And they're goin to better places, but our friends will be gone away

This semester has been without a doubt my favorite semester of all time. 

I moved out of my parents house. I live with a houseful of positive, encouraging and loving women. My room is cute.
I absolutely love where I live and who I live with.

I gave my first comprehensive sex education presentation. Multiple times.
Its crazy to think how far I've come in less than a year. I was grassrooting female sexual entitlement with efforts to avoid heternomativity? Last summer I wrote this blog, and look how far I've come since then.

After the presentation I was completely overcome with gratitude to those who encouraged me and supported me throughout the process. It was honestly so exhausting and I could not have done it without my support team and those who picked up my slack. Namely Mona ,Pixi, Nathan B., Sunny,my little sister Sarah and especially T for all the conversations in which she talked me down from my fears and insecurities involving the project and my ability level.
Thanks to the outrageous success of the shirt, this presentation had such high expectations, and I'm so grateful for everyone who contributed to my emotional, physical and academic ability to pull it off. It seriously was a team effort.



I ran for Student Body President and lost to the most deserving incredible candidate. Martin is already doing impressive things for the college community, and I can think of no one better fit for the position.

I was offered the position of Executive Director of the Events Programming Council, which I think of as home. I accepted , and consequently agreed to one more year at MCC. I will be filling some pretty big shoes.

     

                                                             






This was my first semester ever taking math or science courses, something I had put off because I felt incapable of doing well in those courses. I finished the semester with straight A's. Making my first ever A in math.









I have always known the kind of person I want to be, and this semester, I made real strides in achieving that.

I am completely blown away at the amazing opportunities I was given. More so, I was and am so deeply grateful for the amazing humans I met along the way. I was lucky enough to surround myself with people who genuinely shaped me into the best person I have ever been. These people made me value my experiences with MCC so much more than they will ever know.

This school year is a hard one to say goodbye to with so many of my close friends who have been so integral to my positive experiences headed off to university.
Next year has a lot to surpass,but I plan on it.

 

You're the only one that I want, think Im addicted to your light.

During the second week of school I met this human named T,who dressed sharp and stood out, as she was in no way like others at MCC.

I met her briefly at an EPC event, and thought nothing of it. Later in the day I walked into the EPC office and saw her. We started small talk that turned into me telling her things its taken me years to entrust in my closest friends. And she did likewise. I learned more of her queer sexuality and gender fluidity.

We were fast friends. I lit up every time I saw her.


A week or so later I asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me. She asked if it was a date and I answered yes.

Here is the thing its taken me a few years to realize.
Growing up Mormon, I think of dates much differently than others.
So while many people think a date is a small step of commitment, I think of a date as something you do involving chalk, ice cream, and the expectation of platonic friendship.


We went on the date and talked all about our sexuality.She had heard a lot of my reputation of being a man eater and told me she just needed to learn my language to know how to categorize me. I elaborated on my new label of "queer" which I had very recently enacted to unsubscribe from heteronormativity. I refused to cut off half the population just because I'd been socialized it was the normal thing, and didnt like that people could just assume my sexuality. I also informed her I have much stronger, quicker developing feelings for men,and have historically dated only men, and while I wouldn't rule out dating a girl, I didn't really see it happening.

She categorized me as straight female friend.


Due to this label, I trusted her with all my secrets. All the secrets about current situations with a certain boy, all my insecurities, everything really.

We just kept becoming stronger friends, and from that came a sense of protection. We were always looking out for the other.
T never made any advancements or attempts to sway me. T kept it more "just friends" than I did.


We went on a 4 day school trip to San Diego . Throughout this trip small things kept happening that would build into pretty undeniable "more-than-friend-feelings" . Things like collecting shells on the beach like little kids, things like her stepping between me and creepy men, things like brushing our teeth alongside each other at the end of the night, thinking that is how I wanted everyday to end.

One night on the light-rail to go downtown with all our friends,I held her hand for no reason. And then held her hand all night. And then on the entire bus drive home.

Something in our dynamic had shifted. I told T I didn't want  to change anything until I was sure of what it was.

Uhm,
That was a whole crazy process of me deciphering what I had learned though my socialization , where were actual feelings, and what was just exciting because it was new, and weighing a loss of privileged as a hetero-projecting person.
I did not overlook this process. I didn't just think..."Ill try this out" or "all the cool kids are doing it" or "this will teach my Mormon parents!"

T means more to me than most people I've ever met, and I would never do anything to just toy with her emotions.
Something was always different with T.

It was a whole self reflecting, societal reflecting, family reflecting process.
And eventually, it all just clicked and I didn't want anyone else. And I couldn't deny the completely new feelings.

And I will tell you, its not easy.
Its not easy to think my support of LGBTQ rights just lost all objectiveness, and therefore power.
Its not easy to have people think you are just a feminist because you're a lesbian (which I'm not, but whatever: labels.)
Its not easy to have you mom change the subject anytime you talk about how your date went that night.
Its not easy to have your dad remind you "God intends ultimate happiness between a married man and woman"
Its not easy to get disgusted stares from complete strangers just for holding someones hand.
Its not easy to kiss with one eye open so no one does or says anything to hurt the person you care about most.


But I think the hardest part is watching the person you care about most sit silently in a Thai restaurant and replay in her head the words of the women who thought it was her place to loudly reprimand us for publicly kissing, and know we can count on that happening again.



But. I couldn't image facing all that garbage with anyone else but her.
She makes me happy, shes socially aware, she's ridiculously musically talented, she's a genius who is probably finding allll the grammar errors in this right now,she dances like a complete bad-ass, she leaves class to find me when she hears I'm having a hard day, she stands for what she believes in with supportable data and passion, she respects every person she meets, she calms me down when I start acting straight crazy.


Last night, T took me on the best date of my entire life which consisted of tasty drinks alongside a lake, bongo lessons (I play claves like a pro) , a racist/sexist dog walker, consequential hilarious jokes about said dog-walker, delicious Thai food, and...wait for it...


MOTHER EFFFING DANCE LESSONS TO PARTITION



T was like..."oh lets stop in this dance studio to see my friends".
And then the instructor is like  "Want to learn this choreography to Partition?"


IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW PARTITION IS MY JAMMMMMMMMMMMM. AND THIS WAS NOT PANSY STUFF. THIS WAS SOME NITTTTTTYYYGRIIITTTYY HIP HOP.

Best date of my life.
2 hours of Beyonce choreography.




Its unexpected. Its unorthodox. Its scary. Its my favorite.

She is my favorite.

So good.

People that put their passion before them being comfortable.

Last Friday I left for a Bridging Cultures trip with MCC.

I am incredibly fortunate to be handed so many opportunities this semester, its honestly changing me faster than I can keep up with.


We went to Tuscon, learned about border patrol, drug smuggling,the environmental detriments due to the WALL and the complicated process of legal application for citizenship.

Did you know citizenship application from mexico in 1993 are just now getting reviewed?. 

Someone who applied for legal citizenship would have to wait my lifetime.

I was greatly impacted by my perception of ignorance surrounding the border issue, and of course had another social justice issue to add to my list of passions. I don't mind. Id rather be informed and "angry" then blissfully apathetic

The next day we went to the Tohono O'odham Nation and learned about the effects of migrants and border patrol.

Did you know United Stated Border Patrol uses large amounts of  Tohono O'odham Nation land and only pays a $1 lease per year.


I had this crazy experience on top of a sacred mountain which consisted of me feeling completely connected to all humans, and consequently crying uncontrollably to the presenter afterward.
It was awesome.

  I saw the same passion and determination in her that I recognize within myself. I also saw her facing the same adversity. I saw her doing the dirty work. The hard work. The work that makes people think you are crazy and makes you lose friends and exhausts you to the point of laying awake at night. The work that opens peoples eyes and changes peoples heart at a glacier pace. I saw myself in her and it made me sad that our lives are both destined to be hard. But I also saw the same response to the struggle we both face.  We couldn't chose any other path, even if we wanted to, which we don't.

We then drove from Tucson to LA and I got road sickness for the first time ever, which was a neat experience.

While in LA we went to Cycadelic Records in Compton to learn about the Rodney King riots as well as the friction within Compton today.
Our Presenter , Lucia  was a female who spoke of growing up in Compton, who spoke of issues I recognize every day within my own town . She spoke my language, sociology terminology rhythmical flowing in her sentences, her passion for her education apparent.
A midst her sea of words she said a sentence I'm sure she never intended to be so impact-full.
"Im trying to write the book I never read"

That only sums up the reason for every single thing I do and every aspiration I have.

I asked her about her schooling after the presentation.
She informed me of her bachelors, and 2 masters all in fields of sociology and her current pursuit of her PhD.
Upon asking her age she answered "26."


Damn.




I have always hated the quote "You can not be what you can not see"

Its often used in feminist movement persuasion.

I never agreed with it because I feel like I have stood for many things I never saw someone stand for, and Im not someone who looks to see if others are doing it before I do so myself.
However, I will tell you, the most impact people in my life are females who do the unexpected. And in turn I believe I can do so too.

I never aspired to achieve a  Masters Degree until I met Mona Scott, who overcame unthinkable opposition to succeed.

And I never wanted 2 Masters until this weekend when I met Lucia.

The drive home from LA was filled more contemplation then I expected from this 4 day trip. Contemplation about social justice, about humanity, about my schooling and life choices.
I made a lot of decisions, but the one I am most sure in is that I now plan on getting 2 masters.
One in Human Sexuality
And one in Race.



BE what you can not see.

Ready or not, here I come

What a luxury it would be to speak out of emotion.
To have a trigger response, and for it to be heard, and respected, and thought to be educated and justified.


As a female, I have never had that luxury.
I must speak more eloquently, more logically, and more APOLOGETICALLY than my male counterpart, in order, not to be BELIEVED, but to not be immediately DISMISSED.

What a luxury it must be to feel like its your place to tell someone what they should have done differently,and for it to be considered an act of kindness.
When I do that, I am out of place, naggy.


What a luxury it must be to feel entitled to saying what you want.

I have never had that luxury.








Stop ignoring that you have more privilege than someone else simply because it makes you feel uncomfortable and do something constructive with it.


That is what I want to say.

But that is far too abrasive for this young white girl to be saying.
Instead she has to use words that make those who are over-privileged invisible, so they don't have to face the fact they have more ability to do something about it.
So they don't have to know what it feels like to be out of their comfort zone.
So we don't, for a second, have to know what it feels like to be underprivileged.
To not be white.

NCLC PART 1

As a member of epc I was invited to a National collegiate leaders conference in Tucson.

The trip getting here was crazy and stressful, but as soon as it started I was outrageously excited.

I walked into the giant banquet hall with music blasting and fancy finger foods. The music had a dirty beat, so of course I started getting down in this giant room full of collegiate leaders. I could see the uneasy look on my chaperones faces, until the director of the conference came over and danced with me.  

Side note: the entire board of directors for
the conference are ALL females. Swooooonn

My workshop options are outrageously hard to choose from. I struggle between workshops focused on female empowerment or racial awareness. 

Tonight I went to a workshop called "paying for equality: female or re-male"

This class was especially cool because I learned the differance between equity and equality. I can't wait to bring that up in dialogues about gender.
I also learned a lot of techniques on productive discussion techniques and how to foster a respectful dialogue.

Tomorrow I am going to:
Female equality is a team sport
Leadership: embracing femininity
Confidence. Passion. Vision. Beyonce

I am still deciding between one more workshop slot to be filled either by one about race, or bringing social change through technology.

It's hard because there are multiple workshops Im interested in, but they are all in the same time slot.

Every where I went throughout the conference I would introduce myself and they would say "oh I know who you are,I saw you dancing"

SIDE NOTE: My girl Sunny started the wobble and it caught like wild fire. MCC definitely stood out .

Anyway,I have yoga at 8 am and before that I have a fancy breakfast.
This conference is so dope , it's unbelievable. I wanted to write so I wouldn't forget the good stuff (BECAUSE I LEFT A NOTEBOOK AT HOME)
But I'm on my phone and it's late. So in going to sleep.

Speak until the dust settles in the same specific place.

What has our little girl become?
Too loud, too shocking, wont play dumb
Constantly reminding us of things we refuse to mention
Cant understand why she wants all this attention
We know she just does it just to see jaws drop
Forget that she might want oppression to stop.

She cant take a joke, cant just laugh along
We can never say the right thing, all we spew is wrong
Shouldn't have let her go off and get an education
Open her mind to her past's manipulation
Shouldn't have let her realize world is slowly drowning
Instead, we should focus on the only thing we know,our surroundings.

And everyone around is starting to learn more
She is proving them right, they know shes a whore
"This is not who we raised you to be
Be ladylike, you're embarrassing me. "
I know I lost my virginity before marriage too,
but my kid wont, she will know the religion  is true.
You are the face of something we can only resent
Don't want to hear premarital sex is at 91 percent.

Hope its just a phase or we lost her
Doesn't fit the mold? Just toss her.
Don't take a second glance to realize her worth
Shes got too many injustices she wants to unearth
She wont stay quiet even at thanksgiving
How could she not love the life shes living?
Never had to work for anything shes was given
Its not because the color of her skin its because shes driven
Well if shes not, her parents sure are
Easy loans on the house and the car
But that's because her dad worked hard, and his dad did too
Only white people work hard, its been proven true.




I'm too exhausted to change minds, and too enlightened to stay silent
You're telling me this is just the way it is, I don't buy it.
Slowly suffocated by the ignorance
Everyday its getting harder to live like this
A house divided and someone has got to be wrong for the other to be right
But remember,only men may initiate the fight
"Britanee, stay quiet you know he has a temper,
Please just wash the dish", as if that's what I'm meant for.
"but this isn't an example of inequality"
I'm mopping the floors while hes watching cable TV
Women around me tell me they like it, "He has his job and I have mine"
"I like taking care of him, Britanee, its fine"
Trouble is being nurturing seems to equate to being inferior
Handed my "job" as soon as a doctor could decipher my exterior




Its too close to home to keep our voices down
Forget all considerations, make it personal now
Breath through the pounding in your chest
Cant see your point of view, wont give it a rest.
We both speak of things the other can not see
You speak of a God, and I speak of inequality.

She keeps me warm.

Would I date me if I was a boy?


He would be physically attractive.
He would be smooth.
He would know exactly what to say to make that thing happen where your heart speeds up and it feels like sunrays are filling your lungs, to produce the kind of smile you feel in your ears before it creeps across your face.

He'd know reminding you you don't have a chance with him only makes you want him more.
You'd swear to your friends  he is different than everyone thinks he is.
You would ignore the stream of broken hearts trailing behind him.
You would think you are different.


He would take me on the most thoughtful, creative dates.
He'd give me heartfelt gifts.
Sometimes he'd care what Im talking about, but he also gets bored easily.


He would live with his parents.
He would preach he doesn't have a job because he hates corporations, but he would also admit its because his parents white privilege supports him while he goes to school which they pay for.
He would state bold opinions (that people would unquestioningly listen to).

He would be open about his sexuality
He'd say sex is subjective, and just because penile vaginal intercourse took place doesn't mean he had sex.
He would say sex without a condom indeed feels better.
He would say his number doesn't define him, and is consequently none of your business.
He would say everyone should feel free to masturbate.
He would be hoping for sex almost every time you spent the night. Sometimes, he would get frustrated with you for not giving it to him.


His career aspirations are guaranteed to bring in just enough money, if that.
He disrespects his mother.
And he drives a 96 Saturn hatchback with peeling interior.
He wouldn't take me to expensive restaurants, not often anyway. He would take me to farmers markets, though. Then we would cook a meal together. And both do the dishes.



He would flirt with other girls because it makes him feel in control. And to him, it doesn't really mean anything.


Would I date the boy version of myself?

He seems like he has some great characteristics. He sounds like a good friend, but not really long term material. He doesn't make enough money, nor will he ever, he doesn't have enough current motivation, and he kind of sounds like a tool in the bedroom.



Why are my aspirations empowering, but his are not?