We teach girls to shrink themselves,to make themselves smaller.

I sit stewing, waiting for my computer to open my only outlet that calms me on days like this. Ironically the only page that will load is lds.org , mocking me, the sickest joke I can think of.
The home page proudly presents a picture of a young, blonde white girl quoted to exclaim "I get my courage from him"

The universe will only let me look at one of the main things I blame for my socialization to be weak, to succumb to what I'm taught, to refrain from questioning authority.
 The very institution that told me to be quiet always, but especially in disagreement with doctrine.
 However, if the holy spirt didn't remind me enough , Some while male authority figure would.

The page that represents every reason my parents are disappointed in me. 

The place that first and foremost loudly remind me "stay in your place", as if i don't hear it enough in every single interaction I have daily.

An unquestionable justification for the oppression of others.




Thankfully, the God I believed in stepped in, and loaded gmail.

My head physically hurts from how tightly I am clenching my jaw.

Sociology majors often speak of "the wall"

"Sooner or later you will hit a wall, seeing how little you can do. You will be discouraged, its important to work around that" Jamie Bellem tells me as we sit drinking overpriced milkshakes in a Ma and Pa shop.


While I have hit many fences in the past, today I hit a wall.
 I don't feel helpless, as he warned, I do feel exhausted. Infinitely exhausted.


It all started with my Women in Religion class.

The teacher asked if we believe social, political and economic equality has been reached between the sexes.

The girl next to me answers "It depends where you are. Cuz I don't think its been reached in other parts of the world, but in America, yes it has."

The class audibly erupted in laughter as I made the most disgusted-disagreeing face.

Nails digging into the bottom of my chair I remembered everything I've learned about socialization, how we are all part of a system that is duping us into believing we are the best country in the world, but more than anything, I remembered the only way you are heard , as a woman anyway, is by being rational.

So I went with the most rational thing there is - money.

You want someone to get on board with your idea, always start with money.


I began with the easiest to see, economic inequality. I continued to explain a woman makes 77 cents to every dollar a male makes.


The heterosexual white son of a politician, a fellow student, raises his hand , thinking that is the only  requirements for an acceptable time to speak.

Interrupting me he spouts "The article you are citing is incorrect. its actually information from the 70's"


Furious I retort "Oh you know the exact article Im citing? Please tell me its tittle"


He continues, unphased "I've actually conducted the research myself"


"I'm sure that is academically sound, I will have no hesitation believing its accuracy" I QUIETLY say.

The teacher jumps in , quick to pick up that Im not like other girls and this could get out of hand quickly.

"Bring your data and we will compare the two." my female professor compromises.


The fellow student  finds me after class and haughtily announces  "Woman make a dollar and three cents to every male's dollar"

"Yeah we will see about that" I say


Today in class he brings a 50 page article suggesting the pay gap is only 4-7 percent, but after other variables such as health care, there is no pay gap.

And here is where things happened in slow motion in my smaller brain.

"OK." I said smiling


Want to know why?

Because the article this q-tip male was holding in front of me does not change anything about the fact there is not social, political and economic equality between genders. Even if it was sound, which it wasn't. This white heterosexual male holding his newest model laptop up to my face in his own micro victory was not going to help anyone who is oppressed.


Because what the fuck is the point in arguing with this nobody? I chose to stay quiet, because my words would make no difference.

We were then asked if we identified as feminists. Many people didnt raise their hands, I felt the need to explain feminist often has a negative connotation , but there are many different kinds.
I was speaking to the fact there are 5 main types of feminism: socialist, cultural, eco, radical and liberal.
The teacher asked me to explain each and while on one of the definitions the same fellow student from the previous altercation blurts out "Actually, that pertains more to eco feminism, you're incorrect."

For the rest of my life, I will regret not shouting
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF SOCIAL INEQUALITY, LOUISE, WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IT IS ACCEPTABLE NOT ONLY THAT YOU INTERPRETED ME WHILE I WAS SPEAKING, BUT THAT YOU THEN CORRECTED ME. I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO STAY QUIET, YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO INTERRUPT.

This might not seem like a big deal, but when you break it down, this is everything I fight against.


He felt he knew better than what I was saying. He felt entitled to the time and space my definition was currently taking. He felt entitled to correcting me.
My words have so little value, he may speak over them.
He did so much more than speak while I was speaking.

And he didn't do this to be malicious or to be a asshole, he did it because that is what males are allowed to do. Because we have been socialized to let males speak to how much they know best, and we have been socialized not to question them.

Even I let him speak over me. Even I saw it as standard.

In my race class, Mona Scott was citing that those who get the most attention in a classroom are statistically white heterosexual males.

Instantly 2 white heterosexual males raise their hands in disagreement.

One very respectful, nice white male says "I don't want what I say in this class to simply be disregarded because of my race and gender"

Mona eloquently replies "That is the beauty of privilege, you never had what you say disregarded based on your race and gender. In this society, white men can say anything. Even if its unfounded"



Thats when I made this connection.
I hear all this crazy ass shit my brother or father or male classmates say and think "Why are they saying this. I would never say that out loud. I would never feel the need to"

Many women in my Women and Religion class reported there being no need for Feminism, because they have not been personally effected by gender inequality.
I guess they have never kept track of how many men interrupt them.


I am exhausted of trying to enlighten people to just how oppressed they are. All of these woman who think just because they did the dishes and mowed the lawn that they are equal. Men and woman who think, since they can not see oppression at a micro level (i.e. in their family) there is none at a macro level. Im exhausted with inequality being so engraved that we cant even see it.I'm exhausted with arguing about the biological differences in men and woman being the reason my job is to be a mother while his job is to be whatever he sets his big ol' mind to.
But most of all, I am exhausted with white males interrupting me.