this out" or "all the cool kids are doing it" or "this will teach my Mormon parents!"

T means more to me than most people I've ever met, and I would never do anything to just toy with her emotions.
Something was always different with T.

It was a whole self reflecting, societal reflecting, family reflecting process.
And eventually, it all just clicked and I didn't want anyone else. And I couldn't deny the completely new feelings.

And I will tell you, its not easy.
Its not easy to think my support of LGBTQ rights just lost all objectiveness, and therefore power.
Its not easy to have people think you are just a feminist because you're a lesbian (which I'm not, but whatever: labels.)
Its not easy to have you mom change the subject anytime you talk about how your date went that night.
Its not easy to have your dad remind you "God intends ultimate happiness between a married man and woman"
Its not easy to get disgusted stares from complete strangers just for holding someones hand.
Its not easy to kiss with one eye open so no one does or says anything to hurt the person you care about most.


But I think the hardest part is watching the person you care about most sit silently in a Thai restaurant and replay in her head the words of the women who thought it was her place to loudly reprimand us for publicly kissing, and know we can count on that happening again.



But. I couldn't image facing all that garbage with anyone else but her.
She makes me happy, shes socially aware, she's ridiculously musically talented, she's a genius who is probably finding allll the grammar errors in this right now,she dances like a complete bad-ass, she leaves class to find me when she hears I'm having a hard day, she stands for what she believes in with supportable data and passion, she respects every person she meets, she calms me down when I start acting straight crazy.


Last night, T took me on the best date of my entire life which consisted of tasty drinks alongside a lake, bongo lessons (I play claves like a pro) , a racist/sexist dog walker, consequential hilarious jokes about said dog-walker, delicious Thai food, and...wait for it...


MOTHER EFFFING DANCE LESSONS TO PARTITION



T was like..."oh lets stop in this dance studio to see my friends".
And then the instructor is like  "Want to learn this choreography to Partition?"


IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW PARTITION IS MY JAMMMMMMMMMMMM. AND THIS WAS NOT PANSY STUFF. THIS WAS SOME NITTTTTTYYYGRIIITTTYY HIP HOP.

Best date of my life.
2 hours of Beyonce choreography.




Its unexpected. Its unorthodox. Its scary. Its my favorite.

She is my favorite.

So good.

People that put their passion before them being comfortable.

Last Friday I left for a Bridging Cultures trip with MCC.

I am incredibly fortunate to be handed so many opportunities this semester, its honestly changing me faster than I can keep up with.


We went to Tuscon, learned about border patrol, drug smuggling,the environmental detriments due to the WALL and the complicated process of legal application for citizenship.

Did you know citizenship application from mexico in 1993 are just now getting reviewed?. 

Someone who applied for legal citizenship would have to wait my lifetime.

I was greatly impacted by my perception of ignorance surrounding the border issue, and of course had another social justice issue to add to my list of passions. I don't mind. Id rather be informed and "angry" then blissfully apathetic

The next day we went to the Tohono O'odham Nation and learned about the effects of migrants and border patrol.

Did you know United Stated Border Patrol uses large amounts of  Tohono O'odham Nation land and only pays a $1 lease per year.


I had this crazy experience on top of a sacred mountain which consisted of me feeling completely connected to all humans, and consequently crying uncontrollably to the presenter afterward.
It was awesome.

  I saw the same passion and determination in her that I recognize within myself. I also saw her facing the same adversity. I saw her doing the dirty work. The hard work. The work that makes people think you are crazy and makes you lose friends and exhausts you to the point of laying awake at night. The work that opens peoples eyes and changes peoples heart at a glacier pace. I saw myself in her and it made me sad that our lives are both destined to be hard. But I also saw the same response to the struggle we both face.  We couldn't chose any other path, even if we wanted to, which we don't.

We then drove from Tucson to LA and I got road sickness for the first time ever, which was a neat experience.

While in LA we went to Cycadelic Records in Compton to learn about the Rodney King riots as well as the friction within Compton today.
Our Presenter , Lucia  was a female who spoke of growing up in Compton, who spoke of issues I recognize every day within my own town . She spoke my language, sociology terminology rhythmical flowing in her sentences, her passion for her education apparent.
A midst her sea of words she said a sentence I'm sure she never intended to be so impact-full.
"Im trying to write the book I never read"

That only sums up the reason for every single thing I do and every aspiration I have.

I asked her about her schooling after the presentation.
She informed me of her bachelors, and 2 masters all in fields of sociology and her current pursuit of her PhD.
Upon asking her age she answered "26."


Damn.




I have always hated the quote "You can not be what you can not see"

Its often used in feminist movement persuasion.

I never agreed with it because I feel like I have stood for many things I never saw someone stand for, and Im not someone who looks to see if others are doing it before I do so myself.
However, I will tell you, the most impact people in my life are females who do the unexpected. And in turn I believe I can do so too.

I never aspired to achieve a  Masters Degree until I met Mona Scott, who overcame unthinkable opposition to succeed.

And I never wanted 2 Masters until this weekend when I met Lucia.

The drive home from LA was filled more contemplation then I expected from this 4 day trip. Contemplation about social justice, about humanity, about my schooling and life choices.
I made a lot of decisions, but the one I am most sure in is that I now plan on getting 2 masters.
One in Human Sexuality
And one in Race.



BE what you can not see.

Ready or not, here I come

What a luxury it would be to speak out of emotion.
To have a trigger response, and for it to be heard, and respected, and thought to be educated and justified.


As a female, I have never had that luxury.
I must speak more eloquently, more logically, and more APOLOGETICALLY than my male counterpart, in order, not to be BELIEVED, but to not be immediately DISMISSED.

What a luxury it must be to feel like its your place to tell someone what they should have done differently,and for it to be considered an act of kindness.
When I do that, I am out of place, naggy.


What a luxury it must be to feel entitled to saying what you want.

I have never had that luxury.








Stop ignoring that you have more privilege than someone else simply because it makes you feel uncomfortable and do something constructive with it.


That is what I want to say.

But that is far too abrasive for this young white girl to be saying.
Instead she has to use words that make those who are over-privileged invisible, so they don't have to face the fact they have more ability to do something about it.
So they don't have to know what it feels like to be out of their comfort zone.
So we don't, for a second, have to know what it feels like to be underprivileged.
To not be white.