I just need to clear my mind now, its been racin' since the summer time

There is this theory that has surfaced, paraphrased below

"Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest."

As most things in our society, its much more complex than that.

Even still, a mixture of education and experiences have lead me to never using "I have a boyfriend" as an out when being hit on.


Because my boyfriend is in fact not the reason I wont take down your number.


Its because you told me you were too heterosexual to wear Nike high tops, and then waited for me to laugh.

Its because when describing your outfit, you used the word "wife beater".

When you told me to hit you up because you were only in town for two days, it wasn't my boyfriend holding me back.

My boyfriend had nothing to do with you forgetting my name.

And when you offered to take me to End Game and buy my drinks, it wasn't my boyfriend stopping me.
And my boyfriend didn't come to mind when I answered "Hard pass" dryly to your next suggestion of buying me lunch.

See because its not that I don't like Barcades, or drinks, or food even.
 I love food. Deeply.


Its because I have no interest in getting to know you.
And you are in no way entitled to chances as I am in no way obligated to give them.

Then leave without warning, so take me home

Something about this semester is very different.
As I walk the torn sidewalks, the school has changed almost as much as I have.
At eleven, two and in between I see reflections of myself four years ago.
Lost eyes pulled together in apprehensive discomfort, gleaning with confusion.
Eyes that don't know where to begin.
I walk slow, appreciating my remaining time while simultaneously comforting the pairs of eyes one by one.
Eyes that meet mine frustrated, scared and overwhelmed, and depart relieved, hopeful.


I don't have to look back four years to remember my own eyes mirroring theirs.
They are the same eyes that looked up at red brick buildings built in 1885.
They show the same confusion and fear, masked by excitement.
The same eyes that lead shaky hands to open the acceptance letter.
The same eyes that absorb every second of the people I love.
The places I love.


At the end of the day, I walk the path to my car slowly.
Telling myself someday those red brick buildings will be just as familiar.
Telling myself, there I will meet someone with the same helpful, friendly eyes.

Why you gotta be so rude?

Thoughts I just have to vocalize for now.


At this point in my life, I would be truly offended if someone asked my father if they could marry me. Truly.


The other day I was in math and I was like "I should go on a diet soon..."then I was like "Wait no I have actually important shit to do"
I had the same thought while looking at hair tutorials. hashtag objective hair out of my face hashtag top knot


It kills me when I post a status about female empowerment, gender roles, or domestic abuse and only females like it.



I love when people say "mankind"or "thats so gay"and then look at me and mockingly apologize to me and correct themselves, as if making a joke of my beliefs.
Keep teasing me about how inclusively and consciously I speak by speaking inclusively and consciously- I want you to.


The other day I realized "man" is  the base of "human".
Eff it.*rolls eyes and tosses hands up gingerly.*


Ive stopped giving power to the fact I will be viewed, perceived and treated differently because Im a woman and just started doing, saying, and reacting however I want to. Hashtag im too agressive Hashtag im too cocky hashtag im unapologetic.




Thats it.

So show me why you're strong-ignore everybody else.

Upon becoming an empty nester, my mother has started actively using her facebook, a first for her.

She signs her comments with her name.


My brother left for his mission about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

People are excited for him, so they often ask me about it. How he is doing, what I think of it...etc

I'm never as happy to talk about it as I feel they expected.


In fact for the first week I couldn't even talk about it without tearing up and consequently abruptly changing the subject.

My first email was nothing but jokes about how Im sure my life is more interesting than his.


My brother hugged me goodbye tight. My face in his shoulders, I could only hear the tears in his voice as he said "Ïm going to miss you so much, Im so proud of you, just keep doing what your doing, Im so proud of you - know that."

My response was a monotone "love you, bye"

I walked away fast.

because as anyone who I've broken up with knows, I'm not good with emotions I don't like and Im even worse with goodbyes.


My brother was inactive before I was. We became best friends once I attended college with him, and at the same time, became inactive myself.
We were each others allys when family came into town and aggressively "invited" us to church. Allys when we sat through cult-like ceremonies of children in all white.... him and I turning to each other with wide eyes and terrified eyebrows.

People around me have either forgotten or never knew how close Taylor and I were, not understanding my silence that glistens with anger.

As Taylor began ASU and I began devout feminism both distance and believes slowly lulled us from one another. My resentment and his admiration for the church growing at the same pace.

I cried when Taylor left, but I think I cried most when I found out he was leaving.

To me he's already been gone a long time.



Thats all Im really ready to say at this point.

And they're goin to better places, but our friends will be gone away

This semester has been without a doubt my favorite semester of all time. 

I moved out of my parents house. I live with a houseful of positive, encouraging and loving women. My room is cute.
I absolutely love where I live and who I live with.

I gave my first comprehensive sex education presentation. Multiple times.
Its crazy to think how far I've come in less than a year. I was grassrooting female sexual entitlement with efforts to avoid heternomativity? Last summer I wrote this blog, and look how far I've come since then.

After the presentation I was completely overcome with gratitude to those who encouraged me and supported me throughout the process. It was honestly so exhausting and I could not have done it without my support team and those who picked up my slack. Namely Mona ,Pixi, Nathan B., Sunny,my little sister Sarah and especially T for all the conversations in which she talked me down from my fears and insecurities involving the project and my ability level.
Thanks to the outrageous success of the shirt, this presentation had such high expectations, and I'm so grateful for everyone who contributed to my emotional, physical and academic ability to pull it off. It seriously was a team effort.



I ran for Student Body President and lost to the most deserving incredible candidate. Martin is already doing impressive things for the college community, and I can think of no one better fit for the position.

I was offered the position of Executive Director of the Events Programming Council, which I think of as home. I accepted , and consequently agreed to one more year at MCC. I will be filling some pretty big shoes.

     

                                                             






This was my first semester ever taking math or science courses, something I had put off because I felt incapable of doing well in those courses. I finished the semester with straight A's. Making my first ever A in math.









I have always known the kind of person I want to be, and this semester, I made real strides in achieving that.

I am completely blown away at the amazing opportunities I was given. More so, I was and am so deeply grateful for the amazing humans I met along the way. I was lucky enough to surround myself with people who genuinely shaped me into the best person I have ever been. These people made me value my experiences with MCC so much more than they will ever know.

This school year is a hard one to say goodbye to with so many of my close friends who have been so integral to my positive experiences headed off to university.
Next year has a lot to surpass,but I plan on it.

 

You're the only one that I want, think Im addicted to your light.

During the second week of school I met this human named T,who dressed sharp and stood out, as she was in no way like others at MCC.

I met her briefly at an EPC event, and thought nothing of it. Later in the day I walked into the EPC office and saw her. We started small talk that turned into me telling her things its taken me years to entrust in my closest friends. And she did likewise. I learned more of her queer sexuality and gender fluidity.

We were fast friends. I lit up every time I saw her.


A week or so later I asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me. She asked if it was a date and I answered yes.

Here is the thing its taken me a few years to realize.
Growing up Mormon, I think of dates much differently than others.
So while many people think a date is a small step of commitment, I think of a date as something you do involving chalk, ice cream, and the expectation of platonic friendship.


We went on the date and talked all about our sexuality.She had heard a lot of my reputation of being a man eater and told me she just needed to learn my language to know how to categorize me. I elaborated on my new label of "queer" which I had very recently enacted to unsubscribe from heteronormativity. I refused to cut off half the population just because I'd been socialized it was the normal thing, and didnt like that people could just assume my sexuality. I also informed her I have much stronger, quicker developing feelings for men,and have historically dated only men, and while I wouldn't rule out dating a girl, I didn't really see it happening.

She categorized me as straight female friend.


Due to this label, I trusted her with all my secrets. All the secrets about current situations with a certain boy, all my insecurities, everything really.

We just kept becoming stronger friends, and from that came a sense of protection. We were always looking out for the other.
T never made any advancements or attempts to sway me. T kept it more "just friends" than I did.


We went on a 4 day school trip to San Diego . Throughout this trip small things kept happening that would build into pretty undeniable "more-than-friend-feelings" . Things like collecting shells on the beach like little kids, things like her stepping between me and creepy men, things like brushing our teeth alongside each other at the end of the night, thinking that is how I wanted everyday to end.

One night on the light-rail to go downtown with all our friends,I held her hand for no reason. And then held her hand all night. And then on the entire bus drive home.

Something in our dynamic had shifted. I told T I didn't want  to change anything until I was sure of what it was.

Uhm,
That was a whole crazy process of me deciphering what I had learned though my socialization , where were actual feelings, and what was just exciting because it was new, and weighing a loss of privileged as a hetero-projecting person.
I did not overlook this process. I didn't just think..."Ill try this out" or "all the cool kids are doing it" or "this will teach my Mormon parents!"

T means more to me than most people I've ever met, and I would never do anything to just toy with her emotions.
Something was always different with T.

It was a whole self reflecting, societal reflecting, family reflecting process.
And eventually, it all just clicked and I didn't want anyone else. And I couldn't deny the completely new feelings.

And I will tell you, its not easy.
Its not easy to think my support of LGBTQ rights just lost all objectiveness, and therefore power.
Its not easy to have people think you are just a feminist because you're a lesbian (which I'm not, but whatever: labels.)
Its not easy to have you mom change the subject anytime you talk about how your date went that night.
Its not easy to have your dad remind you "God intends ultimate happiness between a married man and woman"
Its not easy to get disgusted stares from complete strangers just for holding someones hand.
Its not easy to kiss with one eye open so no one does or says anything to hurt the person you care about most.


But I think the hardest part is watching the person you care about most sit silently in a Thai restaurant and replay in her head the words of the women who thought it was her place to loudly reprimand us for publicly kissing, and know we can count on that happening again.



But. I couldn't image facing all that garbage with anyone else but her.
She makes me happy, shes socially aware, she's ridiculously musically talented, she's a genius who is probably finding allll the grammar errors in this right now,she dances like a complete bad-ass, she leaves class to find me when she hears I'm having a hard day, she stands for what she believes in with supportable data and passion, she respects every person she meets, she calms me down when I start acting straight crazy.


Last night, T took me on the best date of my entire life which consisted of tasty drinks alongside a lake, bongo lessons (I play claves like a pro) , a racist/sexist dog walker, consequential hilarious jokes about said dog-walker, delicious Thai food, and...wait for it...


MOTHER EFFFING DANCE LESSONS TO PARTITION



T was like..."oh lets stop in this dance studio to see my friends".
And then the instructor is like  "Want to learn this choreography to Partition?"


IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW PARTITION IS MY JAMMMMMMMMMMMM. AND THIS WAS NOT PANSY STUFF. THIS WAS SOME NITTTTTTYYYGRIIITTTYY HIP HOP.

Best date of my life.
2 hours of Beyonce choreography.




Its unexpected. Its unorthodox. Its scary. Its my favorite.

She is my favorite.

So good.

People that put their passion before them being comfortable.

Last Friday I left for a Bridging Cultures trip with MCC.

I am incredibly fortunate to be handed so many opportunities this semester, its honestly changing me faster than I can keep up with.


We went to Tuscon, learned about border patrol, drug smuggling,the environmental detriments due to the WALL and the complicated process of legal application for citizenship.

Did you know citizenship application from mexico in 1993 are just now getting reviewed?. 

Someone who applied for legal citizenship would have to wait my lifetime.

I was greatly impacted by my perception of ignorance surrounding the border issue, and of course had another social justice issue to add to my list of passions. I don't mind. Id rather be informed and "angry" then blissfully apathetic

The next day we went to the Tohono O'odham Nation and learned about the effects of migrants and border patrol.

Did you know United Stated Border Patrol uses large amounts of  Tohono O'odham Nation land and only pays a $1 lease per year.


I had this crazy experience on top of a sacred mountain which consisted of me feeling completely connected to all humans, and consequently crying uncontrollably to the presenter afterward.
It was awesome.

  I saw the same passion and determination in her that I recognize within myself. I also saw her facing the same adversity. I saw her doing the dirty work. The hard work. The work that makes people think you are crazy and makes you lose friends and exhausts you to the point of laying awake at night. The work that opens peoples eyes and changes peoples heart at a glacier pace. I saw myself in her and it made me sad that our lives are both destined to be hard. But I also saw the same response to the struggle we both face.  We couldn't chose any other path, even if we wanted to, which we don't.

We then drove from Tucson to LA and I got road sickness for the first time ever, which was a neat experience.

While in LA we went to Cycadelic Records in Compton to learn about the Rodney King riots as well as the friction within Compton today.
Our Presenter , Lucia  was a female who spoke of growing up in Compton, who spoke of issues I recognize every day within my own town . She spoke my language, sociology terminology rhythmical flowing in her sentences, her passion for her education apparent.
A midst her sea of words she said a sentence I'm sure she never intended to be so impact-full.
"Im trying to write the book I never read"

That only sums up the reason for every single thing I do and every aspiration I have.

I asked her about her schooling after the presentation.
She informed me of her bachelors, and 2 masters all in fields of sociology and her current pursuit of her PhD.
Upon asking her age she answered "26."


Damn.




I have always hated the quote "You can not be what you can not see"

Its often used in feminist movement persuasion.

I never agreed with it because I feel like I have stood for many things I never saw someone stand for, and Im not someone who looks to see if others are doing it before I do so myself.
However, I will tell you, the most impact people in my life are females who do the unexpected. And in turn I believe I can do so too.

I never aspired to achieve a  Masters Degree until I met Mona Scott, who overcame unthinkable opposition to succeed.

And I never wanted 2 Masters until this weekend when I met Lucia.

The drive home from LA was filled more contemplation then I expected from this 4 day trip. Contemplation about social justice, about humanity, about my schooling and life choices.
I made a lot of decisions, but the one I am most sure in is that I now plan on getting 2 masters.
One in Human Sexuality
And one in Race.



BE what you can not see.