The masturbation shirt.

I'm a big fan of scholarships.
Every semester I apply for an Honors scholarship in which you create a contract with any chosen teacher to do some kind of extra project.

Of course, I chose human sexuality.
I approached my professor about the project.

Now normally, most professors have a cookie cutter honors assignment: do an extra paper.

Of course, the gem that is Mona Scott replied "What do you want to do?"


I spent a couple days thinking of Ideas.

I got the idea to make a shirt that read "NOT A VIRGIN"
I wanted to do something that would force people to confront a human who symbolized something society refuses to accept: premarital sex.
I wanted to punch society in the face and remind everyone that this ideal we hold people to rarely exists.

I really liked this idea. It showed I had no shame about the fact I had premarital sex. It showed I don't succumb the shame society hypocritically emits.


Mona respectfully listed to my idea and then politely responded "Its not shocking enough. You're saying something everyone knows, and just chooses to ignore. What is something that would make people STOP and talk to you?"


I thought of what was more shameful than premarital sex for a female.

I instantly thought of Porn.

People are constantly asking me my opinion of porn as someone who has literally studied it.
I have had a few requests to write blogs about what I think of porn, and I responded that I didn't feel comfortable doing so.

Why don't I feel comfortable talking about porn?
I claim to be completely comfortable in my sexuality.
So why was I so afraid to make a shirt that proclaimed I watch Porn.


Because porn and masturbation go hand and hand.

Because it wouldn't take long for people to infer that since I watch porn, I masturbate.

Which side note: I totally do both....

I realized that is what no one talks about.
That is what society ignores in women.

Woman can Vote.
Woman can have Careers.
Woman can have Nannies.

But woman STILL can not masturbate.

Disagree as much as you'd like to.(Actually, try not to, because I will get seriously crazy on you)
But the years of feeling like a monster prove my point.

Growing up Mormon, I was taught , like most people are, that masturbating was bad.


I did not then and do not now understand why.

I've always been pretty hard to shame, so it didn't take me very long to inform close girlfriends that I masturbated.
And you want to know what?
Every single girl I told, in turn told me that she did too.
Girls would honestly say "I thought I was some kind of monster! I thought I was the only one, that something was wrong with me!"

Growing up we are all, boys and girls, told not to masturbate (seriously, can someone tell me why?).
We are all told its bad.
But girls especially know not to do it.
Only boys do that.
And if you WANT to be doing that- Something is wrong with you.
Stay lady like, cross your legs, and get ready for a life of having a sudden headache anytime your husband is in bed next to you.

Even at 17 I was furious that the girls around me were made to feel ashamed of this.

I really cant explain how bad this socialization makes girls feel about themselves.
I can honestly say it was the most deprecating feeling in the world.
You feel trapped.
You feel disgusting to others.
You feel like something is wrong with you, like you were wired wrong.

You honestly feel like something that limps out of dark corners to search for food in a trash can and then scurries away when it hears a noise.

And its not because masturbation is bad.
Its because ever single person and word you are faced with makes you think so.
And for what reason?
Please tell me what is worth making a person feel that bad about.

Also, I just really hate that men get all the blame put on them. Its pretty unfair.


I chose to make a shirt that read "I MASTURBATE"
Because it terrified me.
I chose to wear that shirt because it was the scariest thing I could imagine doing. And that is exactly why I had to do it.

People see it and think I'm some rebellious hooligan with a paintbrush and access to cheap white shirts.
When in reality I was enacting a practice called ethnomethodology.
The process of social disruption - breaking a social norm


The social norm being broken was not acknowledging that humans masturbate, it was that this really pretty, funny, lovable girl - masturbates. A lot.

People might think I just chose to wear this shirt to get attention.

What people don't know is that I read 10 peer-reviewed articles on ethnomethodology, gender expectations of sexuality, and socialization of masturbation and then did an annotated bibliography.

I didn't just make some shirt.
I dove into why this gender norm exists, the harm it creates, and the benefits society could reap if it was broken.

I saw articles that statistically proved that masturbation can lead to increased body confidence (if you can ever get past feeling guilty for it) , it can decrease STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and adultery.
I read articles reinforcing that masturbation is a male tendency, so women were simply exempt from consideration within the article

So I made the shirt.





And in the end, the reason I wore this shirt was for all of the girls who feel like monsters to see they don't have to.




I wore the shirt to prove I am not ashamed of the fact I masturbate.






So this morning I walked onto campus at 8:25 a.m.  literally shaking with fear.

Fear of what people would think.
Fear of what people would say.
Fear.


I sat at a table doing homework in an area with little foot traffic.


At 8:40 I felt someone hovering behind me.

15 minutes. It took 15 minutes.

I breathed deep as I recognized my first confrontation was about to take place.

I turned, brightly smiling "Hello!"

"Hello..." responded the 50ish year old woman clearly uncomfortable.

"So may I ask you about your shirt?"

"Please do"

"Why are you wearing it?"

"Its a process called ethnomethodology. Its essentially social disruption."

"I see. Well, multiple students have come to me complaining about your shirt."

"Oh really? What have they said about it"

"Well, they are very offended. They don't know if its some kind of prank, or if you have something to prove, they don't know why a WOMAN would be wearing this shirt"


Thank God for that comment, or I may have taken the shirt off out of terror.
A small smirk crept across my face  as I was reminded of every reason I was doing this.


"That's actually the reason I'm wearing  the shirt, to hear what people think of it. What do you suggest I do?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you suggest I take it off, do you suggest I continue wearing it? What do you suggest?"


"Well, you should take into consideration that it is offending people."

"I'll be sure to do that."


Now she was awkwardly lingering.
Following her socialization to dislike anything that was not defined. My refusal to vocalize whether the shirt would remain on  or not fell within her disdain for the undefined.

"Its interesting..." she said halfheartedly.

"Have a great day" I cooed as I turned back to my school work.

I whispered "I'm not even gonna make it the whole day before someone forces me to take off this shirt"

I was mortified. I had no idea how I was gonna wear this shirt all day long. I was physically nauseous. I avoided all eye contact as I walked to my next class. After that class I ran on shaky knees to Mona's room to get advice.

As I walked into her room, a boy looked me up and down and said smiling "Nice shirt."
I was too flustered to acknowledge it. I figured I'd met the one person in the world who was on my side.

While I was telling Mona about the disapproving woman, who apparently has an office just for student complaints, one of Mona's students (a girl) shouted "I love your shirt!"
I was shocked.
I spun around....
"Right?" I said

She got out her phone and asked if she could take a picture.

Heck yes you may.

Just then, multiple other students wanted pictures. Everyone was asking me where I got the shirt and why I was wearing it.
There was plenty of chatter, but it was nothing but resounding support and admiration for the courage it was taking to wear it.

I walked out of that room feeling like a million bucks.

It took me 5 times as long to walk to my next class due to everyone stopping me.

I walked through the busiest part of campus on purpose.

Girls were all asking for pictures of the shirt or pictures with me, and if they could add me on some social network.

And from then on, that's how it went.

I got lots of high fives and thumbs ups.


As usual, girls were so happy someone else admitted to masturbating and recognized this weird myth that girls don't have the sexual desire nor the finesse to satisfy themselves.


I didn't notice, but friends who walked with me were astounded at the looks I was getting. They ranged from shocked frozen faces, to THE MOST OBVIOUS AND UNCOMFORTABLE EYE DIVERSIONS EVER.

Some cute guy stopped me with "Can I ask you a question about your shirt"

"You sure can!" I shouted enthusiastically. (I basically owned the place by this point.)

"What does it mean?"

"Oh no, you don't know what masturbation means?!" I said, imitating concern.

I continued "I can explain it to you, I'd be more than happy to."

He laughed like cute boys do and then said "NO, I guess my question is do you really do it?"

"HECK YEAH I DO"

He paused.
Then high fived me.

Unrelated: I WAS FREEZING IN THIS SHIRT. IT WAS ABOUT 50 DEGREES AND I WAS IN A SPORTS BRA AND A COTTON SHORT SLEEVE SHIRT!



So that was the point of the shirt Allyson Van Patten.

There were many.
Like a $350 scholarship, or the complete obliteration of social norms.
But I guess what it boiled down to was proving I'm not ashamed, and to give others a chance to realize they don't have to be either.



Furthermore, the reason I even bother posting it on Facebook was to compare what people had the nerve to say to me in real life as opposed to behind the safety of a computer screen.

Surprisingly, the results have been no different. Good job facebook friends!


This project was hands down the coolest thing I've ever done. I was wildly passionate about the research and would come flying out of the library with crazy insight as to why we are all led to stereotype that men were the only ones doing it and why we as a society are going to continue to do so.


Continue to do so, that is, if no one tries to change things.

Its hard out here for a Bitch

Lately, I've been oddly sensitive to peoples opinion of me.

I think everyone has tendencies to care of others opinions. However, recently its been to a degree that is very unlike me.

There are a lot of reasons for this that I recognize and dislike, but what can ya do.

Last night I was at a party of a super close friend.

She was putting all this effort into the party when she got a text saying that a boy was coming whom she really didn't want there.

So much so she had to leave the room.

She came back in and explained the situation.

We all squawked to just text the friend and tell him not to come.

She explained she didn't want to start drama or appear mean or as some irrational,overreacting female.

I saw something I see in girls (including myself) all the time.

A girl who was going to accept being uncomfortable in her own environment just so someone else wouldn't have to. 

I see it all the time, girls who have been socialized its our responsibility to "take care" or those around us, specifically boys. Don't hurt their feelings, at all costs.

Girls who have been socialized that speaking your mind is nagging or being irrational.

Girls who feel that standing up for themselves is mean, rude  or disrespectful

So my friend did it. 

She text him and told him he wasn't welcome.

I was very impressed with how tactfully she handled the situation

But more so, I was impressed with why she handled the situation.

When talking to me about it she said "I'm not just going to act like nothing ever happened." 

I act like I know how these things work.

Socialization, or relationships in general.

But truth is I dont follow a lot of my own rules.

For some reason, at that moment it all just clicked.

I am no longer going to let others opinions of me cause me to second guess my own opinions. 

I am no longer going to feel I need to act like certain things "never happened" 

I'm going to stand by what I believe and not allow others to make me feel like I need to conform to their ideas. Of religion. Of gender roles. Of manners.

Yes, I say things in the moment that I later regret. A lot. 

Yes I say hypocritical things, a lot.

Yes I say mean, negative, and shocking things, a lot.

 Im still learning who I am and how to interact with these very new, very important and personal opinions Ive formed.

I know Im constantly  contradicting myself.

I think I notice that more than anyone.

And its no ones place to tell me that isn't allowed.

But I will take being  the trigger-happy-opinionated-woman over being the woman-who-just-goes-with-the-flow-brainlessly, every time. 

Every time.

Even when it causes people close to me to get defensive.

Even when it causes me to feel like no one agrees with my point of view.

I feel like people think if they trap me, they can stop me.

"Look Britanee! I just caught you saying something sexist. So you cant be a woman who recognizes gender inequality anymore. Hah!"

You know how many blog posts I start, and then never post because of what I think people will think of them?

Despite popular belief, I don't want to start arguments, or offend people. 

So I keep my opinions quiet in consideration of those who would never return the respect. 

Last night I realized I really like who I am.

I like this new me who cant stand organized religion and the justification it brings to really unchrist like treatment of others. Who cant stay quiet about white privilege. Who has something to say about the perpetuation of stereotypes of the oppressed in every day interactions. Who says things that cause her to be so embarrassed she lays in bed at night thinking about them. Who is still learning the line between assertiveness and bitchiness.Who is so content in her convictions. Who makes others uncomfortable due to her bluntness.

I love every sloppy thing about me. 

Because it is so much better then the neat and tidiness that comes with ignorant apathy.

Old but Im not that old.

Here is my favorite answer from my violence towards woman survey when asked "What is the difference between harassment and violence?"



"Honestly, I find harassment against women to be a double standard. Women are able to do any of the things you listed in question 4 and nobody would give a shit. You should instead acknowledge the violence men receive from women. If you believe that women are being harassed and men aren't that's complete bullshit. Either both genders are equally harassed in different ways, or men and women need to grow the fuck up, be independent and solve these issues themselves. All of the possible cases of "harassment" listed in question 4 can be solved by simply not giving a shit or taking a stand for themselves."


Guess the gender.


Guess the age.



Here is a link to the survey in case you haven't taken it and would like to know what is being said when the person references question 4.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BDWXCF6

This 12 year old boy has clearly solved the worlds problems.


While his age quickly deteriorates the weight of his words, there is something to be said for the social construction we are creating. 
Who or what taught a twelve year old to think this way?

You can blame the one before

Now that I know about really big problems in the world, like Nike sweat shops in Indonesia or current Government perpetuated oppression of minorities in America, it feels really pointless to write about such meaningless things.

In this case, my love life.


I don't think I have posted anything about my love life in.... over 5 months. Aside from the occasional comedic story about some goodwill encounter.

I have  lot of reasons for this.
 But the biggest reason being...its non existent at the moment.
It didn't take me long to be reminded of my reputation of being a heartless man eater once I got out of my last relationship.
A reputation I used to kind of like, sort of as pay back to all the men who are womanizers.
But then I realized I would just chomping up really nice guys. And that isnt payback to anybody.
I also came to the sad conclusion I cant just do whatever I want.
Id "be myself" with guy friends and then play the "Im just a flirt" card.
Which I am. A huge flirt. It comes really natural. And I can seriously turn it on when I want to.
But then I realized I can also turn it off.

And I like it. I like when its turned off.


Today I overheard a woman on her phone at Goodwill.

"No, I cant just hang out with him and see where It goes. Im picky. It aint gonna go nowhere, and I cant have him freaking out when he realizes it."


COME TO ME SPIRIT ANIMAL.

Preemptive measures. Why hadn't I thought of that before.

I should have asked her every question I have about life.

Everything she said sparked a million thoughts in my head, but the one I keep replaying is the word "picky"

I just keep thinking "Im picky."

And thats why I dont flirt like a crazy person anymore.
Because Im picky.
Because I don't just date to "see where it goes" anymore. Cuz Ive seen where it goes.
Because I love not having to ask anyone's permission for anything.
Because I know Im not going to live in AZ for much longer.
Because I love proving to myself I can fall asleep without someone next to me.


People always make small talk starting with "So how about you and those boys Britanee"

"No boys." I answer smiling.
Its like my future has no face. And its so exciting.


Also, with everything Im learning in school, I cant even fathom being in a relationship.
Im on the outside looking in when it comes to dating and relationships.

They dont even make sense to me at this point.
Im not convinced that the kind of boy it will take to date me doesn't exist in Arizona. But Im pretty close to convinced.


Its this totally new feeling to be completely cut from the weight of relationships.
People always asking about them
Always thinking about them
wondering who will be next
worrying about who wont
writing blogs about them

After the break up with Sean. It was unavoidable.
All of my best friends were in relationships. Everyone was asking me about them. Everywhere I looked I was reminded I wasn't in one, and the clock was now ticking.

Im at this really enjoyable point where there is no clock.


Its like I can actually be productive in other aspects of my life.







I probably just jinxed everything and Im going to be in a relationship by tomorrow.

I've never felt more alone, feels so scary getting old.

Just dont have it in me today. 

So much Lorde. 

Always rainin men, girl, whatchu worried bout?

Edit : This blog gets crazy. Stick with it. It gets less crazy. (maybe) 

I have so much to sayyyy

Today is the first time since last Monday that I have had time to blog 

(wow Britanee we are all shocked that you are finally starting to be integrated into real life)

I cut myself off from facebook. Because I am an addict. And I need to actually start working on school stuff instead of scrolling down a repetitive news feed waiting for people to IM me.

Taylor has my password, and whenever I really want on, I ask him to log me in.

I had a lot of really important things to say, about drug wars, and my current mental state as it relates to my career aspirations.

But today what has got me really worked up, is unrequited love.

It seems to be the season for unrequited love.

Every where I look there is someone who has really strong feelings for someone who has little to none in return. 

Now that I have been on both sides of this, I consider myself some what of an expert. 

(Thank You) *bows*

I just recently faced a situation (again) that really gets my blood boiling.

Let me preface this with saying- I know I am flirtatious. I know the vibes I give out. I can see where the miscommunication may stem from.

But what I can NOT stand is when I tell a boy "I don't want a relationship with you"

And then learn he thinks waiting around is the trick.

If he just waits I will "come to my senses" and FINALLY start to realize my feelings for him.

And you know what? It makes me furious.

I take responsibility for leading him on. For the mixed signals.

But there are times I can NOT be any clearer on my intentions.

And then to hear they are being disregarded.

This is what I hear:

"She is just an indecisive, emotional girl. She doesn't know what she wants. I will show her what she wants. Her current opinion is the wrong one. Ill just wait here till she develops the right one. She cant do or say what she wants. She Isnt allowed."

Don't get me wrong, I recognize the holes in this thinking.I cant see its irrationality. 

BUT SERIOUSLY. 

When I tell you "This is permanent. I do not want to be in a relationship with you"

THAT ISN'T PLAYING HARD TO GET. 

So why do I bring this up.

I was listening to a close friend talk about a similar situation. He says "I think its time for 'the talk'"

PAUSE.

I don't think I have clapped so hard in my life.

"BOY, WHAT TALK? SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU. SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING WITH YOU! NOTHING HAS CHANGED. SO QUIT ASKING HER IF IT HAS. OHHH LORD. "

at this point I am full on walking in circles as my eyes roll so hard  its effecting the momentum of my head. 

"A GIRL SAYS WHAT SHE WANTS AND NOBODY LISTENS. ALL YOU JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT. FOR WHAT. AIN'T NOTHING CHANGING."

Boys tell me "Girls cant be nice to boys. They read into it."

Well girls are just screwed then.

Its a girls fault she smiled at you. 

Its a girls fault she treated you cordially.

Its a girls fault she invites you to spend time with her.

Girls. Stop smiling. Stop being polite. And stop having a social life that involves anything other than girls.

Maybe you should just stay quiet and paint your nails. 

Don't wanna give boys any ideas.

Its like girls arent allowed to have free agency. 

I know it isn't black and white. There are girls who SERIOUSLY lead guys on and then cut them off. Or really play with boys emotions. 

Like, say, cuddle with them.

I also know it isn't always girls doing the leading on.

Britanee, what are you even trying to get at.

If the person you have feelings for has told you they don't feel the same way, or they don't want to pursue any feelings. Hear them. As much as you disagree with them, or as much as you think if they just gave you a chance you could be great together.

I know it sucks.

Im sick of girls getting blamed for being  "players" because some boy chose not to hear them when they said "I have no intention of dating you"

Im also sick of good boys getting played because some girl couldnt answer a question straight out for fear of hurting some guy.

I also recognize mixed signals are a real thing. 

If someone is doing something that confuses you. Clarify. With that person. Not your group of friends who don't know the situation either.

I cant stand when girls sit around asking "What does this text mean? Do you think he likes me?"

GO ASK HIM.

And if you don't have a line of communication that allows for that, then maybe you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with him or her.

Trust me, I need to take my own advice. 

Everyone is playing this game because they are so worried about losing something they never even had. 

And at the end of the day, who wants to convince someone else to be with them? 

We might be hollow but we're brave

I havent blogged in a long time.


In all honesty its because I feel like it just gives people more to make fun of me about.

I dont often get discouraged in my career aspirations.
I go and learn about outrageously large and seemingly unmovable obstacles in society.
Such as  pornography creating an unrealistic ideal of sex and woman,objectification of woman leading to violence,white privilege causing a lack of empathy,media illiteracy in both boys and girls causing low self worth. I comprehend how these all create a vicious cycle of a really messed up society.
And every day I drive down the 60 east so excited about my future.
I very rarely drive home feeling like the obstacles are just too big to ever make any kind of progress.

Most people respond to my newly voiced opinions on these issues by disregarding them. They chatter off about how they personally are not effected by those factors, so they dont really matter. How I shouldnt get so passionate, because those arent even real problems. Their mom had a full time job and their dad helped with the dishes and they had to do their own laundry and a black man is president and Mexicans are poor because they never cared to get an education and white people have problems too. So just stop talking, Britanee.

And that is what discourages me.
When people try to convince me I shouldnt want these things.That they are trivial and Im simply an angsty adolescent.

Because that is so much easier to do. If we dont have a problem, we dont have to work towards a solution.


All I hear when people try to silence me is "Stay in your place,girl, quit tryin to rock the boat"




I dont want women to have "second shift"
I dont want a woman who makes less money then her male counterpart to come home from working the same 8 hour shift her husband did to be expected to cook, clean, and chase children while her husband watches the game.

I want my mother to stop calling me and asking me to start dinner and clean the bathroom and put her clothes in the washer while Taylor sits watching the food network.

I want to unlearn the idea that how I prove my love for a man is by offering him seconds before clearing his dishes at the table.

I dont want to stop doing nice things for people I love.
I dont want to stop pulling my weight, or contributing my fair share.
Thats what I want, a fair share.



As soon as I decided I wanted to go into sex education/gender equality/media literacy I knew I would face a lot of trash.
I knew people would assume I was some radical, man hating feminist who has sex with anyone and everyone and should be kept away from your children.
I was prepared for that.


But what I wasn't prepared for was being told how stupid and ludicrous I am for standing up for something I am passionate about.

There was about a 2 week period where it made me second guess myself. Moments where I realized this is what I will face for the rest of my life, and brief moments where I concluded it wasn't worth it.
Wasn't worth people I'd never met disrespecting me behind a computer screen,or even worse people I had met. Wasn't worth people making preposterous assumptions about my beliefs. My beliefs that couldn't possibly have stemed from good-intentions, but from ignorance. Wasn't worth people putting words in my mouth. Wasn't worth the infinite off handed jokes who's subtle truth stung long after the laughter subsided.



But at the end of the day,everyone knows the quickest way to silence a woman is to call her an uneducated whore.

After I changed my perception, its funny that every person who tries to tell me how pointless my opinions are, only reaffirms them.




So today, I decided to blog.

People say a lot of things-make you feel real small.

Let me tell you why I think I need to start going to therapy.


Because I want to cut my hair.



I'm not talking a trim. I'm talking ... like... this

or like...

When a girl goes through a bad break up, she cuts her bangs.

They normally look like this.

Which is good. Its like natures way of keeping you from rebounding, because no man will touch you.

Girls get break up bangs because they are sad, defiant and want change. 

But they always just regret it afterwards.

And while I haven't had a bad break up recently , there is very little stopping me from chopping off all my hair right now.

And that doesn't worry me because of the prospect of being hideous. It worries me because something is causing me to be sad,defiant and to want change.

Every once and a while I hit this wall where a big cut enters my mind. I have a whole slew of reasons I recite and the urge is gone

Slew of reasons:

• short hair takes a lot of upkeep, and you wont keep up Britanee.
• you'd have to wear make up to remind people you like that you were born a girl. And you hate make up.
• the feminist jokes would be relentless. 
• when your hair is dirty you throw it in a bun, but with short hair, you'd have to start washing your hair.
• you like boys. 
• people would think you cut your hair because of Miley Cyrus. 
• You don't really have edgy enough clothes to pull it off.
• you have commitment issues and it would take 3 years for your hair to grow back out.

That's about it.

Normally these work, but not this time around.

Which is why I think there is something I'm clearly not addressing in my Psyche.

I aint in it for the minute, I pass up the gimmicks

Wanna hear a funny story?


I was working sale Saturday, and this guy came through my line, as guys often do.
He was probably about 26 (just where I like em) His face was OK, but I liked his style better
He was buying nothing but ties. We started talking about how we both only shop at goodwill and how much consumerism sucks. He informed me he works in retail too. When I asked him where he hesitantly replied "...fascinations..."


I slyly said "My major is sex education, you arent gonna weird me out"

We laughed a bit more and then I gave him his change and he scampered off out the doors.


About 8 minutes later I look up and he is in my line again.

I asked if something had been wrong with the previous transaction. He said "No I just decided I needed one more."


I honestly thought nothing of it as I scanned it and handed him his receipt.

He thanked me and then confidently said "Oh, and this is for you."
With that, he slid me a folded piece of paper, smiled and walked away.


I opened the paper to find his name, his number and a doodle of suspenders and ties.


I instantly thought two things.

1, "Boy number"
2. "He spend a-whole-nother dollar just to give me his number"


I slide it in my back pocket and proceed to tell all of my fellow cashiers and my manager who doesn't believe I have game.


It was some excitement amid my 9 hour shift.


I think nothing of this number.
I have enough on my plate, and I really have no interest in any more friendships that aim to lead to relationships than I already have. So I go about the next day completely normal. Run some errands, do some laundry, catch up on homework.


Tonight I come home and tell Nathan the story.
He asks "So, have you text him!?!?!"


"Heck no, I dont need anymore men in my life!"

"You have to message him, it doesn't get anymore movie than this"

"Rape is real." I said as I shoveled bean dip into my mouth.

Eventually I decided I would text this guy.
So I go into my room looking for my work pants. Im looking for then in their usual spot (aka the floor) I cant find them until suddenly I remember they are in a new pile.


My freshly washed clothes.


"No way." I think to myself.


I check the pockets.


No where to be found.




And Nathan said it couldn't get any more like a movie.

Welcome to the new age

This is my life lately.

Brushing my drying hair at stop lights.
Texting late apology texts while driving the freeway on-ramp
Packed lunches.
Lots of trail mix. Lots.
Being dead tired by 9 pm. Finding my bed by midnight.
Recognizing the coincidence of seeing my immediate family.
Taking showers for the sole purpose of knowing I wont have an opportunity anytime soon.
Realizing seeing anyone who lives outside of the phoenix metropolis is literally not possible.
Having the next week filled before its even Monday.
Doing homework as I walk to class.
Constantly having my work clothes in my car.Or on my body.
Always having to budget my time during a social encounter.
Microwaves.
Smelling shirts before I put them on.
Thinking the interior of my car is the only one who knows the happenings of my life/feelings.
Eating alone. Most of the time.
Exchanges.
Prioritizing.
Saying "no". Lots.
Getting excited I got around to trimming my finger nails.
Hearing older people tell me this isn't even hard yet.


And I'm sure it isn't.










And she still finds time to blog...

I got the eye of the tiger,a fighter.

Its funny, the more educated I become as a "feminist" the more I am actually defending men.


So today I was squirming to get homework done right before the start of the class. I plopped down in some random chair next to thees two girls my age who were casually chatting. I started doing my gender studies homework answering questions about the effects of the media on woman, when I cant help but overhear this girls conversation.

She talks about how hard her life has been in the last year .How she moved out with her boyfriend of 4 months even tho her parents hated him, then 4 months later he kicked her out. She went on to explain when she went back to get her things there were girls all over the apartment who he had obviously been sleeping with. She went on to explain how hard her life was after that. She then said "I hate men. They are all douchebags. Seriously, like I cant stand men."


Ohhhhhh take a breathe Britanee.


Look, I am jaded myself. I have been used before. I have been hurt before.
But let me tell you.
All men are not douche-bags.

You are just a stupid girl with low standards.

(disclaimer:Its not your fault, you were raised in a pretty crummy society who taught you terrible ways to get a man)

For some reason this has been on my mind a lot. I cant stand when girls say "Guys are such jerks, Im done with them"

I keep hearing all thees stories, like "My boyfriend had sex with another girl while I was laying right next to him"


GIRL.
HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVER DATE A MAN CAPABLE OF THAT?
AND HOW DID YOU NOT GET UP AND WALK THE EFFFF OUT.

They tell this story to me like I should feel bad for them...

Its really hard for me to sympathize, because I have really only ever had ONE awful experience with a boy, and I take full responsibility for LETTING him use me. I knew a man who would only meet me after midnight in secret was badddddnews.
I let myself get used.
And honey, it only took ONE time for it to never happen again.


All these girls talk about how terrible there boyfriends were to them.

I have never once had a boyfriend treat me terribly.My past boyfriends have had flaws, for sure, but they never disrespected me or treated me badly. Nor would I ever have let them...

Part of it is me being lucky, and another part of it is I don't surround myself with men who have the potential to mistreat me.
I know there are situations where its out of your control, or when you never saw it coming. But for the most part -Have more respect for yourself and hold to your standards (which hopefully are not as flimsy as you are)


Dont sit there in your pity party, figure out what you could have done differently and LEARN from it.

Girls wonder how they get used, because they are so blind. All yo little friends try tellin you and yo bitch asssss dont listen.

Start listening.

Its okay you got fooled, but its not okay that you didn't learn from it.

Dont make excuses for a man just because he is gorgeous and gives you butterflies.
Dont ignore the red flags.
Dont feel bad for sticking to your standards. Even if it makes him feel bad, or its an uncomfortable situation.
You don't owe him anything.
Dont tell yourself you will defend your self-worth next time, start now.





Because all girls are heartless whores,right?

And all you ever did was wr-e-e-eck me.

So Im very bad at not letting boys pay for me.

I want to get better at it.

A big part of this is making more money so the offer isnt so damn inciting.

Ive never been good at the situation.

Let me tell you, I know what Robin Thicke means when he says he "hates those blurred lines"
I hate when Im hanging out with a boy and he buys me food.


My eye balls get all big and I start calculating whether this is now a date or not, and then I have to try and pick apart whether he has a crush on me or not and then I have to look within my soul and see if I like him back,and then I have to decide weather he would be a good father to our children, and if he would support my decision to NOT have a television in the bedroom,  all for a slice of pizza.


And that all happens in that split second our eyes meet after the waiter sets down the check.

And we both start talking over each other about "Who's got it"

And I never have cash to split my half. Or pay the tip.

Then he pays for me.


And then I make some joke about how I dont owe him sex.


Guys that entire scenario was not made up.


I really said "I don't owe you sex."






So. I have decided Im going to just alleviate all this by asking for a separate check as soon as I place my order. No dispute. No blurred lines. No future nights falling asleep with the TV on.



So last night Im out with a really good friend of mine, who is a male.
We go to Applebees, cuz its half off appetizers, and I order my classic buffalo wings bone in and say "And can we have this on separate checks please?


The waitress goes "Wait, you aren't on a date?!"


http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/188d3y9e88nq2gif/ku-medium.gif


This is the same boy who I was out with the night previous and BECAUSE I WAS WEARING A DRESS. andhewasinasportscoatandtie everyone kept asking if we were on a date. And by everyone, I mean complete strangers. I was so pissed. I just wanted to wear a dress.
Eventually I gave up fighting it and deemed it a date.
He was a great date, tho.




Have you ever stood under a moving train (it was on a bridge) that you ran in heels to catch?

I dont think so


Although, I did have to hold my tounge when the girl taking our orders said "Im all for womans rights but,ITS A DATE, HE HAS TO PAY"




IM GETTING AWAY FROM THE POINT.

So Im already annoyed that a female cant be out with a male without it being a date.

This ho waitress says "Wait, you aren't on a date?"


This poor boy looks at me and I turn to the waitress and say

"No, well, we used to date, and then we broke up. This is actually our first time hanging out since the break-up.Its kinda uncomfortable"

DUMB THING!
What was her motivation to ask that.


Possible outcomes:

• YES: "Its our first date and its incredibly awkward."
• NO: "I really have no feelings for this boy,even tho he wishes I did."

Seriously, what was a good outcome for her?

"Yeah we are on a date but I have this problem where I pay for meals with my vagina instead of my own money.So Im trying to cut back on it..."

She instantly freezes, feeling so awful.

Which is what I intended.

Of course Im with the nicest boy ever, and he and I reassure her that's not the case and we were just joking.

She then hated us for the rest of the night.

BUT SHE DIDN'T HATE MY NOT-DATES BEST FRIEND WHO WAS LITERALLY THE APPLEBEE'S CELEBRITY.

thats a story I dont even have the finger strength to type. 

I literally spent DAYS coming up with how to handle that situation. And that dumb piece of garbage just throws it all away.

THE WHOLE POINT OF ME SPLITTING THE CHECK WAS SO WE NEVER HAD TO DEFINE IF IT WAS A DATE.

ugh,such rage.

she was awful.

Make a big noise.

Today in Human sexuality we watched the Documentary Lets Talk About Sex


I know I'm a documentary pusher. I know I throw them your way. But honestly. This documentary is a direct reflection of my opinion on the connotation of sex here in the states.


I'd strongly suggest you watch the documentary before you read this blog post.

I can not convey strongly enough how much every single person in the united states NEEDS to watch this.



The documentary talks a lot about how for such a sexual culture (ads, tv, etc) that we are so sexually uneducated. Sexually Uneducated in the sense that sex or sexuality is frightening. We use scare tactics with our children. We teach them "Just wait until your married" even though WE didnt. We find condoms in our children's room and think confiscating them will fix the problem.


Parents are only using the tools they were given. Tools from parents who were just as uncomfortable and awkward as they are.


Guys. Its not working.

Thinking your kid is NOT included in the outrageous statistics of kids who loose their virginity before 18 is a serious danger.


Parents think these statics of teen sex and teen pregnancy and teen abortion come from another demographic, another part town ,another religion.

No, its your daughter.

Its your daughter who goes to church every Sunday  and signed a virginity pledge who lost her virginity at a party to someone she had just met.


And its your daughter who is too scarred out of her mind to talk to you.
So she is talking to her 16 year old best friend, who knows at little as she does.


And Im not going to stop talking about it because it makes you uncomfortable or it makes you question my promiscuity or it makes your 13 year old daughter ask questions.


Why is it so hard for a parent to talk to their child about sex?

Because society says it is.

Because we are all told its awkward.

Which is why it is.




Because we've all been told ITS BAD and ITS DANGEROUS and ITS SPECIAL and DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT and if you do think about it GO TAKE A SHOWER AND PRAY THAT YOU CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT


I have a friend who said "If my mom wouldn't have taken the time to talk about sex,even when its awkward, all I would know about sex is what I see on TV"


Do you want your kids learning about sex from TV SHOWS?!?!!?


You know how most kids find out about sex?

Google.

They google their questions.

Because mom and dad think if they don't talk about it, kids wont have questions.


And its not media marketing or the way your classmates dress that make you want to have sex.
Its the fact you are a human.


Parents think if they keep their kids away from all of that it wont be an issue.


Children don't develop their reproductive systems by watching TV or hearing the word SEX.

I refuse to conform with american society in saying  this subject is too taboo to talk about. Because its not.


YES its special
YES it comes with unimaginable responsibility and consequences
YES there is potential for danger



Your kids are having Sex.
Do they know about pre-ejaculate?
Do they know that 80% of  sexually active people have HPV?
Do they have the confidence to ask if their partner has been tested?
Do they feel too ashamed to buy condoms?


Does your daughter have the confidence to say no?



Everyone told me "Dont loose your virginity before your married, like I did, you'll regret it.Trust me"
"Just stop sleeping over at his house. Dont have sex"


No one told me why Id regret it. No one told me anything but not to do it.

So when I did DECIDE do it, I was completely unprepared.
We thought if we didnt buy condoms, we wouldnt have sex.
So we had unprotected sex, because when the time came....neither of us had one.
And I had no idea that pre-ejaculate existed.
I was an 18 year old mormon girl.
Where was I going to get a condom?
Behind the locked cage at Safeway?
And then I told my young dumbass friends, who told me I was going to get pregnant if I didnt go take Plan B.

So then I drove my self to CVS and sheepishly asked the pharmacist for it.
I payed the 60 dollars which almost cleared out my checking account
I skipped my English 101 class and sat at my boyfriends dinner table with a sandwhich and a glass of water starring at the pill with tears in my eyes.
I took the two pills and threw the container away in someone else's trash can, so none of his family would see it.


I went home and slept. and slept. and bled. and cried. a lot.

I cried because I was terrified.
Because I had no idea what was happening in my body, or if Id just killed a baby.
I cried because I knew I wasnt going to marry this person.
I cried because I had just ruined my worth.
I cried because I had no one to talk to.


I cried because 60 dollars is a lot of money.

The next day I told my mom.
I had told her we had unprotected sex and that I'd taken Plan B and was afraid of the hormones Id put in my body.
My mother soothed the myths from my mind and reassured me she loved me. She offered suggestions of how to practice safe sex.
She told me not to tell my dad.

Who was quick to figure it out.

I have always been ridiculously grateful for the relationship that created with my mother.
I confided in her many more times about sex and birth control and relationships.
I had someone to answer any questions I chose to ask.
I didnt have to sneak around to find birth control
I didnt have to lie and say I was sleeping at my best girlfriends house.




She never once judged me or told me Id regret it.


We were past the point of prevention. It was time for upkeep.



Months before, I casually brought up that things were getting pretty serious with myself and this boy. And if I was to have sex with him if she would want to know.
She answered me "That is none of my business. But if you feel comfortable telling me, Id like to know"

So I did.
I upheld my end of the deal,and she with hers.



Why did I do all of this.
Because sex isnt something to take lightly.
I was making grown up decisions which undoubtedly came with their grown up consequences.
I wasn't like my friends who were hiding their birth control and saying they were sleeping at my house.

Out of a class of 30 people , I was one of 3 to tell my parents about my first sexual encounter.
Kids dont talk to their parents about sex. I was the exception. Not the rule.

And I still am.

Stop teaching your kids its bad. Stop teaching your kids not to ask questions. Stop teaching your kids to be ashamed of their body parts.


Because 18 years of opinion doesn't go away in one night just because a ring is on your finger.


And if you are someone reading this with questions, I genuinely hope you find the courage to a) stand behind your calculated decisions and b) find someone safe to confide in.

And if you cant find anyone safe, you are MORE than welcome to confide in me.

There's a limit to your love

Today a man came through my line with a tiny pink tricycle.


He said "Its not for him" gesturing to his tiny son.


I had over heard his mother say while pushing him around in it "We are getting it, and I don't care that's its pink, he likes it"



As the man  handed it to me to scan, I replied "Im a sociology major. This doesn't weird me out."




 How heart breaking this total stranger felt the need to defend his purchase for his infant son to me.

There's no denying the mess that I got us in

Did you know people at work think I'm ugly?


The other day this Regular comes in and asked me if I was Mormon.

I replied "I am not, but I was raised Mormon. How did you know?"


"Because the way you do your hair. And your fingernails. And your dirty shoes."

I don't put much effort in at work.


And by much I mean none.


I never wear my hair down, and I probably use about 1 cent of make up on my face....


I hate painting my nails.
I do probably about 3 times a year.


I never use nail polish remover either.

So they get all chippy and yes, ghetto.


I also wear these hideous generic shock running shoes.

but they are like a bassinet for my feet.



So sum it up.
I look like garbage at work because Im there to work, not impress men. or women.


I get that.


But what I didnt know is that people  honestly think I'm ugly all the time.

Like Ill off-handledly mention how some guy hit on me last night, or that I went up and got some guys number somewhere...


And they think I'm telling a joke.


Like "Oh Britanee. She's funny, at least."



Today I put on lip stain and wore my hair down.
And removed my chipped nail polish.

the same regular came in and said "Are you wearing make up?"

"No" I said as I handed him back his receipt


He saw my now clean nails and smirked.


He said "You look good. A man should tell a woman when she looks good."

I said "I look good all the time, Fernando."

"No you dont."



My customers in line laughed, and so did I.


Its such a time warp.

I get treated the same way I did in high school.

And by that I mean I get looked over.



I want to realistically convey, it doesn't bother me.

I just think its really funny.

Dont get me wrong when I say, I am confident enough in myself to know how aesthetically pleasing I have the potential to be.


Its funny because all the boys at Goodwill treat me like an amateur and try to give me advice.

After relentless high school pick up lines I snapped to one of them:
"You wouldn't even know what to do with me. You've never met a female like me. Ever. So stop trying. You got all these girls around here eatin out of the palm of your hand. They are children. Dont for a second think you've got me."


I continued to ridicule him about his hickies. And that shut him up.





I feel like an undercover spy or something.































"You were there."

When nothing else fits,pick up the pieces and move on PART 2

TODAY WAS SO AWESOME I HAVE TO DO A PART 2.

I will skip over philosophy of sex, cuz it was kinda boring.
The teacher said "I don't know why I teach this class, Im so easily embarrassed"
Oh honey.....

But I did meet a fellow feminist. Shes so awesome.
Im sure shes gave a woman some love....




HUMAN SEXUALITY WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE.


So you know how every teacher has you go around and answer your name, your major and your favorite color?

Mona Scott (my human sexuality teacher) writes all that on the board and then says "Oh yeah, and put down a fun sexual fact of your own and also what turns you on. And then your favorite color"

I blurt out, "Isnt that covered in Turn-Ons?"


Im already the class favorite.

She starts talking about masturbation within the first 7 minutes.

Today I learned a man should ejaculate apx. 20 times per month to reduce risk of prostate cancer ans well as increase the ability to maintain an erection as he ages.


Some boy pipes in "Im gonna be so healthy."


I now know what BDSM stands for and what each word means.

This girl asked me "So you are into some BDSM?"
I turned to my instructor and said "Acronyms, what do they mean?"

I know who is a virgin and who is not.

I learned a loooooot of peoples safe words.

My class knows more about me than most of my past boyfriends....


We were asked why we took the class
My answer was:
"I am working towards a bachelor in Family and Human development, with emphases in Sex Education. I could honestly talk about sex all day and its pretty hard to embarrass me."


But let me tell you, admitting to a class of 30 what turns you on is jarring even for me.

Especially cuz i like some weird stuff.
And I wasn't gonna lie to my new friends...



I think what was even weirder is that I couldnt keep up. People would say things and I was like....."That exists?"
Clearly I have A LOT to learn about all things sexy.

As Mona went over the syllabus she said "My end goal is for you to all be as comfortable talking about sex as Britanee is."

Dawwwwwwwwww

The teacher is so incredible. I instantly loved her. I went up to her after class and said "You are so fun". And she said "YOU'RE so fun"
I already know she is going to be like my life mentor. She handles sex in SUCH a comfortable and educated way.

About 4 minutes into the class I thought "I want to teach this class when I grow up. This is a career? I could teach this? My future is gonna be so awesome"


Also there is such a thing as a sexologist?

Sign me up!
I dont even know what it is. But I know my prefixes and suffixes.

IM IN!

It was AWESOME.



Then I went to my gender studies class.

ALSO AWESOME.

There is an assignment to just go watch people in public and see how genders act.
There is another assignment to do something steryotyped to the opposite gender all day long and record the reactions you receive
There is a whole discussion on why men pay on dates.
There is an assignment to define feminism and ask those around you what it means as well.


You guys.
I love it.
Im so excited.
He talked a ton about the media's role in gender stereotypes and I was just like "You are my professor soul mate."
In my head....


I CAN NOT WAIT.



I have never felt like I am MORE where I need to be than I do at this time.


Although, I REALLLY miss Professor Hottie.
mmmmmm




Side note: Today at work I saw a older male customer looking at the jewelry, I went behind the counter and asked "Is there anything you'd like to see" in respect to the Jewelry which is behind glass.
He goes "Yeah." Looks me up and down and finishes with "You in a bikini."

He just happened to catch me on a day full of talking about the objectification of woman...


I honestly just stood there and looked at him thinking "What in the hell prompted you to ever say that to me." I starred at him with my brows furled, genuinely dumb founded that it is acceptable in our society for a stranger to think he could say that to me...

He continued "JUST KIDDING. Lemme see that necklace"




Im gonna be unstoppable by the end of this semester.

When nothing else fits, pick up the pieces and move on

So, I only blog while listening to music.
I am currently in the MCC library on my hour break between classes. Im....working very hard not to sing or dance.


Im failing.


Im also laughing at my own jokes...
So.


The first day of school always terrifies me. I have no idea why. Especially now that Taylor isnt here.
I walked into the hallway of my first class and it was such a movie moment of everyone looking me up and down.

Curse you midriff revealing shirt....



Also, I cant wait till people start dropping out so I can find a damn parking spot.

Here are my classes:

Introduction to Sociology
The systematic study of social behavior and human groups, particularly the influence of culture, socialization, social structure, stratification, social institutions, differentiation by region, race, ethnicity, sex/gender, age, class, and socio/cultural change upon people's attitudes and behaviors

Philosophy of Sexuality
Philosophical examination of sexuality in human life. Historical and critical survey of philosophical and theological views. Comparison and evaluation of contemporary theories about the nature of sexual desire and sexual acts. Implications of theories for contemporary moral problems.

Human Sexuality
Examination of the physical, social, cultural, and institutional contributions to human sexuality. Examination of facts and myths, literature, and changing mores regarding human sexuality to acquire knowledge about cultural and social events and processes. Explores the sexuality of males and females in contemporary society. Prerequisites: Student must be 18 years or older.

Gender and Society
A sociological analysis of the way culture shapes and defines the positions and roles of both men and women in society. Major emphasis on social conditions which may lead to a broadening of gender roles and a reduction of gender role stereotypes and the implications of these changes.

ARENT THOSE CLASSES SO ME?

Im so excited.

And petrified of failure.

Im juggling a crazy school work and social schedule.

Im very conscious of not over committing myself....and Im pretty close to doing so.

My sociology class requires 20 hours of service learning.

Lord be with me.
Like imma start that THIS WEEK.

I never even did a summer recap blog. 

 I wanted to write this lovely blog about how much I grew as a human and the struggle yada yada

Girl, I aint got the time.

Summer Recap:There was lots of pointless drama and I was very busy and I had lots of fun and was vigilant of self growth.

There. Saved us all a good 7 minutes of reading.

Awww, I had some good stories to tell tho......

Free time is a thing of the past.

Im gonna hafta time manage the hell out of this semester.

SO much packing my lunch.

I start school at 9 am till 3pm and then go straight to work till 9:30

I ASKED FOR THIS LIFE. 

I wish we still used shells.

Whats with all thees do-rags in this place?

Oh, I spotted someone just like me.

GET IT BOY. GET IT HEADPHONE BOY.

Look at him giggle.

We dancin.

I love the first day of school.Everyone dresses like they arent trying too hard. All the classes are dead silent and the teachers always say "...you all are so quiet". There is always the one REALLLLY old person who talks too much and the teacher has to awkwardly cut them off to move along.Everyone clings to their phone because that is where there friends live.

I havent started my sexy classes yet. Im sure people wont be shy in those classes. 

In case you cant tell, I have been watching SO MUCH BLACK TELEVISION.

Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta.

Yes mannnnmmm.

I only have science and math after this semester....

Math is probably the only thing in the entire world I fear I can not do.

Seriously I wake up and Im like....."ehhhhhhhhhh math....."

icandoiticandoiticandoit

I wish I would have worked harder in high school. I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time my first 2 years in community college. I wish I had time managed better in the last year.

But in a year from now, I am determined to be proud of what I look back on.

Its really my only option.

I have to go to class now. Bye. 

I got that summertime,summertime sadness

When my sister died in 2005 we moved all of her things into a spare room in our house.I remember seeing a trunk of hers. As a 13 year old that trunk intrigued  me. I remember when I first saw it, I opened it and found nothing but notebooks and envelopes which immediately lost my interest. Over time the trunk got lost. I've since wondered where it ended up, but could never find it.


For anyone who hasn't seen Taylors room. Its monstrous. Huge. No surprise that thing got lost in there. If you keep up with Taylors Facebook, you are well aware he cleaned out a closet to create a recording booth.

Tonight he asked if I would help him clean out the remains of the closet that are now strewn about his bedroom floor. I peaked in his room and saw the trunk.


I opened it and saw so many things. I saw the clock my mother got her for Christmas forever ago. The present she wanted most on her wish list. I remember my mom wrapped batteries for it. Kristy opened the batteries first and quickly came to the realization they were for the clock. I remember my mom acting brainless and making up some story for what the batteries were for.

Little did I know I would not realize my moms brainless imitation potential until I grew up.


I always wanted that clock.

I saw a tiny porcelain doll in a delicate floral print fabric lined box. The one I always begged Kristy to give to me with no success.


All of these things Id wanted her to let me have were now sitting in front of me.


I then moved on to the piles of papers. I was looking for pictures, or even letters from myself to her.

I found the opposite, though.

Lots of letters addressed to me. Ones I had never seen before.


My sister spent a few years apart from the family, and she had written the letters during that time.


They talked a lot about how much she missed me, or how she wished she could see me grow up, or just general encouragement towards me.

Things she meant in relevance to that time, but are increasingly more relevant now.

More than missing her, I usually just wonder what she would think of who I've become. There are times I wish I could ask her advice, or times I know she would understand and defend me when no one else would.


She also had multiple journals, which I read.

I never realized how incredibly similar we are.
I was literally reading journal entries of hers while she was my age now.


She spoke exactly like me, her thought process was exactly like mine.

I learned a lot of new things about her. Not like secrets, just traits I never recognized at my young age.

She mentioned me in them a lot. During which I would have been about 8 or 9.
I always knew I was special to her, but I didn't really know just how much until I read those journal entries.




One of the oddest things about someone dying is that over time you start to forget things about them. Its both the worst and best aftermath.



This trunk was a brick wall of a reminder.


We always had a way of communicating. And I guess we still do.

You can rely on the old mans money, You can save money but it wont get you too far

We are gonna take a break from really deep inspirational blogs about how profound I think my mentality is.



This blog is all about weird things that happen to me while at Goodwill.




I'm positive I rang up a herd of polygamists.
100% Positive.

I watched enough Big Love to know a polygamist when I see one.


Well, 3.

Im only counting the ones who looked old enough to share a husband.
I set the cut off  pretty low....
There were a ton of babies.

But, I mean......that only means they are succeeding at their goal.
Or whatever.


What if polygamy turns into the same status as Homosexuals?

Like in 50 years this blog will be total bigotry.
Already is.


I wish them all the happiness.








Also, today I was carrying a Baseball bat I had found in the clothing section. When you have to take something back to its particular spot its called a "go-back"

I studied for this stuff.


So Im carrying my go-back bat and I walk past a register my friend was ringing up a customer on.
The customer sees me in her peripherals and visibly jumps and shouts "OH! You scared me so badly, I thought you were my husband." She was genuinely shaken . She didn't even do that self conscious laugh you do when you realize you were scared for no reason.



I wanted to give her the number for a woman's shelter.


It was the oddest combination of things.

So many reasons none of that made sense.

I could only conclude her husband often sneaks up on her with baseball bats.




Moving right down the list....


OH.
There was that awesome story of the man who asked me on a date.
The 70 something year old man.


I was ringing up other customers and this guy was sitting in a chair behind me just talking to me.
I was trying to ask a customer questions necessary to complete the check out process and hes just piped in
"You are gonna live a long life. Im sure you dont know this,but you are going to heaven."

I shot back "Oh I know."
I hate when people a) make any kind of assumption about my relationship with a higher power and b) preach to me as if their knowledge makes them superior to me and they are going to save my soul.

Dont ever deliver me a note from Jesus. Him and I talk face to face.


And also, like what assumptions was he making about my life?

Like:"Look at that sad girl working at goodwill. She has made so many mistakes and worries she is going to hell"

Fool. You have never met a 20 year old like me.....

He tells me "You are a good person. Your gonna live a long life. No really Im a psychic with these things."


I laughed and told him Im probably gonna die on the drive home.

I dont know if I blocked this out or if it was really just so blunt it had no smooth transition....

Imagine just being under water and hearing someone address you from above the water. It was that kind of sound and by the time I surfaced all I heard was "I want to meet you at the bar on Mcklintock and the 101 {those streets dont intersect, noob} . Its a fantastic place, the food is delectable.You know, the casino? I will buy you all the food and drink you want. Anything you'd like."

I looked at him in a way that is going to effect my skin when Im older. I cant even tell you where my left eyebrow went...


He honestly lifted his hand to his mouth and said pantomimed drinking and said "Drinks." as if I didn't comprehend. "Your old enough to drink right?"


"SHUCKS. Im not. But thanks for the invite."

All of this as Im trying to ring up this guy who is totally suppressing laughter.





He ends with
"Can, I just tell you, you are beautiful"


I had  been thinking a lot about this compliment prior to this particular occurrence.

I really don't understand it.

What about telling a stranger she is  beautiful is impressive or impactful.
I think to people who don't know their worth, maybe it makes a difference to them.


*DOUCHEBAG ALLERT*

Telling me Im beautiful is like telling me the sun is out while we are both on the same park bench.
And then expecting me to be flattered by your blunt bravery...



Honestly. Im not trying to be cocky...the compliment just makes no sense to me.
I like to hear it every once and a while from my significant other. Maybe on the rare days I need some reassurance, but other than that.....


What is my response supposed to be?

"Thank you"



FOR WHAT?

You didnt make me pretty.

A lucky strand of DNA and some self help tips caused me to appear like this.
Not your compliment.


And I said I was gonna avoid some deep feminism.....



SO I had been thinking  what I would say next time someone complimented me on my looks.

I had decided I would say "Thank you for saying so" or "I appreciate you saying so."


This M-EFFER makes me say "Well, thank you."

Just to shut him up.


The next person who calls me beautiful is gonna get it!


I was so pissed.



YOU JUST LOST ANY CHANCE OF ME MEETING YOU AT THE FREEWAY BAR CASINO.



Maybe next time some stranger calls me beautiful I will just say "And?"


Think about that compliment.

It sucks.



Once a boy said "congratulations on your face" as he shook my hand.

Perfect.


What was I talking about.....


Oh yeah, weird customers at the GWs.


Today, I was cleaning below my counter when this girl abruptly shouts "Hey" towards me.

The same girl who had very rudely told me she refused to donate her 3 cents change because it wouldn't benefit her.


She turned out to be joking.,which she informed me of as I was setting the 3 cents in here hand. Which was actually even more inconvenient (Which would make sense if you knew the cash donation process. Her flop in decisions just made me have to repeat several steps and waste a ton of paper....)


So. She shouts "Hey"


I jump up, customer service face (huge smile) ready and say "How can I help you" dreading interacting again with this lady.


She goes "Well you are just too excited about life." annoyed.

I said "Its only because I'm young. I'm sure I'll lose it soon"
...just like you wench.


She goes "No. Keep it. Do you know Jesus?"


Here we go again with the Jesus thing....


I reply "I sure do"

She quacks, "Then you will be fine."

This video is relevant.

Facebook is selling me.
Look at this!

"Hey man, she likes music and reading and shes single. Click add"
Why is that what shows up!


The books I read?









Thats all.
Im so sleepy.







Ps
This song is good.
A lot



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KaAY7bewd8







andthis

"Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex.

We cannot fight for love as men may do.

We should be wooed and were not made to woo."

im so back to normal.

Lets put this to bed without crawling in your bed

My goodness.
So much frustration.
I can only blame myself for the fact I didnt get around to this earlier.

Since I switched from naturopathy to ....... educating woman (we'll get into that) I have needed to see an adviser to not only inform me of what classes to take, but also point me in the direction of a specific major.

I went to Red Mountain campus hoping the lines would be shorter after hearing horror stories of Dobson campus in which people have been waiting 5 hours to see an adviser.

I walked to the counter where the receptionist sat and informed her I needed to see an adviser.
She took my student information down and then asked me "What is your major?"

I laughed, and murmured "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
and then said "Can you just type in u-h-h-h-h?"

She looked at me plainly, not in the least amused and said..."So General Studies."


"Perfect." I replied, knowing it really didnt matter.

The whole reason I was there was to be TOLD which MAJOR my aspirations would cleanly fit into.



When I met my adviser, well- after she had finished clearly disapproving of the length of my shorts, I told her
"I want to go into sex education for high school girls, but not just the anatomical point of view, more the emotional and mental effects. I want to do preventative education by way of building confidence and communication skills in teenage girls.I'd also like to participate in rehabilitation for sexually abused teens, but I dont really want to go into the psychology aspect, I'd like to avoid becoming a counselor"

She looked at me blankly and said..."I dont even know what that falls under"




She then informed me I have an $80 hold on my account.


Awesome.....so about my future.....



"You could go into counseling" she said flatly.


No, see Im trying to help them before they get completely messed up...


She then walked me to Debbie's desk. Debbie was much friendlier.

I told Debbie the same shpeal but cracked a few more jokes about periods, which were moderately well received.


She said I could become a high school counselor or a nurse.


yeah....noooooooooo


I was starting to get really frustrated, because I don't want to take classes that aren't going to funnel me into what I want to do specifically.


She kept saying, "So you want to do health education."

No. Sex education.
SEX.
You can say it,its not a bad word....
Has anyone ever told you what it is?

I was getting so angry. Why was this so hard. There genuinely is not a SEX EDUCATION program anywhere. Nothing that was plainly close to it.
NO WONDER ALL OF YOUR KIDS ARE GETTING STDS AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES.
Im sure if Debbie and I worked harder we could have found something.
She pulled up lots of degrees which would educate people on changing there eating habits or education on cancer...



She was so nice, but...so far off.

Thats when I started to realize, what I really want to do doesn't exist.

A safe informative place for teenage girls.
And Planned Parenthood doesnt count.


I took her print out on ASU's program for Health Promotion, which seemed to fit the best (even tho it seems to lean towards nutrition *eye roll*)



I was so frustrated. Like fighting back tears frustrated. This is what I want to do, why cant it be easy.


Thats when I realized how much this really meant to me.

I dont want to do something in the neighborhood of what I actually want to do.
I want to do EXACTLY what I aspire to do, even if it means I have to create it myself.
Even if I have to start my own organization similar to Big Brother Big Sister that deals only with sex education for both parents and teens and schools.

I want to educate parents on how repressing sexuality in their off spring can lead to some serious obstacles later in life.
I want to teach parents how to talk to their kids about sex at a young age and handle it when their kids grow up and dont listen to them.
I want to arm teenage girls with the confidence,communication skills and education it takes to get out of high school alive.
I want to completely free the constraints media has put on woman that they themselves believe.


Even if I have to build it from the ground up and work really hard.
I want to change the entire connotation of  "Sexual Education"
I want Sex to no longer be a bad word.





Im gonna dig a little deeper and talk with some non-profits and sex educators just to see what programs are already out there and how I can get involved.


So. I thought today would clear things up, but it apparently did the opposite.






Classes start in about two weeks...wonder what Im gonna take?