You're the only one that I want, think Im addicted to your light.

During the second week of school I met this human named T,who dressed sharp and stood out, as she was in no way like others at MCC.

I met her briefly at an EPC event, and thought nothing of it. Later in the day I walked into the EPC office and saw her. We started small talk that turned into me telling her things its taken me years to entrust in my closest friends. And she did likewise. I learned more of her queer sexuality and gender fluidity.

We were fast friends. I lit up every time I saw her.


A week or so later I asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me. She asked if it was a date and I answered yes.

Here is the thing its taken me a few years to realize.
Growing up Mormon, I think of dates much differently than others.
So while many people think a date is a small step of commitment, I think of a date as something you do involving chalk, ice cream, and the expectation of platonic friendship.


We went on the date and talked all about our sexuality.She had heard a lot of my reputation of being a man eater and told me she just needed to learn my language to know how to categorize me. I elaborated on my new label of "queer" which I had very recently enacted to unsubscribe from heteronormativity. I refused to cut off half the population just because I'd been socialized it was the normal thing, and didnt like that people could just assume my sexuality. I also informed her I have much stronger, quicker developing feelings for men,and have historically dated only men, and while I wouldn't rule out dating a girl, I didn't really see it happening.

She categorized me as straight female friend.


Due to this label, I trusted her with all my secrets. All the secrets about current situations with a certain boy, all my insecurities, everything really.

We just kept becoming stronger friends, and from that came a sense of protection. We were always looking out for the other.
T never made any advancements or attempts to sway me. T kept it more "just friends" than I did.


We went on a 4 day school trip to San Diego . Throughout this trip small things kept happening that would build into pretty undeniable "more-than-friend-feelings" . Things like collecting shells on the beach like little kids, things like her stepping between me and creepy men, things like brushing our teeth alongside each other at the end of the night, thinking that is how I wanted everyday to end.

One night on the light-rail to go downtown with all our friends,I held her hand for no reason. And then held her hand all night. And then on the entire bus drive home.

Something in our dynamic had shifted. I told T I didn't want  to change anything until I was sure of what it was.

Uhm,
That was a whole crazy process of me deciphering what I had learned though my socialization , where were actual feelings, and what was just exciting because it was new, and weighing a loss of privileged as a hetero-projecting person.
I did not overlook this process. I didn't just think..."Ill try this out" or "all the cool kids are doing it" or "this will teach my Mormon parents!"

T means more to me than most people I've ever met, and I would never do anything to just toy with her emotions.
Something was always different with T.

It was a whole self reflecting, societal reflecting, family reflecting process.
And eventually, it all just clicked and I didn't want anyone else. And I couldn't deny the completely new feelings.

And I will tell you, its not easy.
Its not easy to think my support of LGBTQ rights just lost all objectiveness, and therefore power.
Its not easy to have people think you are just a feminist because you're a lesbian (which I'm not, but whatever: labels.)
Its not easy to have you mom change the subject anytime you talk about how your date went that night.
Its not easy to have your dad remind you "God intends ultimate happiness between a married man and woman"
Its not easy to get disgusted stares from complete strangers just for holding someones hand.
Its not easy to kiss with one eye open so no one does or says anything to hurt the person you care about most.


But I think the hardest part is watching the person you care about most sit silently in a Thai restaurant and replay in her head the words of the women who thought it was her place to loudly reprimand us for publicly kissing, and know we can count on that happening again.



But. I couldn't image facing all that garbage with anyone else but her.
She makes me happy, shes socially aware, she's ridiculously musically talented, she's a genius who is probably finding allll the grammar errors in this right now,she dances like a complete bad-ass, she leaves class to find me when she hears I'm having a hard day, she stands for what she believes in with supportable data and passion, she respects every person she meets, she calms me down when I start acting straight crazy.


Last night, T took me on the best date of my entire life which consisted of tasty drinks alongside a lake, bongo lessons (I play claves like a pro) , a racist/sexist dog walker, consequential hilarious jokes about said dog-walker, delicious Thai food, and...wait for it...


MOTHER EFFFING DANCE LESSONS TO PARTITION



T was like..."oh lets stop in this dance studio to see my friends".
And then the instructor is like  "Want to learn this choreography to Partition?"


IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW PARTITION IS MY JAMMMMMMMMMMMM. AND THIS WAS NOT PANSY STUFF. THIS WAS SOME NITTTTTTYYYGRIIITTTYY HIP HOP.

Best date of my life.
2 hours of Beyonce choreography.




Its unexpected. Its unorthodox. Its scary. Its my favorite.

She is my favorite.

So good.