Lets put this to bed without crawling in your bed

My goodness.
So much frustration.
I can only blame myself for the fact I didnt get around to this earlier.

Since I switched from naturopathy to ....... educating woman (we'll get into that) I have needed to see an adviser to not only inform me of what classes to take, but also point me in the direction of a specific major.

I went to Red Mountain campus hoping the lines would be shorter after hearing horror stories of Dobson campus in which people have been waiting 5 hours to see an adviser.

I walked to the counter where the receptionist sat and informed her I needed to see an adviser.
She took my student information down and then asked me "What is your major?"

I laughed, and murmured "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
and then said "Can you just type in u-h-h-h-h?"

She looked at me plainly, not in the least amused and said..."So General Studies."


"Perfect." I replied, knowing it really didnt matter.

The whole reason I was there was to be TOLD which MAJOR my aspirations would cleanly fit into.



When I met my adviser, well- after she had finished clearly disapproving of the length of my shorts, I told her
"I want to go into sex education for high school girls, but not just the anatomical point of view, more the emotional and mental effects. I want to do preventative education by way of building confidence and communication skills in teenage girls.I'd also like to participate in rehabilitation for sexually abused teens, but I dont really want to go into the psychology aspect, I'd like to avoid becoming a counselor"

She looked at me blankly and said..."I dont even know what that falls under"




She then informed me I have an $80 hold on my account.


Awesome.....so about my future.....



"You could go into counseling" she said flatly.


No, see Im trying to help them before they get completely messed up...


She then walked me to Debbie's desk. Debbie was much friendlier.

I told Debbie the same shpeal but cracked a few more jokes about periods, which were moderately well received.


She said I could become a high school counselor or a nurse.


yeah....noooooooooo


I was starting to get really frustrated, because I don't want to take classes that aren't going to funnel me into what I want to do specifically.


She kept saying, "So you want to do health education."

No. Sex education.
SEX.
You can say it,its not a bad word....
Has anyone ever told you what it is?

I was getting so angry. Why was this so hard. There genuinely is not a SEX EDUCATION program anywhere. Nothing that was plainly close to it.
NO WONDER ALL OF YOUR KIDS ARE GETTING STDS AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES.
Im sure if Debbie and I worked harder we could have found something.
She pulled up lots of degrees which would educate people on changing there eating habits or education on cancer...



She was so nice, but...so far off.

Thats when I started to realize, what I really want to do doesn't exist.

A safe informative place for teenage girls.
And Planned Parenthood doesnt count.


I took her print out on ASU's program for Health Promotion, which seemed to fit the best (even tho it seems to lean towards nutrition *eye roll*)



I was so frustrated. Like fighting back tears frustrated. This is what I want to do, why cant it be easy.


Thats when I realized how much this really meant to me.

I dont want to do something in the neighborhood of what I actually want to do.
I want to do EXACTLY what I aspire to do, even if it means I have to create it myself.
Even if I have to start my own organization similar to Big Brother Big Sister that deals only with sex education for both parents and teens and schools.

I want to educate parents on how repressing sexuality in their off spring can lead to some serious obstacles later in life.
I want to teach parents how to talk to their kids about sex at a young age and handle it when their kids grow up and dont listen to them.
I want to arm teenage girls with the confidence,communication skills and education it takes to get out of high school alive.
I want to completely free the constraints media has put on woman that they themselves believe.


Even if I have to build it from the ground up and work really hard.
I want to change the entire connotation of  "Sexual Education"
I want Sex to no longer be a bad word.





Im gonna dig a little deeper and talk with some non-profits and sex educators just to see what programs are already out there and how I can get involved.


So. I thought today would clear things up, but it apparently did the opposite.






Classes start in about two weeks...wonder what Im gonna take?

Momma always said get a rich boyfriend, you don't gotta love him girl you can pretend

The more I become interested in woman's oppression in the States, the more I wonder how much I enable it myself.

I made the joke the other day that I'm a feminist until it comes to carrying something heavy or paying for my own meals.

Today I tried looking up where a man paying on a date originated from. Of course I assumed it somehow relates back to an exchange of services. And while I never found a phenomenal article on that particular subject, I did find this one.

I agree with the the 5 to keep.

I can stick up for myself, I can support myself, but a boy better open a door for me.

The 5 to ditch, I have mixed feelings on.

I will say when it comes to a man paying on dates, I never let a man pay in full on a date unless I am or intend to be exclusive with him.

I'll let him pay for dinner, but I'll buy dessert.

And once I am in a relationship, believe me when I say, its 50/50 

Furthermore, If I asked the guy on the date, you better know Im gonna pay.

As far as a man asking my father for permission.

 My feminist brain protests wildly against it as it was originally done as ,essentially, a purchase or exchange.

But my Disney princess brain thinks that's how its supposed to go.

And I'll tell you why.

Because the my father was the one who took care of me all these years, and now , my fantastic hardworking and wealthy boyfriend is asking my father if he trusts him to become the one to take care of me.

Good thing I was so lucky to have so many men to take care of me. I never could have done that on my own.

I can still see its appeal, aside from blatant tradition. Its making sure the father approves of the guy. I get it, I get it.

Speaking of my extremely wealthy boyfriend.

I preach about how woman are objectified, but, we do the same thing to men.

The other day a family member was trying to sell me on dating this guy.

He told me "He's funny, he's religious, hes a great guy, and he makes good money"

And I'll admit my ears perked up.

I cant tell you how many times I have never given a guy a chance because of his career aspirations.Or his height.Mostly just his height, cuz lets be real, I've dated a lot of actors. A lot of tall actors.

(you fish where you swim) 

So why does a guy pay on a date, even when he knows he aint getting any afterwards? Because he can. Look at all the things this man will pay for. 

I'll take my share of the blame in completely buying into that. But there is also a portion of the blame that can be attributed to a young girl being led to believe that is what she should strive for.

A man with money. Because someone in the marriage has to be making it, and , honey, it aint gonna be the woman.

 Yes its because she will be less educated. Yes its because she has low career aspirations. 

Yes, its because she will be home with the kids.

Because that is what shes expected to do. That's what she has been modeled to do. 

Obviously, this is not true for all woman, and I'm certainly not saying a woman who stays home with the kids is a waste of student loans. 

 Let me clearly stress that I do not think a stay at home mother is any less intelligent, driven,or hardworking than a Female CEO who built her company from the ground up.

All Im trying to say is:

why do you pay for the girl on a date?

why do you let the guy pay?

who taught your daughter she needed taking care of?

She's richer than Croesus, she's tougher than leather

Sunday,while waiting for my  improv show to begin I was chatting with my little sister, I looked over and saw this hooligan laser pointing the stage.

This is a boy I have been inclined to dislike for no particular reason other than he makes ignorant jokes about woman, and attends the show with a girl who also makes ignorant jokes about woman.

I also just dislike her because all of the male troupe members think shes attractive.
(Every once and a while I think and act like a girl. I know, I hate it.)



So i go over to him and jokingly say "Im sorry, Im gonna have to confiscate that as we do not allow laser pointers during our shows"

He couldnt tell if I was joking or not, and niether could his friends and to be honest, niether could I.

He started being a little butt face and so I said " look, just make sure you dont use it durring the show"

He implied "What are you gonna do about it"



My two  6 foot something 200 pound something brothers were BOTH at the show, and my brother Andrew (the tough one) was right behind this boy. I said "Do we have a problem? Andrew, we might have a problem"

Still pretty much joking...

As I said this the entire bar got quiet, thinking we were genuinly fighting. We werent, but I did want this kid to shut up....

I expected Andrew to stand up, the boy would get scared, and everyone would laugh and it would be over.

But Andrew Just sits there smiling.
The brother who said he will knock out any boy for me just sits there and smiles and blinks.


I looked back at the punk kid and said "i want to hear you say 'No Manm, we dont have a problem"


He looks at me.
and says "i could call you by your name, and say "Yes Bitch, we do have a problem"


I instantly went from any shred of joking to full on serious

"Now we have a problem"


I do not stand for men calling me a bitch.
Even jokingly.
I have had boyfriends who say it as a complete joke and I have to stop them and tell them I wont tolerate it, even as a joke


If a girl calls me a bitch tho, I really dont care.


So this stranger calls me a bitch in a bar.

With my 2 giant brothers right behind him.


And what do you think happens.

Andrew looks around.
And Taylor walks past me like hes never met me before.


At this point we are both aware the entire bar is listening to us.
The boy stands up and says "Look, I dont know if you are trying to scare me, but Im a full grown man and Im not gonna let some woman tell me what to do"

I said "When you reach 5"8 , then we'll talk" and I walked away.



What I learned from that night is that I cant depend on my brothers to protect me.


But on the bright side, I know they wont inflict any harm on future boys I bring home.






All I know is Nathan would have handled it.

You've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried

Jeappersss guys.

Seriously guys. I have had no time to blog at all regardless of the fact I have tons to blog about. In the past 5 days I have been home for about 3 hours (sleeping excluded) (#lovemybed)


Wanna know why its raining here?

Because I have a job which consequently forces me to be inside while I hear all about the one day of the year its rained.


You're welcome.

I kinda love my job. Ya know....after one day.
For the most part the customers are wicked nice. Yesterday, durring my first day, every single cash register froze and everyone was super patient...
I had a few meanies. But I handled them like a chammmmpppp, whhhaaaaaatttttt

Also, I get to touch clothes all day. Which is my favorite.
Id be completely happy doing nothing but floor work. Just setting clothes back on the racks.
Its like shopping but instead its like torture.

Some of my customers has the most impressive dollar deals Ive ever seen.
GET. IT.



Oh, get this, I WORK THIS SATURDAY WHICH IS HALLLLFFFF OFFFFFF SATURDAY.


OHHHHH GET READDDDY



Last night I caught up with my old Friend Michal Paris.

She is currently attending SWIHA and so is her man, who was at her apartment. They were talking about massage therapy and I asked them to use my body.


Sweet baby, it was such a gorgeous experience.

I got what is called a 4-hand massage

If there was a drug that made me feel that way, Id do it.

AND.

The Momma and Pappas were playing on vinyl.


It was so euphoric.



It was perfect.
On all accounts.


And then we drank iced coffee from mason jars and put her bike in my car and drove to SWIHA.

We're so perfect together.


I gotta keep this one short because I have work in just a bit.


awwww yeiii.
I get to wear jeans.
Look out.
Aint no one gonna be rude to me with this booty.


My life is so good.

Awwww snap. Aw snap.

Can someone tell me why my hair is taking 3 hours to dry?


So since I no longer spend every waking moment in Tempe, I now go to the chiropractor by my house.


My new chiropractor is like a grown up man hipster. The kind you see and instantly know he shops at Trader Joes.


I went and got an adjustment from him for the first time the other day and was trying not to laugh out loud at the thoughts this man made run through my head.
 Like imagine this grown man who looks kinda like Jesus holding my face inches away from his body and me just trying not to giggle.


Last night at Little Shop of Horrors rehearsal I was joking about how much I love when my Chiropractor touches me and how good he smells and how I make up ailments just to get more of his hands on me.
"Like yeah, Im having a lot of pain on my lower back. like. lowwwwerrrrrrrrrrrr"


This morning I woke up with a slight pain in my neck so I stretched it slightly to try and help it out.

Instead of any improvement all that happened was a pop and then i couldn't move my neck.


Opppssss guess I gotta go see Mr. Smells-good-holds-my-face.


I went in and this man spent like 40 minutes just rubbing and stretching my neck.




And while I cant move my neck for a couple days still....I was not mad that I had to go in and visit him.



He even gave me a complimentary Ice pack.



I know what your trying to say Trader Joe....





So I have a show tonight at a new venue with Names From A Hat  and so I was looking forward to having rang of motion in my neck.


Good thing i dont have to dunk my neck in and out of a bucket full of water or anything.



Updates since last Blaaaahgggg:

 I should just fill you in that my dad is "fine" (thats a whole other story that really brings out the conspiracy theorist in me), my second interview went awesome. I was told "If it wasnt for your availability I would hire you on the spot. But lemme see what I can do"
But most importantly. I LOVE my life so hard right now. I am so happy to be where Im at.

But if you close your eyes

Remember when I had that obsession with mashed potatoes? For about a week I truthfully ate at least 1 serving of mashed potatoes a day.


Its now become filibertos rice and beans. Like what? I aint mad.


Lets get into the thick of it. This blog has the potential to be one of the most eventful in a while, but due to its heaviness, I can even post all the crazy stuff. Cuz ya know, my blog isn't private....






I dont think I have ever had such an unpredictable couple of days like this....in longer than I can remember.

Friday I dropped my parents off at the airport to go visit my sister in Bosie, and then to go to a funeral in Salt Lake City.

I had no idea that was the start of such an impact-full weekend.


Saturday
I went to my second families house to watch a Documentary I had started a long time ago but never gotten to finish.

(I linked it, its kinda the coolest thing ever. All about how the media's depiction of woman genuinely affects the course of our future in a horrible way)

You can say that is when my life changed.

It made me a total feminist.

I should say it made me realize I was ALREADY a feminist.



That night, with  the help of a friend I realized I seriously want to look into devoting my future to woman's rights , sex education and the general development of the female youth.



Im gonna keep that part short and sweet, because I could go in depth about how much and what that means to me, but, I don't need to explain it. Im content at leaving it at that.


You should know, I haven't felt like myself in probably 10 months . In most recent months I have had small glimmers, but nothing to get too excited about.


Seriously. Sunday morning I woke up exactly the person I want to be.

Well, not really, I actually woke up really grumpy.

I was confronted with a conversation that needed to happen.The most important thing for you to know about this conversation is that it made me feel strong. While it was hard and ugly, it made me feel independent and in control of my own future. It reminded me of how I used to be.

I wanted to distract myself from the conversation so I decided I needed to go be productive. A Goodwill near my house is hiring and so I decided to drop off a resume , ya know the whole shpeal.


GIVEN THAT GOODWILL IS MY DREAM JOB.


I was given an interview on the spot, and scheduled for a second interview this week.

Well that's only the thing I want most.

A job.

And not only that, a job at Goodwill.

Then I went to my troupes improv show and felt really solid about my performance and my conduct surrounding the show.

SIDE NOTE: I TOTALLY GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE (on accident) but I started bleeding and my TEETH hurt and my skull felt broken and my right eye was tingly.


BUT I FELT LIKE THE MOST BAD ASS.

Scratch that off the bucket list.


That night also has a lot of other instances of me taking care of my business in a way I was proud of.
And also in ways that left me thinking.

Lets just say, this summer is sure to be quite the adventure.

Okay,so looking back at what I've written, it doesnt seem so exciting, but trust me, it seriously is. I finally feel like I'm back on track.

Sunday was a nuts 24 hours. Such clarity. Made me feel like the person I want to be. I was so thankful for all aspects of my life. Especially my family. I remember walking to a friends apartment and thinking " I need to call my parents and tell them how much I appreciate all they do"

I remember that moment very clearly and I remember it being completely random.

I didnt make the call.


Today I went about my day, still with a crazy positive attitude.



I did really mundane things. I was out with my brother when he got a phone call and I saw concern slowly bleed into his face.


This happens every once and a while for various reasons, so I wasn't worried. I was mostly just excited to find out the juicy gossip.

It was my mom. Who is in Salt Lake City with my Dad and my sister for the aforementioned funeral. I was told by Taylor something was  happening with my dad and he was at the hospital. Oddly enough I was too worried. Maybe because Taylor wasnt worried. Maybe because I never heard the fear in my moms voice. I went about my night figuring there was nothing I could do from here, and trying to stay optimistic.


During rehearsal I realized I had a missed call. I slipped out and returned the call to my mom. She of course, was asking me if id run some errand for her, and if that was important.

With frustration,I  told her Id taken care of that hours ago, and it wasn't something I cared about at the moment. I asked to find out what was going on.


Naturally I was to ask what was going on, but the real motivation behind the question was the stress I heard in my mothers voice.


She tiredly answered "Dad was having chest pains and was unable to support himself this afternoon. We called an ambulance. It wasn't a heart attack. They admitted him overnight for observation because they cant get his heart beat to slow down, and he has an unexplainable fever they cant get to go away."


Thats all I remember from the conversation. I dont remember how I ended up ending the phone call.

The next thing I remember is sitting in rehearsal and thinking

"The last time you saw your dad could be the last time you ever see him. You cant even go say goodbye if the time came, because he's in salt lake, and you couldn't get there in time"


I remember a thousand thoughts at once about how I wasn't there to help my mom , or how she only has the clothes she packed, or how she wont be eating home made meals,or how my dad is the only person who can calm her down , or how none of the men from my dads ward are there to give him a blessing, or how many people I know who have suddenly died from heart complications recently,or imagining my dad getting into an ambulance and my mother trying to stay OK,or the horrors stories I have heard of people getting a text during a show that their father just died ,but the the worst one was how there was literally not a thing I could do.


Somewhere during one of these thousand thoughts I had started crying. In rehearsal.


Im not a cryer.


Especially not a public cryer.

I did the best I could to calm down.

I had lots of reasons I needed to.

Taylor saw me crying and of course became terrified.
I needed to calm down to reassure I hadnt just gotten a phone call that our father had died.

I need to stop crying because I had a scene coming up very soon.


I needed to stop crying because people were beginning to notice.




I pulled it together and finished the rehearsal. And came home and ate.

And called my sister and made sure she was taking care of my mom.


And blogged.


So now I feel better.


Sort of.




I really wasnt wrong when I said this summer would be an adventure.

The entire Adele soundtrack

Being fresh out of a break up is like being an old woman. Im grumpy.I get to sleep as much as I want. And I get to say whatever the hell I want. I haven't tried cutting grocery lines yet, but give it time.