Its like you're my mirror

My life has been pretty eventful lately.

Two weeks ago I auditioned for Little Shop of Horrors at MCC. I wanted a do-wop girl.
Ya know, the black sassy girls who strut around stage.

I started feeling sick the day before my audition,and by audition time, I had lost a good amount of my range.

I got a callback for a do-wop girl, which was especially exciting because this production is with a director I've never worked with,so I felt like it was the first callback I really earned. But at the same time,harmonies terrify me,and that is all the do-wop girls do.

About two days before call backs, I literally start loosing my voice. While scratchy voices are sexy,they are not the best for belting.I was terrified to even talk. Side note: Singers keep ThroatCoat in business.


Anyway,by callbacks I had no voice. I told myself "Just show off your personality, they already know you can sing",


But I was so discouraged that I just gave an all around awful call back.

In the end, I was offered featured ensemble.


Which I have no accepted yet due to the fact I interviewed for the most bomb office job.


It is an office assistant position for a sales company.Most of their business comes from the east coast, so the afternoons get pretty dead (due to the 3 hour time difference). The boss told me "When it gets slow, you can just watch netflix or do homework." then he showed me the break room and said "You would be in charge of orders,so if theres anything you want, just order it. "

uhm,


I get netflix AND snacks.

And the pay is pretty.


He told me he would get back to me by Friday or Monday (May 6th).

Monday rolled around and I hadnt heard from him. Sean Ryan told me to do a follow up call and just see if a decision had been made. I told him I didnt think that was necessary, figuring it had already been determined and I just hadnt gotten the job. I called my dad and asked what he thought and my dad replied "Life gets busy.Call and follow-up,Say he hasnt made his decision,and you are the only applicant who does a follow up  call. That could be what gets you the job" I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly called. It went to voicemail and I left a message and thought nothing of it.

Tuesday I got a text message from the boss saying they had not made a dession,but I was still in consideration.


BOOM.



My dad is a smart person.
And I guess my boyfriend too...


Also, I have been watching 3 boys (10,6,1) for 3 days.


The baby. is perfect.
All he does is eat ,watch movies and sleep.
So, him and I get along great. He is basically a mini college kid.


I feel like the real deal. I drive them to extra-curricular activities,pack their lunch,do dishes. Im practically a single mom. Complete with the longing sense to be loved as well as the most fierce independence and protectiveness of my little babies.


Yesterday,we went out and came back and the main door was locked,which I had not done.
I got so protective.Imagine me busting in the house with zero fear, the only thought I had was to  protect my boys.

The mystery was never solved.




Yesterday I found out I am only 16-20 credits from an associates. Dang! I just have 2 bio classes,1 humanities class,and then math.

Oh math.

You wont treat me as bad as you did in high school. I'm a whole new woman.

The adviser set me up with classes for naturopathy,instead of dietetics, which is kind of the coolest thing ever. Actually being on that path is so exciting. Then he called me pre-med. And I felt like the most bad a b.


So. the current plan is- if i get the job,to take the job and either juggle the show,or online classes for summer semester.

If no job- take bio all summer and do the show.


Either way,its gonna be one eventful summer.

Do it right now.

The greatest realization I have had is that I have no idea of my own potential.

We've been talking bout Jackson ever since the fire went out

The worst part of my parents being an a diet is that my dad no longer has hidden chocolate that I can sneak in and eat.


Today I went to Mountain View to get transcripts so I can take hard classes in college.

For those of you who dont know, Mountain view is a fortress. Sneaking onto that campus is impossible.We are talking men with secret service ear pieces and air surveillance.


However, this time, I had the perfect alibi.

I walked right into the office did what I needed to do, and then snuck out the back and went to visit the man I would give my unwanted baby to, Todd (a teacher).


I hurried in (still scared of getting caught) and asked the clump of students sitting at the aide desk (a desk I spent much time at during my final years in high school) where Todd was

"I dunno"
they answered dumbly.


"How do you not know?" Some aides.


"BAT CAVE" I shouted and scuried to the tiny room Todd sometimes occupied for video stuff for the school.


He was busy talking to some authority ,so I quickly ducked out of the room and returned to the sucky aides.


"Who do you aide for?" The kid asked me


"Everyone" I said bluntly, keeping my eyes out for security.


"No I mean this hour"

"Mr. Ross"


"Oh"


"No. not really, I graduated like 5 years ago and I snuck on campus and im trying not to get caught, so just act natural"


"You think you're hardcore?"


"Im sorry?"


"Your voice."


"Im sick"



Todd walked out and the kid said "Hey , Todd, is she in college?"


Todd, covering for me , not knowing Id already spilled the beans replied "No she goes here. Shes a junior."


The kids all chattered about how I was a liar and Todd had given away my lie.

The boy said "She thinks shes hard core.First she wouldn't tell me who she aided for, and then she tried to tell me she is in college"


Yeah , whatever kid.



Then I went to the pharmacy and begrudgingly picked up a z-pack for my throat.


The pharmasist informed me to take the pills on an empty stomach.


"Man, that sucks, I love eating, my stomach is never empty"



he said "oh you dont look like it, as skinny as you are"



Im not gonna pretend I wasnt flattered.

However, I realised , people think im one of them. THe girl who can eat whatever she wants and has no idea what its like to be concerned with weight gain.


However I do want to shed light on the fact I eat like a maniac.
Im so attracted to myself.
I love when I eat large amounts and people are surprised.
I love food. And girls who don't are just a waste of your money.


The other night after my Improv show we went to Red Robin and I knew I wanted dessert. Thats all I cared about during the deciding process of after show food. Somewhere with dessert.

We went to red robin and I got this

Its really giant.


And apparently no one else wanted any,


I ate a pretty big potion.

I was so tired and sick and no one else was eating it.
So I kicked off my shoes, laid down in the bench and peaked up at the cake and said "Its just you and me, big boy" as I nudged it with my spoon.

I love food.

I want some right now but i just took my antibiotics.
Also known as THE DEVIL.

ughhhh.


Now im fighting the urge to go asleep.

If Im not eating, whats the point of being awake?

When I don't care, I can play em like a Ken doll.

I really have no sympathy for girls who get played by guys.

You teach people how to treat you.
And you clearly taught them wrong.



Its no one else's responsibility to ensure you are getting the respect you deserve.





And thinking you are ugly without make-up is so unattractive.

Out here , Its like Im someone else. Thought that maybe I could find myself

Today in my world religions class I started crying during discussion because of how overwhelmingly simple religion is.

The evil of the world is the animosity between religions.

Its so hard for me to understand how people who follow the teaching of the most loving being can be so ugly towards others.

My teacher asked if there could ever be unity between all of the christian denominations ( asking if their will ever be ONE TRUE religion).

I answered that Christs plan was that there shouldn't be, and Lucifer's plan is that there should be. 

I feel like the most fundamental value of all religions is being completely overlooked.

Love one another.

Period. 

I feel like Im the worst so I always act like I'm the best

Anyone who has talked to me in the last 5 months knows I am job hunting.

 This is not like a "father-son-weekend-hunting-trip".

I am on a "backpacking-through-freaking-Africa-and-living-off-of-what-I-kill" job hunt. 

I genuinely haven't had time to wash  my interview outfit that's how often Im wearing it. 

Side note I love my interview outfit - Maroon peplum with black high waisted skinny slacks.

Thanks GEE-DUBS.

I dont even get nervous for job interviews anymore. 

I treat them like a day job.

I wake up and Im like "Another day in the office"

My neighbors must think I have a really grown up job with how often Im leaving the house in business clothes.

"Britanee has really established herself!"

Thats the idea....

Today's interview tale.

I sat watching a national geographic story on polar bear attacks as the man next to me (a fellow interviewee) fell asleep and softly snored.

A man who was had just been hired and arrived for training came in and explained to the girl next to me that the position being hired was a phone sales job.

*eye roll*

No thank you.

The receptionist runs over and pipes up "Alright, there are many positions, dont scare them away"

Darn right!

So now I am convinced this is going to be a waste of my time, again.

Finally, my name was called, and I shuffled up the stairs (of this surprisingly fancy place) into a small office with inspirational posters.

My interviewer was a large black man with a friendly smile.

We're talking Michael Clarke Dunkan like.

Now, me telling you this black an had a friendly smile is completely unnecessary.

And I will tell you why.

I THINK ALL BLACK MEN ARE SO FRIENDLY.

I think its a combination of my ghetto booty and my experiences in NYC that have made me more comfortable with black men than white men.

I could be in an abandoned parking lot at 3 am and see a large black man walking toward me and think "Im so glad that man is here, he will protect me from any danger"

If I am in a room full of no one I know, the first people I will talk to are men. 

Preferably large.

Preferably black.

That is the scale by  which I sort my socializing.

Its because they remind me of my brothers.

If someone looks like Taylor, I will instantly feel comfortable talking to him

And....we all know Andrew is Keenan Thompson's white counter part. 

I literally cant watch SNL without missing Andrew.

CONTINUING WITH THE ORIGINAL STORY.

So he asks me what Im looking for and I say something personable and fast paced, preferably hourly wage, not commission.

He begins to tell me about a commission position where I would have the potential to make 1000$ a week.

He then tactfully says "Well, you are very attractive, so .... you would do well."

Lets just talk about how that is the new theme of my job interviews.

I had no idea how much money I could make due to my above average face.....

I dont think Im breath-taking-ly beautiful, but I know how to do my eye make up and brush may hair and you would think any girl could master that....

But let me just tell you the job hunt brings out a lot of ugly girls.

We're talking girls who use charcoal pencils for eye liner and think a banana clip and scrunchies constitute a hairstyle.

Honey......

Im not joking when I say that today is not the first time I have been informed of how much money I have the potential to make due to my aesthetic.

I feel three things when I hear this and Im going to use percentages to describe their dominance.

Degraded 1%

Flattered 48%

Debate Cashing in on my looks while I have them 51%

Does that add up to 100%?

I dont know, but I dont have to know, because I could make a lot of money with how attractive I am.

You can stare at me all you want, but don't ask me to add up numbers....

Im not even going to pretend I dont love hearing it....

At this point im just like " come one....say it....lets not tip toe around it"

Of course the interview goes great because I am comfortable with him and there's lots of laughing and Im trying really hard not to say "OHHHHH CHILD"

He then tells me about an administrative position (WHICH IS WHAT IM LOOKING FOR) with bomb pay.

He asks me how many words per minute I can type and I reply " I dont know the exact number, lets just say in Facebook instant messaging , NO ONE  can keep up with me"

"So....maybe 25-30?"

"No, no, no. Much higher"

"Ohhhhhh girl, Im gonna write 45-55"

"Thats a safe bet"

He liked me lots and told me he would hand it over to the hiring manager for administrative.

It was NOT a waste of time.

SO that is today interview tale.

No porn involved.

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity

Im pretty stinkin overwhelmed so I wanted to post some angsty facebook status but then I remembered thats really stupid.


So im writing a blog instead.


Im getting D's in my classes.


That has never happened in my life.
The worst part is that its not that im slacking, its that the classes are very internet dependent and its causing all theese silly issues.

Whatever.

Guess I gotta sweet talk my way out of it.


Still on the job hunt.
I got another job, but it turned out to be porn, so I quit.

Lots of interviews next week, but now I am scared they are all porn.




List of things I have no choice but to do:

• make a salad and eat it
• clean the shower so Olivia will stay my friend and wont run away from my house screaming
• take 3 quizzes that i didnt know existed due to very poor communication
• clean my kitchen so Olivia will stay my friend and wont run away from my house screaming
• go buy new sheets cuz mine are ripped
• try and make that sound less sexual
• give up on trying to make that sound less sexual
• look around
• think about how much I want to move to NYC

So. I oughta go start that.