But if you close your eyes

Remember when I had that obsession with mashed potatoes? For about a week I truthfully ate at least 1 serving of mashed potatoes a day.


Its now become filibertos rice and beans. Like what? I aint mad.


Lets get into the thick of it. This blog has the potential to be one of the most eventful in a while, but due to its heaviness, I can even post all the crazy stuff. Cuz ya know, my blog isn't private....






I dont think I have ever had such an unpredictable couple of days like this....in longer than I can remember.

Friday I dropped my parents off at the airport to go visit my sister in Bosie, and then to go to a funeral in Salt Lake City.

I had no idea that was the start of such an impact-full weekend.


Saturday
I went to my second families house to watch a Documentary I had started a long time ago but never gotten to finish.

(I linked it, its kinda the coolest thing ever. All about how the media's depiction of woman genuinely affects the course of our future in a horrible way)

You can say that is when my life changed.

It made me a total feminist.

I should say it made me realize I was ALREADY a feminist.



That night, with  the help of a friend I realized I seriously want to look into devoting my future to woman's rights , sex education and the general development of the female youth.



Im gonna keep that part short and sweet, because I could go in depth about how much and what that means to me, but, I don't need to explain it. Im content at leaving it at that.


You should know, I haven't felt like myself in probably 10 months . In most recent months I have had small glimmers, but nothing to get too excited about.


Seriously. Sunday morning I woke up exactly the person I want to be.

Well, not really, I actually woke up really grumpy.

I was confronted with a conversation that needed to happen.The most important thing for you to know about this conversation is that it made me feel strong. While it was hard and ugly, it made me feel independent and in control of my own future. It reminded me of how I used to be.

I wanted to distract myself from the conversation so I decided I needed to go be productive. A Goodwill near my house is hiring and so I decided to drop off a resume , ya know the whole shpeal.


GIVEN THAT GOODWILL IS MY DREAM JOB.


I was given an interview on the spot, and scheduled for a second interview this week.

Well that's only the thing I want most.

A job.

And not only that, a job at Goodwill.

Then I went to my troupes improv show and felt really solid about my performance and my conduct surrounding the show.

SIDE NOTE: I TOTALLY GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE (on accident) but I started bleeding and my TEETH hurt and my skull felt broken and my right eye was tingly.


BUT I FELT LIKE THE MOST BAD ASS.

Scratch that off the bucket list.


That night also has a lot of other instances of me taking care of my business in a way I was proud of.
And also in ways that left me thinking.

Lets just say, this summer is sure to be quite the adventure.

Okay,so looking back at what I've written, it doesnt seem so exciting, but trust me, it seriously is. I finally feel like I'm back on track.

Sunday was a nuts 24 hours. Such clarity. Made me feel like the person I want to be. I was so thankful for all aspects of my life. Especially my family. I remember walking to a friends apartment and thinking " I need to call my parents and tell them how much I appreciate all they do"

I remember that moment very clearly and I remember it being completely random.

I didnt make the call.


Today I went about my day, still with a crazy positive attitude.



I did really mundane things. I was out with my brother when he got a phone call and I saw concern slowly bleed into his face.


This happens every once and a while for various reasons, so I wasn't worried. I was mostly just excited to find out the juicy gossip.

It was my mom. Who is in Salt Lake City with my Dad and my sister for the aforementioned funeral. I was told by Taylor something was  happening with my dad and he was at the hospital. Oddly enough I was too worried. Maybe because Taylor wasnt worried. Maybe because I never heard the fear in my moms voice. I went about my night figuring there was nothing I could do from here, and trying to stay optimistic.


During rehearsal I realized I had a missed call. I slipped out and returned the call to my mom. She of course, was asking me if id run some errand for her, and if that was important.

With frustration,I  told her Id taken care of that hours ago, and it wasn't something I cared about at the moment. I asked to find out what was going on.


Naturally I was to ask what was going on, but the real motivation behind the question was the stress I heard in my mothers voice.


She tiredly answered "Dad was having chest pains and was unable to support himself this afternoon. We called an ambulance. It wasn't a heart attack. They admitted him overnight for observation because they cant get his heart beat to slow down, and he has an unexplainable fever they cant get to go away."


Thats all I remember from the conversation. I dont remember how I ended up ending the phone call.

The next thing I remember is sitting in rehearsal and thinking

"The last time you saw your dad could be the last time you ever see him. You cant even go say goodbye if the time came, because he's in salt lake, and you couldn't get there in time"


I remember a thousand thoughts at once about how I wasn't there to help my mom , or how she only has the clothes she packed, or how she wont be eating home made meals,or how my dad is the only person who can calm her down , or how none of the men from my dads ward are there to give him a blessing, or how many people I know who have suddenly died from heart complications recently,or imagining my dad getting into an ambulance and my mother trying to stay OK,or the horrors stories I have heard of people getting a text during a show that their father just died ,but the the worst one was how there was literally not a thing I could do.


Somewhere during one of these thousand thoughts I had started crying. In rehearsal.


Im not a cryer.


Especially not a public cryer.

I did the best I could to calm down.

I had lots of reasons I needed to.

Taylor saw me crying and of course became terrified.
I needed to calm down to reassure I hadnt just gotten a phone call that our father had died.

I need to stop crying because I had a scene coming up very soon.


I needed to stop crying because people were beginning to notice.




I pulled it together and finished the rehearsal. And came home and ate.

And called my sister and made sure she was taking care of my mom.


And blogged.


So now I feel better.


Sort of.




I really wasnt wrong when I said this summer would be an adventure.

The entire Adele soundtrack

Being fresh out of a break up is like being an old woman. Im grumpy.I get to sleep as much as I want. And I get to say whatever the hell I want. I haven't tried cutting grocery lines yet, but give it time.

Its like you're my mirror

My life has been pretty eventful lately.

Two weeks ago I auditioned for Little Shop of Horrors at MCC. I wanted a do-wop girl.
Ya know, the black sassy girls who strut around stage.

I started feeling sick the day before my audition,and by audition time, I had lost a good amount of my range.

I got a callback for a do-wop girl, which was especially exciting because this production is with a director I've never worked with,so I felt like it was the first callback I really earned. But at the same time,harmonies terrify me,and that is all the do-wop girls do.

About two days before call backs, I literally start loosing my voice. While scratchy voices are sexy,they are not the best for belting.I was terrified to even talk. Side note: Singers keep ThroatCoat in business.


Anyway,by callbacks I had no voice. I told myself "Just show off your personality, they already know you can sing",


But I was so discouraged that I just gave an all around awful call back.

In the end, I was offered featured ensemble.


Which I have no accepted yet due to the fact I interviewed for the most bomb office job.


It is an office assistant position for a sales company.Most of their business comes from the east coast, so the afternoons get pretty dead (due to the 3 hour time difference). The boss told me "When it gets slow, you can just watch netflix or do homework." then he showed me the break room and said "You would be in charge of orders,so if theres anything you want, just order it. "

uhm,


I get netflix AND snacks.

And the pay is pretty.


He told me he would get back to me by Friday or Monday (May 6th).

Monday rolled around and I hadnt heard from him. Sean Ryan told me to do a follow up call and just see if a decision had been made. I told him I didnt think that was necessary, figuring it had already been determined and I just hadnt gotten the job. I called my dad and asked what he thought and my dad replied "Life gets busy.Call and follow-up,Say he hasnt made his decision,and you are the only applicant who does a follow up  call. That could be what gets you the job" I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly called. It went to voicemail and I left a message and thought nothing of it.

Tuesday I got a text message from the boss saying they had not made a dession,but I was still in consideration.


BOOM.



My dad is a smart person.
And I guess my boyfriend too...


Also, I have been watching 3 boys (10,6,1) for 3 days.


The baby. is perfect.
All he does is eat ,watch movies and sleep.
So, him and I get along great. He is basically a mini college kid.


I feel like the real deal. I drive them to extra-curricular activities,pack their lunch,do dishes. Im practically a single mom. Complete with the longing sense to be loved as well as the most fierce independence and protectiveness of my little babies.


Yesterday,we went out and came back and the main door was locked,which I had not done.
I got so protective.Imagine me busting in the house with zero fear, the only thought I had was to  protect my boys.

The mystery was never solved.




Yesterday I found out I am only 16-20 credits from an associates. Dang! I just have 2 bio classes,1 humanities class,and then math.

Oh math.

You wont treat me as bad as you did in high school. I'm a whole new woman.

The adviser set me up with classes for naturopathy,instead of dietetics, which is kind of the coolest thing ever. Actually being on that path is so exciting. Then he called me pre-med. And I felt like the most bad a b.


So. the current plan is- if i get the job,to take the job and either juggle the show,or online classes for summer semester.

If no job- take bio all summer and do the show.


Either way,its gonna be one eventful summer.

Do it right now.

The greatest realization I have had is that I have no idea of my own potential.

We've been talking bout Jackson ever since the fire went out

The worst part of my parents being an a diet is that my dad no longer has hidden chocolate that I can sneak in and eat.


Today I went to Mountain View to get transcripts so I can take hard classes in college.

For those of you who dont know, Mountain view is a fortress. Sneaking onto that campus is impossible.We are talking men with secret service ear pieces and air surveillance.


However, this time, I had the perfect alibi.

I walked right into the office did what I needed to do, and then snuck out the back and went to visit the man I would give my unwanted baby to, Todd (a teacher).


I hurried in (still scared of getting caught) and asked the clump of students sitting at the aide desk (a desk I spent much time at during my final years in high school) where Todd was

"I dunno"
they answered dumbly.


"How do you not know?" Some aides.


"BAT CAVE" I shouted and scuried to the tiny room Todd sometimes occupied for video stuff for the school.


He was busy talking to some authority ,so I quickly ducked out of the room and returned to the sucky aides.


"Who do you aide for?" The kid asked me


"Everyone" I said bluntly, keeping my eyes out for security.


"No I mean this hour"

"Mr. Ross"


"Oh"


"No. not really, I graduated like 5 years ago and I snuck on campus and im trying not to get caught, so just act natural"


"You think you're hardcore?"


"Im sorry?"


"Your voice."


"Im sick"



Todd walked out and the kid said "Hey , Todd, is she in college?"


Todd, covering for me , not knowing Id already spilled the beans replied "No she goes here. Shes a junior."


The kids all chattered about how I was a liar and Todd had given away my lie.

The boy said "She thinks shes hard core.First she wouldn't tell me who she aided for, and then she tried to tell me she is in college"


Yeah , whatever kid.



Then I went to the pharmacy and begrudgingly picked up a z-pack for my throat.


The pharmasist informed me to take the pills on an empty stomach.


"Man, that sucks, I love eating, my stomach is never empty"



he said "oh you dont look like it, as skinny as you are"



Im not gonna pretend I wasnt flattered.

However, I realised , people think im one of them. THe girl who can eat whatever she wants and has no idea what its like to be concerned with weight gain.


However I do want to shed light on the fact I eat like a maniac.
Im so attracted to myself.
I love when I eat large amounts and people are surprised.
I love food. And girls who don't are just a waste of your money.


The other night after my Improv show we went to Red Robin and I knew I wanted dessert. Thats all I cared about during the deciding process of after show food. Somewhere with dessert.

We went to red robin and I got this

Its really giant.


And apparently no one else wanted any,


I ate a pretty big potion.

I was so tired and sick and no one else was eating it.
So I kicked off my shoes, laid down in the bench and peaked up at the cake and said "Its just you and me, big boy" as I nudged it with my spoon.

I love food.

I want some right now but i just took my antibiotics.
Also known as THE DEVIL.

ughhhh.


Now im fighting the urge to go asleep.

If Im not eating, whats the point of being awake?

When I don't care, I can play em like a Ken doll.

I really have no sympathy for girls who get played by guys.

You teach people how to treat you.
And you clearly taught them wrong.



Its no one else's responsibility to ensure you are getting the respect you deserve.





And thinking you are ugly without make-up is so unattractive.

Out here , Its like Im someone else. Thought that maybe I could find myself

Today in my world religions class I started crying during discussion because of how overwhelmingly simple religion is.

The evil of the world is the animosity between religions.

Its so hard for me to understand how people who follow the teaching of the most loving being can be so ugly towards others.

My teacher asked if there could ever be unity between all of the christian denominations ( asking if their will ever be ONE TRUE religion).

I answered that Christs plan was that there shouldn't be, and Lucifer's plan is that there should be. 

I feel like the most fundamental value of all religions is being completely overlooked.

Love one another.

Period.