I've never felt more alone, feels so scary getting old.

Just dont have it in me today. 

So much Lorde. 

Always rainin men, girl, whatchu worried bout?

Edit : This blog gets crazy. Stick with it. It gets less crazy. (maybe) 

I have so much to sayyyy

Today is the first time since last Monday that I have had time to blog 

(wow Britanee we are all shocked that you are finally starting to be integrated into real life)

I cut myself off from facebook. Because I am an addict. And I need to actually start working on school stuff instead of scrolling down a repetitive news feed waiting for people to IM me.

Taylor has my password, and whenever I really want on, I ask him to log me in.

I had a lot of really important things to say, about drug wars, and my current mental state as it relates to my career aspirations.

But today what has got me really worked up, is unrequited love.

It seems to be the season for unrequited love.

Every where I look there is someone who has really strong feelings for someone who has little to none in return. 

Now that I have been on both sides of this, I consider myself some what of an expert. 

(Thank You) *bows*

I just recently faced a situation (again) that really gets my blood boiling.

Let me preface this with saying- I know I am flirtatious. I know the vibes I give out. I can see where the miscommunication may stem from.

But what I can NOT stand is when I tell a boy "I don't want a relationship with you"

And then learn he thinks waiting around is the trick.

If he just waits I will "come to my senses" and FINALLY start to realize my feelings for him.

And you know what? It makes me furious.

I take responsibility for leading him on. For the mixed signals.

But there are times I can NOT be any clearer on my intentions.

And then to hear they are being disregarded.

This is what I hear:

"She is just an indecisive, emotional girl. She doesn't know what she wants. I will show her what she wants. Her current opinion is the wrong one. Ill just wait here till she develops the right one. She cant do or say what she wants. She Isnt allowed."

Don't get me wrong, I recognize the holes in this thinking.I cant see its irrationality. 

BUT SERIOUSLY. 

When I tell you "This is permanent. I do not want to be in a relationship with you"

THAT ISN'T PLAYING HARD TO GET. 

So why do I bring this up.

I was listening to a close friend talk about a similar situation. He says "I think its time for 'the talk'"

PAUSE.

I don't think I have clapped so hard in my life.

"BOY, WHAT TALK? SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU. SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING WITH YOU! NOTHING HAS CHANGED. SO QUIT ASKING HER IF IT HAS. OHHH LORD. "

at this point I am full on walking in circles as my eyes roll so hard  its effecting the momentum of my head. 

"A GIRL SAYS WHAT SHE WANTS AND NOBODY LISTENS. ALL YOU JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT. FOR WHAT. AIN'T NOTHING CHANGING."

Boys tell me "Girls cant be nice to boys. They read into it."

Well girls are just screwed then.

Its a girls fault she smiled at you. 

Its a girls fault she treated you cordially.

Its a girls fault she invites you to spend time with her.

Girls. Stop smiling. Stop being polite. And stop having a social life that involves anything other than girls.

Maybe you should just stay quiet and paint your nails. 

Don't wanna give boys any ideas.

Its like girls arent allowed to have free agency. 

I know it isn't black and white. There are girls who SERIOUSLY lead guys on and then cut them off. Or really play with boys emotions. 

Like, say, cuddle with them.

I also know it isn't always girls doing the leading on.

Britanee, what are you even trying to get at.

If the person you have feelings for has told you they don't feel the same way, or they don't want to pursue any feelings. Hear them. As much as you disagree with them, or as much as you think if they just gave you a chance you could be great together.

I know it sucks.

Im sick of girls getting blamed for being  "players" because some boy chose not to hear them when they said "I have no intention of dating you"

Im also sick of good boys getting played because some girl couldnt answer a question straight out for fear of hurting some guy.

I also recognize mixed signals are a real thing. 

If someone is doing something that confuses you. Clarify. With that person. Not your group of friends who don't know the situation either.

I cant stand when girls sit around asking "What does this text mean? Do you think he likes me?"

GO ASK HIM.

And if you don't have a line of communication that allows for that, then maybe you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with him or her.

Trust me, I need to take my own advice. 

Everyone is playing this game because they are so worried about losing something they never even had. 

And at the end of the day, who wants to convince someone else to be with them? 

We might be hollow but we're brave

I havent blogged in a long time.


In all honesty its because I feel like it just gives people more to make fun of me about.

I dont often get discouraged in my career aspirations.
I go and learn about outrageously large and seemingly unmovable obstacles in society.
Such as  pornography creating an unrealistic ideal of sex and woman,objectification of woman leading to violence,white privilege causing a lack of empathy,media illiteracy in both boys and girls causing low self worth. I comprehend how these all create a vicious cycle of a really messed up society.
And every day I drive down the 60 east so excited about my future.
I very rarely drive home feeling like the obstacles are just too big to ever make any kind of progress.

Most people respond to my newly voiced opinions on these issues by disregarding them. They chatter off about how they personally are not effected by those factors, so they dont really matter. How I shouldnt get so passionate, because those arent even real problems. Their mom had a full time job and their dad helped with the dishes and they had to do their own laundry and a black man is president and Mexicans are poor because they never cared to get an education and white people have problems too. So just stop talking, Britanee.

And that is what discourages me.
When people try to convince me I shouldnt want these things.That they are trivial and Im simply an angsty adolescent.

Because that is so much easier to do. If we dont have a problem, we dont have to work towards a solution.


All I hear when people try to silence me is "Stay in your place,girl, quit tryin to rock the boat"




I dont want women to have "second shift"
I dont want a woman who makes less money then her male counterpart to come home from working the same 8 hour shift her husband did to be expected to cook, clean, and chase children while her husband watches the game.

I want my mother to stop calling me and asking me to start dinner and clean the bathroom and put her clothes in the washer while Taylor sits watching the food network.

I want to unlearn the idea that how I prove my love for a man is by offering him seconds before clearing his dishes at the table.

I dont want to stop doing nice things for people I love.
I dont want to stop pulling my weight, or contributing my fair share.
Thats what I want, a fair share.



As soon as I decided I wanted to go into sex education/gender equality/media literacy I knew I would face a lot of trash.
I knew people would assume I was some radical, man hating feminist who has sex with anyone and everyone and should be kept away from your children.
I was prepared for that.


But what I wasn't prepared for was being told how stupid and ludicrous I am for standing up for something I am passionate about.

There was about a 2 week period where it made me second guess myself. Moments where I realized this is what I will face for the rest of my life, and brief moments where I concluded it wasn't worth it.
Wasn't worth people I'd never met disrespecting me behind a computer screen,or even worse people I had met. Wasn't worth people making preposterous assumptions about my beliefs. My beliefs that couldn't possibly have stemed from good-intentions, but from ignorance. Wasn't worth people putting words in my mouth. Wasn't worth the infinite off handed jokes who's subtle truth stung long after the laughter subsided.



But at the end of the day,everyone knows the quickest way to silence a woman is to call her an uneducated whore.

After I changed my perception, its funny that every person who tries to tell me how pointless my opinions are, only reaffirms them.




So today, I decided to blog.

People say a lot of things-make you feel real small.

Let me tell you why I think I need to start going to therapy.


Because I want to cut my hair.



I'm not talking a trim. I'm talking ... like... this

or like...

When a girl goes through a bad break up, she cuts her bangs.

They normally look like this.

Which is good. Its like natures way of keeping you from rebounding, because no man will touch you.

Girls get break up bangs because they are sad, defiant and want change. 

But they always just regret it afterwards.

And while I haven't had a bad break up recently , there is very little stopping me from chopping off all my hair right now.

And that doesn't worry me because of the prospect of being hideous. It worries me because something is causing me to be sad,defiant and to want change.

Every once and a while I hit this wall where a big cut enters my mind. I have a whole slew of reasons I recite and the urge is gone

Slew of reasons:

• short hair takes a lot of upkeep, and you wont keep up Britanee.
• you'd have to wear make up to remind people you like that you were born a girl. And you hate make up.
• the feminist jokes would be relentless. 
• when your hair is dirty you throw it in a bun, but with short hair, you'd have to start washing your hair.
• you like boys. 
• people would think you cut your hair because of Miley Cyrus. 
• You don't really have edgy enough clothes to pull it off.
• you have commitment issues and it would take 3 years for your hair to grow back out.

That's about it.

Normally these work, but not this time around.

Which is why I think there is something I'm clearly not addressing in my Psyche.

I aint in it for the minute, I pass up the gimmicks

Wanna hear a funny story?


I was working sale Saturday, and this guy came through my line, as guys often do.
He was probably about 26 (just where I like em) His face was OK, but I liked his style better
He was buying nothing but ties. We started talking about how we both only shop at goodwill and how much consumerism sucks. He informed me he works in retail too. When I asked him where he hesitantly replied "...fascinations..."


I slyly said "My major is sex education, you arent gonna weird me out"

We laughed a bit more and then I gave him his change and he scampered off out the doors.


About 8 minutes later I look up and he is in my line again.

I asked if something had been wrong with the previous transaction. He said "No I just decided I needed one more."


I honestly thought nothing of it as I scanned it and handed him his receipt.

He thanked me and then confidently said "Oh, and this is for you."
With that, he slid me a folded piece of paper, smiled and walked away.


I opened the paper to find his name, his number and a doodle of suspenders and ties.


I instantly thought two things.

1, "Boy number"
2. "He spend a-whole-nother dollar just to give me his number"


I slide it in my back pocket and proceed to tell all of my fellow cashiers and my manager who doesn't believe I have game.


It was some excitement amid my 9 hour shift.


I think nothing of this number.
I have enough on my plate, and I really have no interest in any more friendships that aim to lead to relationships than I already have. So I go about the next day completely normal. Run some errands, do some laundry, catch up on homework.


Tonight I come home and tell Nathan the story.
He asks "So, have you text him!?!?!"


"Heck no, I dont need anymore men in my life!"

"You have to message him, it doesn't get anymore movie than this"

"Rape is real." I said as I shoveled bean dip into my mouth.

Eventually I decided I would text this guy.
So I go into my room looking for my work pants. Im looking for then in their usual spot (aka the floor) I cant find them until suddenly I remember they are in a new pile.


My freshly washed clothes.


"No way." I think to myself.


I check the pockets.


No where to be found.




And Nathan said it couldn't get any more like a movie.

Welcome to the new age

This is my life lately.

Brushing my drying hair at stop lights.
Texting late apology texts while driving the freeway on-ramp
Packed lunches.
Lots of trail mix. Lots.
Being dead tired by 9 pm. Finding my bed by midnight.
Recognizing the coincidence of seeing my immediate family.
Taking showers for the sole purpose of knowing I wont have an opportunity anytime soon.
Realizing seeing anyone who lives outside of the phoenix metropolis is literally not possible.
Having the next week filled before its even Monday.
Doing homework as I walk to class.
Constantly having my work clothes in my car.Or on my body.
Always having to budget my time during a social encounter.
Microwaves.
Smelling shirts before I put them on.
Thinking the interior of my car is the only one who knows the happenings of my life/feelings.
Eating alone. Most of the time.
Exchanges.
Prioritizing.
Saying "no". Lots.
Getting excited I got around to trimming my finger nails.
Hearing older people tell me this isn't even hard yet.


And I'm sure it isn't.










And she still finds time to blog...

I got the eye of the tiger,a fighter.

Its funny, the more educated I become as a "feminist" the more I am actually defending men.


So today I was squirming to get homework done right before the start of the class. I plopped down in some random chair next to thees two girls my age who were casually chatting. I started doing my gender studies homework answering questions about the effects of the media on woman, when I cant help but overhear this girls conversation.

She talks about how hard her life has been in the last year .How she moved out with her boyfriend of 4 months even tho her parents hated him, then 4 months later he kicked her out. She went on to explain when she went back to get her things there were girls all over the apartment who he had obviously been sleeping with. She went on to explain how hard her life was after that. She then said "I hate men. They are all douchebags. Seriously, like I cant stand men."


Ohhhhhh take a breathe Britanee.


Look, I am jaded myself. I have been used before. I have been hurt before.
But let me tell you.
All men are not douche-bags.

You are just a stupid girl with low standards.

(disclaimer:Its not your fault, you were raised in a pretty crummy society who taught you terrible ways to get a man)

For some reason this has been on my mind a lot. I cant stand when girls say "Guys are such jerks, Im done with them"

I keep hearing all thees stories, like "My boyfriend had sex with another girl while I was laying right next to him"


GIRL.
HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVER DATE A MAN CAPABLE OF THAT?
AND HOW DID YOU NOT GET UP AND WALK THE EFFFF OUT.

They tell this story to me like I should feel bad for them...

Its really hard for me to sympathize, because I have really only ever had ONE awful experience with a boy, and I take full responsibility for LETTING him use me. I knew a man who would only meet me after midnight in secret was badddddnews.
I let myself get used.
And honey, it only took ONE time for it to never happen again.


All these girls talk about how terrible there boyfriends were to them.

I have never once had a boyfriend treat me terribly.My past boyfriends have had flaws, for sure, but they never disrespected me or treated me badly. Nor would I ever have let them...

Part of it is me being lucky, and another part of it is I don't surround myself with men who have the potential to mistreat me.
I know there are situations where its out of your control, or when you never saw it coming. But for the most part -Have more respect for yourself and hold to your standards (which hopefully are not as flimsy as you are)


Dont sit there in your pity party, figure out what you could have done differently and LEARN from it.

Girls wonder how they get used, because they are so blind. All yo little friends try tellin you and yo bitch asssss dont listen.

Start listening.

Its okay you got fooled, but its not okay that you didn't learn from it.

Dont make excuses for a man just because he is gorgeous and gives you butterflies.
Dont ignore the red flags.
Dont feel bad for sticking to your standards. Even if it makes him feel bad, or its an uncomfortable situation.
You don't owe him anything.
Dont tell yourself you will defend your self-worth next time, start now.





Because all girls are heartless whores,right?