Old as I get I could never forget it at all

Its been about 6 years since I've been to Canada. 

I finally renewed my passport, hopped on a plane then into car with my parents with the intent to center myself before my life gets flipped upside down next month.

Below is a visual compilation of everything that reminds me of my roots.

Day one was 14 hours in a car.

"He thought he was going to prevent his own death by working. He sure gave it a good try."

The house my grandfather built, and my mother grew up in.

My mother grew up mowing the grounds she would one day bury her daughter in

"Make a list of everything you want in a spouse. And be that list."

The field my grandfather would take me on walks to, and the consequential hills I rolled down with my siblings.

Hudson Reunion

The same tire swing my sister would push me on.

Suddenly Im hit

"5 months." I  reply without thinking. 

Just the other day it was 8.

"No, its like 3." she responds.

"Its always 5."

Its becoming increasingly difficult to be two places at once. 

Math 150, and a handful of people keep my mind from drifting 200 miles south.

That and the fact my mind has no where to live once it gets there. 

Mouths move to form words quicker than I can catch up with as I resurface from my racing, panicked thoughts.

Orange and blue fade quicker and quicker to gold, organization consuming my executions. Foreign to me.

Foreign to everyone.

Familiar faces look at me unfamiliarly. Something I notice hours later when I've gotten around to remembering. 

The list of people I'm neglecting longer than the list of my accomplishments

longer than my obligations, responsibilities or tasks.

Maybe its because I'm crossing those off one by one or maybe its because I don't care about them in comparison to faces I haven't seen in literal years. Faces that share my features. Faces I would recognize anywhere, even tho they've changed. Even tho their curly hair now grows straight and they correctly pronounce words, even the hard ones.  

I tell myself two years will go by fast.

 and the two years after that.

And then...a job with no promise of being near familiar faces.

"5 months" I reply. "I leave in 5 months" 

I just need to clear my mind now, its been racin' since the summer time

There is this theory that has surfaced, paraphrased below

"Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest."

As most things in our society, its much more complex than that.

Even still, a mixture of education and experiences have lead me to never using "I have a boyfriend" as an out when being hit on.


Because my boyfriend is in fact not the reason I wont take down your number.


Its because you told me you were too heterosexual to wear Nike high tops, and then waited for me to laugh.

Its because when describing your outfit, you used the word "wife beater".

When you told me to hit you up because you were only in town for two days, it wasn't my boyfriend holding me back.

My boyfriend had nothing to do with you forgetting my name.

And when you offered to take me to End Game and buy my drinks, it wasn't my boyfriend stopping me.
And my boyfriend didn't come to mind when I answered "Hard pass" dryly to your next suggestion of buying me lunch.

See because its not that I don't like Barcades, or drinks, or food even.
 I love food. Deeply.


Its because I have no interest in getting to know you.
And you are in no way entitled to chances as I am in no way obligated to give them.

Then leave without warning, so take me home

Something about this semester is very different.
As I walk the torn sidewalks, the school has changed almost as much as I have.
At eleven, two and in between I see reflections of myself four years ago.
Lost eyes pulled together in apprehensive discomfort, gleaning with confusion.
Eyes that don't know where to begin.
I walk slow, appreciating my remaining time while simultaneously comforting the pairs of eyes one by one.
Eyes that meet mine frustrated, scared and overwhelmed, and depart relieved, hopeful.


I don't have to look back four years to remember my own eyes mirroring theirs.
They are the same eyes that looked up at red brick buildings built in 1885.
They show the same confusion and fear, masked by excitement.
The same eyes that lead shaky hands to open the acceptance letter.
The same eyes that absorb every second of the people I love.
The places I love.


At the end of the day, I walk the path to my car slowly.
Telling myself someday those red brick buildings will be just as familiar.
Telling myself, there I will meet someone with the same helpful, friendly eyes.

Why you gotta be so rude?

Thoughts I just have to vocalize for now.


At this point in my life, I would be truly offended if someone asked my father if they could marry me. Truly.


The other day I was in math and I was like "I should go on a diet soon..."then I was like "Wait no I have actually important shit to do"
I had the same thought while looking at hair tutorials. hashtag objective hair out of my face hashtag top knot


It kills me when I post a status about female empowerment, gender roles, or domestic abuse and only females like it.



I love when people say "mankind"or "thats so gay"and then look at me and mockingly apologize to me and correct themselves, as if making a joke of my beliefs.
Keep teasing me about how inclusively and consciously I speak by speaking inclusively and consciously- I want you to.


The other day I realized "man" is  the base of "human".
Eff it.*rolls eyes and tosses hands up gingerly.*


Ive stopped giving power to the fact I will be viewed, perceived and treated differently because Im a woman and just started doing, saying, and reacting however I want to. Hashtag im too agressive Hashtag im too cocky hashtag im unapologetic.




Thats it.

So show me why you're strong-ignore everybody else.

Upon becoming an empty nester, my mother has started actively using her facebook, a first for her.

She signs her comments with her name.


My brother left for his mission about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

People are excited for him, so they often ask me about it. How he is doing, what I think of it...etc

I'm never as happy to talk about it as I feel they expected.


In fact for the first week I couldn't even talk about it without tearing up and consequently abruptly changing the subject.

My first email was nothing but jokes about how Im sure my life is more interesting than his.


My brother hugged me goodbye tight. My face in his shoulders, I could only hear the tears in his voice as he said "Ïm going to miss you so much, Im so proud of you, just keep doing what your doing, Im so proud of you - know that."

My response was a monotone "love you, bye"

I walked away fast.

because as anyone who I've broken up with knows, I'm not good with emotions I don't like and Im even worse with goodbyes.


My brother was inactive before I was. We became best friends once I attended college with him, and at the same time, became inactive myself.
We were each others allys when family came into town and aggressively "invited" us to church. Allys when we sat through cult-like ceremonies of children in all white.... him and I turning to each other with wide eyes and terrified eyebrows.

People around me have either forgotten or never knew how close Taylor and I were, not understanding my silence that glistens with anger.

As Taylor began ASU and I began devout feminism both distance and believes slowly lulled us from one another. My resentment and his admiration for the church growing at the same pace.

I cried when Taylor left, but I think I cried most when I found out he was leaving.

To me he's already been gone a long time.



Thats all Im really ready to say at this point.

And they're goin to better places, but our friends will be gone away

This semester has been without a doubt my favorite semester of all time. 

I moved out of my parents house. I live with a houseful of positive, encouraging and loving women. My room is cute.
I absolutely love where I live and who I live with.

I gave my first comprehensive sex education presentation. Multiple times.
Its crazy to think how far I've come in less than a year. I was grassrooting female sexual entitlement with efforts to avoid heternomativity? Last summer I wrote this blog, and look how far I've come since then.

After the presentation I was completely overcome with gratitude to those who encouraged me and supported me throughout the process. It was honestly so exhausting and I could not have done it without my support team and those who picked up my slack. Namely Mona ,Pixi, Nathan B., Sunny,my little sister Sarah and especially T for all the conversations in which she talked me down from my fears and insecurities involving the project and my ability level.
Thanks to the outrageous success of the shirt, this presentation had such high expectations, and I'm so grateful for everyone who contributed to my emotional, physical and academic ability to pull it off. It seriously was a team effort.



I ran for Student Body President and lost to the most deserving incredible candidate. Martin is already doing impressive things for the college community, and I can think of no one better fit for the position.

I was offered the position of Executive Director of the Events Programming Council, which I think of as home. I accepted , and consequently agreed to one more year at MCC. I will be filling some pretty big shoes.

     

                                                             






This was my first semester ever taking math or science courses, something I had put off because I felt incapable of doing well in those courses. I finished the semester with straight A's. Making my first ever A in math.









I have always known the kind of person I want to be, and this semester, I made real strides in achieving that.

I am completely blown away at the amazing opportunities I was given. More so, I was and am so deeply grateful for the amazing humans I met along the way. I was lucky enough to surround myself with people who genuinely shaped me into the best person I have ever been. These people made me value my experiences with MCC so much more than they will ever know.

This school year is a hard one to say goodbye to with so many of my close friends who have been so integral to my positive experiences headed off to university.
Next year has a lot to surpass,but I plan on it.