Speak until the dust settles in the same specific place.

What has our little girl become?
Too loud, too shocking, wont play dumb
Constantly reminding us of things we refuse to mention
Cant understand why she wants all this attention
We know she just does it just to see jaws drop
Forget that she might want oppression to stop.

She cant take a joke, cant just laugh along
We can never say the right thing, all we spew is wrong
Shouldn't have let her go off and get an education
Open her mind to her past's manipulation
Shouldn't have let her realize world is slowly drowning
Instead, we should focus on the only thing we know,our surroundings.

And everyone around is starting to learn more
She is proving them right, they know shes a whore
"This is not who we raised you to be
Be ladylike, you're embarrassing me. "
I know I lost my virginity before marriage too,
but my kid wont, she will know the religion  is true.
You are the face of something we can only resent
Don't want to hear premarital sex is at 91 percent.

Hope its just a phase or we lost her
Doesn't fit the mold? Just toss her.
Don't take a second glance to realize her worth
Shes got too many injustices she wants to unearth
She wont stay quiet even at thanksgiving
How could she not love the life shes living?
Never had to work for anything shes was given
Its not because the color of her skin its because shes driven
Well if shes not, her parents sure are
Easy loans on the house and the car
But that's because her dad worked hard, and his dad did too
Only white people work hard, its been proven true.




I'm too exhausted to change minds, and too enlightened to stay silent
You're telling me this is just the way it is, I don't buy it.
Slowly suffocated by the ignorance
Everyday its getting harder to live like this
A house divided and someone has got to be wrong for the other to be right
But remember,only men may initiate the fight
"Britanee, stay quiet you know he has a temper,
Please just wash the dish", as if that's what I'm meant for.
"but this isn't an example of inequality"
I'm mopping the floors while hes watching cable TV
Women around me tell me they like it, "He has his job and I have mine"
"I like taking care of him, Britanee, its fine"
Trouble is being nurturing seems to equate to being inferior
Handed my "job" as soon as a doctor could decipher my exterior




Its too close to home to keep our voices down
Forget all considerations, make it personal now
Breath through the pounding in your chest
Cant see your point of view, wont give it a rest.
We both speak of things the other can not see
You speak of a God, and I speak of inequality.

She keeps me warm.

Would I date me if I was a boy?


He would be physically attractive.
He would be smooth.
He would know exactly what to say to make that thing happen where your heart speeds up and it feels like sunrays are filling your lungs, to produce the kind of smile you feel in your ears before it creeps across your face.

He'd know reminding you you don't have a chance with him only makes you want him more.
You'd swear to your friends  he is different than everyone thinks he is.
You would ignore the stream of broken hearts trailing behind him.
You would think you are different.


He would take me on the most thoughtful, creative dates.
He'd give me heartfelt gifts.
Sometimes he'd care what Im talking about, but he also gets bored easily.


He would live with his parents.
He would preach he doesn't have a job because he hates corporations, but he would also admit its because his parents white privilege supports him while he goes to school which they pay for.
He would state bold opinions (that people would unquestioningly listen to).

He would be open about his sexuality
He'd say sex is subjective, and just because penile vaginal intercourse took place doesn't mean he had sex.
He would say sex without a condom indeed feels better.
He would say his number doesn't define him, and is consequently none of your business.
He would say everyone should feel free to masturbate.
He would be hoping for sex almost every time you spent the night. Sometimes, he would get frustrated with you for not giving it to him.


His career aspirations are guaranteed to bring in just enough money, if that.
He disrespects his mother.
And he drives a 96 Saturn hatchback with peeling interior.
He wouldn't take me to expensive restaurants, not often anyway. He would take me to farmers markets, though. Then we would cook a meal together. And both do the dishes.



He would flirt with other girls because it makes him feel in control. And to him, it doesn't really mean anything.


Would I date the boy version of myself?

He seems like he has some great characteristics. He sounds like a good friend, but not really long term material. He doesn't make enough money, nor will he ever, he doesn't have enough current motivation, and he kind of sounds like a tool in the bedroom.



Why are my aspirations empowering, but his are not?

.

I want a dog.
I want a haircut.
I want a job that terrifies me.
I want adventure.


I like who I am.
I like my ability to be friendly
I like my ability to be mean
I like that I self reflect.


I like that I make mistakes
I like that I apologize.
I like that I learn
I like that I have become wise.


I like things that scare me.
I like opportunities to grow.
I like being firm in my opinions
I like developing  new ones.


I like choices.

We teach girls to shrink themselves,to make themselves smaller.

I sit stewing, waiting for my computer to open my only outlet that calms me on days like this. Ironically the only page that will load is lds.org , mocking me, the sickest joke I can think of.
The home page proudly presents a picture of a young, blonde white girl quoted to exclaim "I get my courage from him"

The universe will only let me look at one of the main things I blame for my socialization to be weak, to succumb to what I'm taught, to refrain from questioning authority.
 The very institution that told me to be quiet always, but especially in disagreement with doctrine.
 However, if the holy spirt didn't remind me enough , Some while male authority figure would.

The page that represents every reason my parents are disappointed in me. 

The place that first and foremost loudly remind me "stay in your place", as if i don't hear it enough in every single interaction I have daily.

An unquestionable justification for the oppression of others.




Thankfully, the God I believed in stepped in, and loaded gmail.

My head physically hurts from how tightly I am clenching my jaw.

Sociology majors often speak of "the wall"

"Sooner or later you will hit a wall, seeing how little you can do. You will be discouraged, its important to work around that" Jamie Bellem tells me as we sit drinking overpriced milkshakes in a Ma and Pa shop.


While I have hit many fences in the past, today I hit a wall.
 I don't feel helpless, as he warned, I do feel exhausted. Infinitely exhausted.


It all started with my Women in Religion class.

The teacher asked if we believe social, political and economic equality has been reached between the sexes.

The girl next to me answers "It depends where you are. Cuz I don't think its been reached in other parts of the world, but in America, yes it has."

The class audibly erupted in laughter as I made the most disgusted-disagreeing face.

Nails digging into the bottom of my chair I remembered everything I've learned about socialization, how we are all part of a system that is duping us into believing we are the best country in the world, but more than anything, I remembered the only way you are heard , as a woman anyway, is by being rational.

So I went with the most rational thing there is - money.

You want someone to get on board with your idea, always start with money.


I began with the easiest to see, economic inequality. I continued to explain a woman makes 77 cents to every dollar a male makes.


The heterosexual white son of a politician, a fellow student, raises his hand , thinking that is the only  requirements for an acceptable time to speak.

Interrupting me he spouts "The article you are citing is incorrect. its actually information from the 70's"


Furious I retort "Oh you know the exact article Im citing? Please tell me its tittle"


He continues, unphased "I've actually conducted the research myself"


"I'm sure that is academically sound, I will have no hesitation believing its accuracy" I QUIETLY say.

The teacher jumps in , quick to pick up that Im not like other girls and this could get out of hand quickly.

"Bring your data and we will compare the two." my female professor compromises.


The fellow student  finds me after class and haughtily announces  "Woman make a dollar and three cents to every male's dollar"

"Yeah we will see about that" I say


Today in class he brings a 50 page article suggesting the pay gap is only 4-7 percent, but after other variables such as health care, there is no pay gap.

And here is where things happened in slow motion in my smaller brain.

"OK." I said smiling


Want to know why?

Because the article this q-tip male was holding in front of me does not change anything about the fact there is not social, political and economic equality between genders. Even if it was sound, which it wasn't. This white heterosexual male holding his newest model laptop up to my face in his own micro victory was not going to help anyone who is oppressed.


Because what the fuck is the point in arguing with this nobody? I chose to stay quiet, because my words would make no difference.

We were then asked if we identified as feminists. Many people didnt raise their hands, I felt the need to explain feminist often has a negative connotation , but there are many different kinds.
I was speaking to the fact there are 5 main types of feminism: socialist, cultural, eco, radical and liberal.
The teacher asked me to explain each and while on one of the definitions the same fellow student from the previous altercation blurts out "Actually, that pertains more to eco feminism, you're incorrect."

For the rest of my life, I will regret not shouting
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF SOCIAL INEQUALITY, LOUISE, WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IT IS ACCEPTABLE NOT ONLY THAT YOU INTERPRETED ME WHILE I WAS SPEAKING, BUT THAT YOU THEN CORRECTED ME. I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO STAY QUIET, YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO INTERRUPT.

This might not seem like a big deal, but when you break it down, this is everything I fight against.


He felt he knew better than what I was saying. He felt entitled to the time and space my definition was currently taking. He felt entitled to correcting me.
My words have so little value, he may speak over them.
He did so much more than speak while I was speaking.

And he didn't do this to be malicious or to be a asshole, he did it because that is what males are allowed to do. Because we have been socialized to let males speak to how much they know best, and we have been socialized not to question them.

Even I let him speak over me. Even I saw it as standard.

In my race class, Mona Scott was citing that those who get the most attention in a classroom are statistically white heterosexual males.

Instantly 2 white heterosexual males raise their hands in disagreement.

One very respectful, nice white male says "I don't want what I say in this class to simply be disregarded because of my race and gender"

Mona eloquently replies "That is the beauty of privilege, you never had what you say disregarded based on your race and gender. In this society, white men can say anything. Even if its unfounded"



Thats when I made this connection.
I hear all this crazy ass shit my brother or father or male classmates say and think "Why are they saying this. I would never say that out loud. I would never feel the need to"

Many women in my Women and Religion class reported there being no need for Feminism, because they have not been personally effected by gender inequality.
I guess they have never kept track of how many men interrupt them.


I am exhausted of trying to enlighten people to just how oppressed they are. All of these woman who think just because they did the dishes and mowed the lawn that they are equal. Men and woman who think, since they can not see oppression at a micro level (i.e. in their family) there is none at a macro level. Im exhausted with inequality being so engraved that we cant even see it.I'm exhausted with arguing about the biological differences in men and woman being the reason my job is to be a mother while his job is to be whatever he sets his big ol' mind to.
But most of all, I am exhausted with white males interrupting me.

We're so much more than pointless fixtures

The other day I had a friend message me and tell me a story about a 4 year old girl who started sobbing while in her one piece swim suit complaining that she was too fat.

While my friend was shocked that body image issues could start so young, I was not.

He asked my opinions of where these thoughts could be coming from, since he knew no one in the family was telling her she was fat and its not like shes getting bullied at school,since she isnt even old enough to go yet.

I explained that no one has to tell her shes fat.

My hypothesis was that she probably sees her mom look in the mirror while standing sideways, sucking in and out, with a disproving look on her face.
Or hears her mom say she feel fat today.
Or hears her dad joke about how fat that girl walking down the street was.
Or see's how little the characters on My Little Pony eat to stay in shape.



I know plenty about the socialization of our thoughts, how many of our opinions were formed for us, and how you don't have to recognize social forces for them to have power over you.
But I never figured this one out till now.

I have plenty of friends with body confidence issues. They constantly ask me how I have so much confidence in my body, and if I can teach them.
I have always felt confidence is not something you can teach.
I really couldn't figure out where mine came from exactly.

Beyonce, mostly.

While pondering the situation of the 4 year old who thinks shes too fat, here are some things I came up with to prevent more girls from having to feel the same way.

Stop talking about how fat you are, or how fat you feel.

 It invites those around you to criticize themselves as well.
As well as just makes everyone around you uncomfortable and forces them to prop you up.
I know we all have our fat days, that's the human in us, but really, no one wants to hear it...
There is a difference between venting to a close friend and screaming it from the rooftops.

Talk positively about your body in public. 

And not in an objectifying way.
For me this would be vocalizing my love for my thick thighs and appreciating my slender upper body or checking myself out in mirrors I pass.
 Be an example that allows those around you to see its OK to love your body.
No more jokes about my sweet ass being consolation for my tiny boobs.

 This one can be tricky, because where is the line between body confidence and objectification? While I could write an entire post about that , in short I will say : Its subjective, find yours! Isn't that cool that you get to form your own opinion? 

More importantly ,

 Talk positively about your non-physical attributes. 

Speak more value into your personalty traits. Stop telling girls they are pretty or beautiful or gorgeous. Stop teaching them their worth is in their outer appearance. Remind those around you of the beautiful qualities that are innately within them.

Examine your media. 

What is it teaching you how you should look? About how your significant other should look?
Stop supporting media that harshly critiques woman and men.
Make an attempt to become more aware of how unrealistic glorified bodies are.
Even Beyonce wears Spanx.
You really think she has that hip-to-waist ratio? Not a chance.


forgive me my sins Queen Bey

We all get so heartbroken or frustrated when someone close to us expresses being discouraged with their bodies. We cant see how this stunning, curvaceous woman could feel fat and unattractive while every guy in the room is drooling over her. Or how this adorable girl feels too ugly to go to school. We fail to recognize the part we take in it.  Maybe she learned it from me, last weekend when I joked that the squeaking of my chair as I sat down  gave me an eating disorder.



I realized the way to teach confidence is to be an example of it. 

Don't tell you daughters they don't need makeup and then refuse to leave the house without it.

Don't tell your little sister shes beautiful, and then joke about how you would never do some girl unless she had a bag over her head.

Stop telling your scrawny best friend he's perfect the way he is, and then licking your lips at the shirtless ripped man who just happened to run past.

Seriously? Its January sir, wear a shirt.


Body Issues are prevalent, deeply engraved,and show no gender bias. They are more complicated than I let on.
 But I think they could definitely get a bit better if we think critically and assume our own responsibility in their perpetuation. Because you never know what little girl is looking to you to model how she should feel about herself.

Stop reassuring those around you when they complain of how fat they are. Stop tolerating negative body comments from those around you.
The other night my little sisters and I made a pact to eliminate negative body talk in front of each other. And when we slip up, we tactfully and kindly remind each other of the aforementioned pact.
You don't have to stop the party and start preaching, but you can definitely raise some awareness.

Your body is amazing. Its how you are alive as you read this. Its what gets you every where you need to go. Stop bullying it.

The masturbation shirt.

I'm a big fan of scholarships.
Every semester I apply for an Honors scholarship in which you create a contract with any chosen teacher to do some kind of extra project.

Of course, I chose human sexuality.
I approached my professor about the project.

Now normally, most professors have a cookie cutter honors assignment: do an extra paper.

Of course, the gem that is Mona Scott replied "What do you want to do?"


I spent a couple days thinking of Ideas.

I got the idea to make a shirt that read "NOT A VIRGIN"
I wanted to do something that would force people to confront a human who symbolized something society refuses to accept: premarital sex.
I wanted to punch society in the face and remind everyone that this ideal we hold people to rarely exists.

I really liked this idea. It showed I had no shame about the fact I had premarital sex. It showed I don't succumb the shame society hypocritically emits.


Mona respectfully listed to my idea and then politely responded "Its not shocking enough. You're saying something everyone knows, and just chooses to ignore. What is something that would make people STOP and talk to you?"


I thought of what was more shameful than premarital sex for a female.

I instantly thought of Porn.

People are constantly asking me my opinion of porn as someone who has literally studied it.
I have had a few requests to write blogs about what I think of porn, and I responded that I didn't feel comfortable doing so.

Why don't I feel comfortable talking about porn?
I claim to be completely comfortable in my sexuality.
So why was I so afraid to make a shirt that proclaimed I watch Porn.


Because porn and masturbation go hand and hand.

Because it wouldn't take long for people to infer that since I watch porn, I masturbate.

Which side note: I totally do both....

I realized that is what no one talks about.
That is what society ignores in women.

Woman can Vote.
Woman can have Careers.
Woman can have Nannies.

But woman STILL can not masturbate.

Disagree as much as you'd like to.(Actually, try not to, because I will get seriously crazy on you)
But the years of feeling like a monster prove my point.

Growing up Mormon, I was taught , like most people are, that masturbating was bad.


I did not then and do not now understand why.

I've always been pretty hard to shame, so it didn't take me very long to inform close girlfriends that I masturbated.
And you want to know what?
Every single girl I told, in turn told me that she did too.
Girls would honestly say "I thought I was some kind of monster! I thought I was the only one, that something was wrong with me!"

Growing up we are all, boys and girls, told not to masturbate (seriously, can someone tell me why?).
We are all told its bad.
But girls especially know not to do it.
Only boys do that.
And if you WANT to be doing that- Something is wrong with you.
Stay lady like, cross your legs, and get ready for a life of having a sudden headache anytime your husband is in bed next to you.

Even at 17 I was furious that the girls around me were made to feel ashamed of this.

I really cant explain how bad this socialization makes girls feel about themselves.
I can honestly say it was the most deprecating feeling in the world.
You feel trapped.
You feel disgusting to others.
You feel like something is wrong with you, like you were wired wrong.

You honestly feel like something that limps out of dark corners to search for food in a trash can and then scurries away when it hears a noise.

And its not because masturbation is bad.
Its because ever single person and word you are faced with makes you think so.
And for what reason?
Please tell me what is worth making a person feel that bad about.

Also, I just really hate that men get all the blame put on them. Its pretty unfair.


I chose to make a shirt that read "I MASTURBATE"
Because it terrified me.
I chose to wear that shirt because it was the scariest thing I could imagine doing. And that is exactly why I had to do it.

People see it and think I'm some rebellious hooligan with a paintbrush and access to cheap white shirts.
When in reality I was enacting a practice called ethnomethodology.
The process of social disruption - breaking a social norm


The social norm being broken was not acknowledging that humans masturbate, it was that this really pretty, funny, lovable girl - masturbates. A lot.

People might think I just chose to wear this shirt to get attention.

What people don't know is that I read 10 peer-reviewed articles on ethnomethodology, gender expectations of sexuality, and socialization of masturbation and then did an annotated bibliography.

I didn't just make some shirt.
I dove into why this gender norm exists, the harm it creates, and the benefits society could reap if it was broken.

I saw articles that statistically proved that masturbation can lead to increased body confidence (if you can ever get past feeling guilty for it) , it can decrease STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and adultery.
I read articles reinforcing that masturbation is a male tendency, so women were simply exempt from consideration within the article

So I made the shirt.





And in the end, the reason I wore this shirt was for all of the girls who feel like monsters to see they don't have to.




I wore the shirt to prove I am not ashamed of the fact I masturbate.






So this morning I walked onto campus at 8:25 a.m.  literally shaking with fear.

Fear of what people would think.
Fear of what people would say.
Fear.


I sat at a table doing homework in an area with little foot traffic.


At 8:40 I felt someone hovering behind me.

15 minutes. It took 15 minutes.

I breathed deep as I recognized my first confrontation was about to take place.

I turned, brightly smiling "Hello!"

"Hello..." responded the 50ish year old woman clearly uncomfortable.

"So may I ask you about your shirt?"

"Please do"

"Why are you wearing it?"

"Its a process called ethnomethodology. Its essentially social disruption."

"I see. Well, multiple students have come to me complaining about your shirt."

"Oh really? What have they said about it"

"Well, they are very offended. They don't know if its some kind of prank, or if you have something to prove, they don't know why a WOMAN would be wearing this shirt"


Thank God for that comment, or I may have taken the shirt off out of terror.
A small smirk crept across my face  as I was reminded of every reason I was doing this.


"That's actually the reason I'm wearing  the shirt, to hear what people think of it. What do you suggest I do?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you suggest I take it off, do you suggest I continue wearing it? What do you suggest?"


"Well, you should take into consideration that it is offending people."

"I'll be sure to do that."


Now she was awkwardly lingering.
Following her socialization to dislike anything that was not defined. My refusal to vocalize whether the shirt would remain on  or not fell within her disdain for the undefined.

"Its interesting..." she said halfheartedly.

"Have a great day" I cooed as I turned back to my school work.

I whispered "I'm not even gonna make it the whole day before someone forces me to take off this shirt"

I was mortified. I had no idea how I was gonna wear this shirt all day long. I was physically nauseous. I avoided all eye contact as I walked to my next class. After that class I ran on shaky knees to Mona's room to get advice.

As I walked into her room, a boy looked me up and down and said smiling "Nice shirt."
I was too flustered to acknowledge it. I figured I'd met the one person in the world who was on my side.

While I was telling Mona about the disapproving woman, who apparently has an office just for student complaints, one of Mona's students (a girl) shouted "I love your shirt!"
I was shocked.
I spun around....
"Right?" I said

She got out her phone and asked if she could take a picture.

Heck yes you may.

Just then, multiple other students wanted pictures. Everyone was asking me where I got the shirt and why I was wearing it.
There was plenty of chatter, but it was nothing but resounding support and admiration for the courage it was taking to wear it.

I walked out of that room feeling like a million bucks.

It took me 5 times as long to walk to my next class due to everyone stopping me.

I walked through the busiest part of campus on purpose.

Girls were all asking for pictures of the shirt or pictures with me, and if they could add me on some social network.

And from then on, that's how it went.

I got lots of high fives and thumbs ups.


As usual, girls were so happy someone else admitted to masturbating and recognized this weird myth that girls don't have the sexual desire nor the finesse to satisfy themselves.


I didn't notice, but friends who walked with me were astounded at the looks I was getting. They ranged from shocked frozen faces, to THE MOST OBVIOUS AND UNCOMFORTABLE EYE DIVERSIONS EVER.

Some cute guy stopped me with "Can I ask you a question about your shirt"

"You sure can!" I shouted enthusiastically. (I basically owned the place by this point.)

"What does it mean?"

"Oh no, you don't know what masturbation means?!" I said, imitating concern.

I continued "I can explain it to you, I'd be more than happy to."

He laughed like cute boys do and then said "NO, I guess my question is do you really do it?"

"HECK YEAH I DO"

He paused.
Then high fived me.

Unrelated: I WAS FREEZING IN THIS SHIRT. IT WAS ABOUT 50 DEGREES AND I WAS IN A SPORTS BRA AND A COTTON SHORT SLEEVE SHIRT!



So that was the point of the shirt Allyson Van Patten.

There were many.
Like a $350 scholarship, or the complete obliteration of social norms.
But I guess what it boiled down to was proving I'm not ashamed, and to give others a chance to realize they don't have to be either.



Furthermore, the reason I even bother posting it on Facebook was to compare what people had the nerve to say to me in real life as opposed to behind the safety of a computer screen.

Surprisingly, the results have been no different. Good job facebook friends!


This project was hands down the coolest thing I've ever done. I was wildly passionate about the research and would come flying out of the library with crazy insight as to why we are all led to stereotype that men were the only ones doing it and why we as a society are going to continue to do so.


Continue to do so, that is, if no one tries to change things.

Its hard out here for a Bitch

Lately, I've been oddly sensitive to peoples opinion of me.

I think everyone has tendencies to care of others opinions. However, recently its been to a degree that is very unlike me.

There are a lot of reasons for this that I recognize and dislike, but what can ya do.

Last night I was at a party of a super close friend.

She was putting all this effort into the party when she got a text saying that a boy was coming whom she really didn't want there.

So much so she had to leave the room.

She came back in and explained the situation.

We all squawked to just text the friend and tell him not to come.

She explained she didn't want to start drama or appear mean or as some irrational,overreacting female.

I saw something I see in girls (including myself) all the time.

A girl who was going to accept being uncomfortable in her own environment just so someone else wouldn't have to. 

I see it all the time, girls who have been socialized its our responsibility to "take care" or those around us, specifically boys. Don't hurt their feelings, at all costs.

Girls who have been socialized that speaking your mind is nagging or being irrational.

Girls who feel that standing up for themselves is mean, rude  or disrespectful

So my friend did it. 

She text him and told him he wasn't welcome.

I was very impressed with how tactfully she handled the situation

But more so, I was impressed with why she handled the situation.

When talking to me about it she said "I'm not just going to act like nothing ever happened." 

I act like I know how these things work.

Socialization, or relationships in general.

But truth is I dont follow a lot of my own rules.

For some reason, at that moment it all just clicked.

I am no longer going to let others opinions of me cause me to second guess my own opinions. 

I am no longer going to feel I need to act like certain things "never happened" 

I'm going to stand by what I believe and not allow others to make me feel like I need to conform to their ideas. Of religion. Of gender roles. Of manners.

Yes, I say things in the moment that I later regret. A lot. 

Yes I say hypocritical things, a lot.

Yes I say mean, negative, and shocking things, a lot.

 Im still learning who I am and how to interact with these very new, very important and personal opinions Ive formed.

I know Im constantly  contradicting myself.

I think I notice that more than anyone.

And its no ones place to tell me that isn't allowed.

But I will take being  the trigger-happy-opinionated-woman over being the woman-who-just-goes-with-the-flow-brainlessly, every time. 

Every time.

Even when it causes people close to me to get defensive.

Even when it causes me to feel like no one agrees with my point of view.

I feel like people think if they trap me, they can stop me.

"Look Britanee! I just caught you saying something sexist. So you cant be a woman who recognizes gender inequality anymore. Hah!"

You know how many blog posts I start, and then never post because of what I think people will think of them?

Despite popular belief, I don't want to start arguments, or offend people. 

So I keep my opinions quiet in consideration of those who would never return the respect. 

Last night I realized I really like who I am.

I like this new me who cant stand organized religion and the justification it brings to really unchrist like treatment of others. Who cant stay quiet about white privilege. Who has something to say about the perpetuation of stereotypes of the oppressed in every day interactions. Who says things that cause her to be so embarrassed she lays in bed at night thinking about them. Who is still learning the line between assertiveness and bitchiness.Who is so content in her convictions. Who makes others uncomfortable due to her bluntness.

I love every sloppy thing about me. 

Because it is so much better then the neat and tidiness that comes with ignorant apathy.