When nothing else fits, pick up the pieces and move on

So, I only blog while listening to music.
I am currently in the MCC library on my hour break between classes. Im....working very hard not to sing or dance.


Im failing.


Im also laughing at my own jokes...
So.


The first day of school always terrifies me. I have no idea why. Especially now that Taylor isnt here.
I walked into the hallway of my first class and it was such a movie moment of everyone looking me up and down.

Curse you midriff revealing shirt....



Also, I cant wait till people start dropping out so I can find a damn parking spot.

Here are my classes:

Introduction to Sociology
The systematic study of social behavior and human groups, particularly the influence of culture, socialization, social structure, stratification, social institutions, differentiation by region, race, ethnicity, sex/gender, age, class, and socio/cultural change upon people's attitudes and behaviors

Philosophy of Sexuality
Philosophical examination of sexuality in human life. Historical and critical survey of philosophical and theological views. Comparison and evaluation of contemporary theories about the nature of sexual desire and sexual acts. Implications of theories for contemporary moral problems.

Human Sexuality
Examination of the physical, social, cultural, and institutional contributions to human sexuality. Examination of facts and myths, literature, and changing mores regarding human sexuality to acquire knowledge about cultural and social events and processes. Explores the sexuality of males and females in contemporary society. Prerequisites: Student must be 18 years or older.

Gender and Society
A sociological analysis of the way culture shapes and defines the positions and roles of both men and women in society. Major emphasis on social conditions which may lead to a broadening of gender roles and a reduction of gender role stereotypes and the implications of these changes.

ARENT THOSE CLASSES SO ME?

Im so excited.

And petrified of failure.

Im juggling a crazy school work and social schedule.

Im very conscious of not over committing myself....and Im pretty close to doing so.

My sociology class requires 20 hours of service learning.

Lord be with me.
Like imma start that THIS WEEK.

I never even did a summer recap blog. 

 I wanted to write this lovely blog about how much I grew as a human and the struggle yada yada

Girl, I aint got the time.

Summer Recap:There was lots of pointless drama and I was very busy and I had lots of fun and was vigilant of self growth.

There. Saved us all a good 7 minutes of reading.

Awww, I had some good stories to tell tho......

Free time is a thing of the past.

Im gonna hafta time manage the hell out of this semester.

SO much packing my lunch.

I start school at 9 am till 3pm and then go straight to work till 9:30

I ASKED FOR THIS LIFE. 

I wish we still used shells.

Whats with all thees do-rags in this place?

Oh, I spotted someone just like me.

GET IT BOY. GET IT HEADPHONE BOY.

Look at him giggle.

We dancin.

I love the first day of school.Everyone dresses like they arent trying too hard. All the classes are dead silent and the teachers always say "...you all are so quiet". There is always the one REALLLLY old person who talks too much and the teacher has to awkwardly cut them off to move along.Everyone clings to their phone because that is where there friends live.

I havent started my sexy classes yet. Im sure people wont be shy in those classes. 

In case you cant tell, I have been watching SO MUCH BLACK TELEVISION.

Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta.

Yes mannnnmmm.

I only have science and math after this semester....

Math is probably the only thing in the entire world I fear I can not do.

Seriously I wake up and Im like....."ehhhhhhhhhh math....."

icandoiticandoiticandoit

I wish I would have worked harder in high school. I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time my first 2 years in community college. I wish I had time managed better in the last year.

But in a year from now, I am determined to be proud of what I look back on.

Its really my only option.

I have to go to class now. Bye. 

I got that summertime,summertime sadness

When my sister died in 2005 we moved all of her things into a spare room in our house.I remember seeing a trunk of hers. As a 13 year old that trunk intrigued  me. I remember when I first saw it, I opened it and found nothing but notebooks and envelopes which immediately lost my interest. Over time the trunk got lost. I've since wondered where it ended up, but could never find it.


For anyone who hasn't seen Taylors room. Its monstrous. Huge. No surprise that thing got lost in there. If you keep up with Taylors Facebook, you are well aware he cleaned out a closet to create a recording booth.

Tonight he asked if I would help him clean out the remains of the closet that are now strewn about his bedroom floor. I peaked in his room and saw the trunk.


I opened it and saw so many things. I saw the clock my mother got her for Christmas forever ago. The present she wanted most on her wish list. I remember my mom wrapped batteries for it. Kristy opened the batteries first and quickly came to the realization they were for the clock. I remember my mom acting brainless and making up some story for what the batteries were for.

Little did I know I would not realize my moms brainless imitation potential until I grew up.


I always wanted that clock.

I saw a tiny porcelain doll in a delicate floral print fabric lined box. The one I always begged Kristy to give to me with no success.


All of these things Id wanted her to let me have were now sitting in front of me.


I then moved on to the piles of papers. I was looking for pictures, or even letters from myself to her.

I found the opposite, though.

Lots of letters addressed to me. Ones I had never seen before.


My sister spent a few years apart from the family, and she had written the letters during that time.


They talked a lot about how much she missed me, or how she wished she could see me grow up, or just general encouragement towards me.

Things she meant in relevance to that time, but are increasingly more relevant now.

More than missing her, I usually just wonder what she would think of who I've become. There are times I wish I could ask her advice, or times I know she would understand and defend me when no one else would.


She also had multiple journals, which I read.

I never realized how incredibly similar we are.
I was literally reading journal entries of hers while she was my age now.


She spoke exactly like me, her thought process was exactly like mine.

I learned a lot of new things about her. Not like secrets, just traits I never recognized at my young age.

She mentioned me in them a lot. During which I would have been about 8 or 9.
I always knew I was special to her, but I didn't really know just how much until I read those journal entries.




One of the oddest things about someone dying is that over time you start to forget things about them. Its both the worst and best aftermath.



This trunk was a brick wall of a reminder.


We always had a way of communicating. And I guess we still do.

You can rely on the old mans money, You can save money but it wont get you too far

We are gonna take a break from really deep inspirational blogs about how profound I think my mentality is.



This blog is all about weird things that happen to me while at Goodwill.




I'm positive I rang up a herd of polygamists.
100% Positive.

I watched enough Big Love to know a polygamist when I see one.


Well, 3.

Im only counting the ones who looked old enough to share a husband.
I set the cut off  pretty low....
There were a ton of babies.

But, I mean......that only means they are succeeding at their goal.
Or whatever.


What if polygamy turns into the same status as Homosexuals?

Like in 50 years this blog will be total bigotry.
Already is.


I wish them all the happiness.








Also, today I was carrying a Baseball bat I had found in the clothing section. When you have to take something back to its particular spot its called a "go-back"

I studied for this stuff.


So Im carrying my go-back bat and I walk past a register my friend was ringing up a customer on.
The customer sees me in her peripherals and visibly jumps and shouts "OH! You scared me so badly, I thought you were my husband." She was genuinely shaken . She didn't even do that self conscious laugh you do when you realize you were scared for no reason.



I wanted to give her the number for a woman's shelter.


It was the oddest combination of things.

So many reasons none of that made sense.

I could only conclude her husband often sneaks up on her with baseball bats.




Moving right down the list....


OH.
There was that awesome story of the man who asked me on a date.
The 70 something year old man.


I was ringing up other customers and this guy was sitting in a chair behind me just talking to me.
I was trying to ask a customer questions necessary to complete the check out process and hes just piped in
"You are gonna live a long life. Im sure you dont know this,but you are going to heaven."

I shot back "Oh I know."
I hate when people a) make any kind of assumption about my relationship with a higher power and b) preach to me as if their knowledge makes them superior to me and they are going to save my soul.

Dont ever deliver me a note from Jesus. Him and I talk face to face.


And also, like what assumptions was he making about my life?

Like:"Look at that sad girl working at goodwill. She has made so many mistakes and worries she is going to hell"

Fool. You have never met a 20 year old like me.....

He tells me "You are a good person. Your gonna live a long life. No really Im a psychic with these things."


I laughed and told him Im probably gonna die on the drive home.

I dont know if I blocked this out or if it was really just so blunt it had no smooth transition....

Imagine just being under water and hearing someone address you from above the water. It was that kind of sound and by the time I surfaced all I heard was "I want to meet you at the bar on Mcklintock and the 101 {those streets dont intersect, noob} . Its a fantastic place, the food is delectable.You know, the casino? I will buy you all the food and drink you want. Anything you'd like."

I looked at him in a way that is going to effect my skin when Im older. I cant even tell you where my left eyebrow went...


He honestly lifted his hand to his mouth and said pantomimed drinking and said "Drinks." as if I didn't comprehend. "Your old enough to drink right?"


"SHUCKS. Im not. But thanks for the invite."

All of this as Im trying to ring up this guy who is totally suppressing laughter.





He ends with
"Can, I just tell you, you are beautiful"


I had  been thinking a lot about this compliment prior to this particular occurrence.

I really don't understand it.

What about telling a stranger she is  beautiful is impressive or impactful.
I think to people who don't know their worth, maybe it makes a difference to them.


*DOUCHEBAG ALLERT*

Telling me Im beautiful is like telling me the sun is out while we are both on the same park bench.
And then expecting me to be flattered by your blunt bravery...



Honestly. Im not trying to be cocky...the compliment just makes no sense to me.
I like to hear it every once and a while from my significant other. Maybe on the rare days I need some reassurance, but other than that.....


What is my response supposed to be?

"Thank you"



FOR WHAT?

You didnt make me pretty.

A lucky strand of DNA and some self help tips caused me to appear like this.
Not your compliment.


And I said I was gonna avoid some deep feminism.....



SO I had been thinking  what I would say next time someone complimented me on my looks.

I had decided I would say "Thank you for saying so" or "I appreciate you saying so."


This M-EFFER makes me say "Well, thank you."

Just to shut him up.


The next person who calls me beautiful is gonna get it!


I was so pissed.



YOU JUST LOST ANY CHANCE OF ME MEETING YOU AT THE FREEWAY BAR CASINO.



Maybe next time some stranger calls me beautiful I will just say "And?"


Think about that compliment.

It sucks.



Once a boy said "congratulations on your face" as he shook my hand.

Perfect.


What was I talking about.....


Oh yeah, weird customers at the GWs.


Today, I was cleaning below my counter when this girl abruptly shouts "Hey" towards me.

The same girl who had very rudely told me she refused to donate her 3 cents change because it wouldn't benefit her.


She turned out to be joking.,which she informed me of as I was setting the 3 cents in here hand. Which was actually even more inconvenient (Which would make sense if you knew the cash donation process. Her flop in decisions just made me have to repeat several steps and waste a ton of paper....)


So. She shouts "Hey"


I jump up, customer service face (huge smile) ready and say "How can I help you" dreading interacting again with this lady.


She goes "Well you are just too excited about life." annoyed.

I said "Its only because I'm young. I'm sure I'll lose it soon"
...just like you wench.


She goes "No. Keep it. Do you know Jesus?"


Here we go again with the Jesus thing....


I reply "I sure do"

She quacks, "Then you will be fine."

This video is relevant.

Facebook is selling me.
Look at this!

"Hey man, she likes music and reading and shes single. Click add"
Why is that what shows up!


The books I read?









Thats all.
Im so sleepy.







Ps
This song is good.
A lot



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KaAY7bewd8







andthis

"Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex.

We cannot fight for love as men may do.

We should be wooed and were not made to woo."

im so back to normal.

Lets put this to bed without crawling in your bed

My goodness.
So much frustration.
I can only blame myself for the fact I didnt get around to this earlier.

Since I switched from naturopathy to ....... educating woman (we'll get into that) I have needed to see an adviser to not only inform me of what classes to take, but also point me in the direction of a specific major.

I went to Red Mountain campus hoping the lines would be shorter after hearing horror stories of Dobson campus in which people have been waiting 5 hours to see an adviser.

I walked to the counter where the receptionist sat and informed her I needed to see an adviser.
She took my student information down and then asked me "What is your major?"

I laughed, and murmured "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
and then said "Can you just type in u-h-h-h-h?"

She looked at me plainly, not in the least amused and said..."So General Studies."


"Perfect." I replied, knowing it really didnt matter.

The whole reason I was there was to be TOLD which MAJOR my aspirations would cleanly fit into.



When I met my adviser, well- after she had finished clearly disapproving of the length of my shorts, I told her
"I want to go into sex education for high school girls, but not just the anatomical point of view, more the emotional and mental effects. I want to do preventative education by way of building confidence and communication skills in teenage girls.I'd also like to participate in rehabilitation for sexually abused teens, but I dont really want to go into the psychology aspect, I'd like to avoid becoming a counselor"

She looked at me blankly and said..."I dont even know what that falls under"




She then informed me I have an $80 hold on my account.


Awesome.....so about my future.....



"You could go into counseling" she said flatly.


No, see Im trying to help them before they get completely messed up...


She then walked me to Debbie's desk. Debbie was much friendlier.

I told Debbie the same shpeal but cracked a few more jokes about periods, which were moderately well received.


She said I could become a high school counselor or a nurse.


yeah....noooooooooo


I was starting to get really frustrated, because I don't want to take classes that aren't going to funnel me into what I want to do specifically.


She kept saying, "So you want to do health education."

No. Sex education.
SEX.
You can say it,its not a bad word....
Has anyone ever told you what it is?

I was getting so angry. Why was this so hard. There genuinely is not a SEX EDUCATION program anywhere. Nothing that was plainly close to it.
NO WONDER ALL OF YOUR KIDS ARE GETTING STDS AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES.
Im sure if Debbie and I worked harder we could have found something.
She pulled up lots of degrees which would educate people on changing there eating habits or education on cancer...



She was so nice, but...so far off.

Thats when I started to realize, what I really want to do doesn't exist.

A safe informative place for teenage girls.
And Planned Parenthood doesnt count.


I took her print out on ASU's program for Health Promotion, which seemed to fit the best (even tho it seems to lean towards nutrition *eye roll*)



I was so frustrated. Like fighting back tears frustrated. This is what I want to do, why cant it be easy.


Thats when I realized how much this really meant to me.

I dont want to do something in the neighborhood of what I actually want to do.
I want to do EXACTLY what I aspire to do, even if it means I have to create it myself.
Even if I have to start my own organization similar to Big Brother Big Sister that deals only with sex education for both parents and teens and schools.

I want to educate parents on how repressing sexuality in their off spring can lead to some serious obstacles later in life.
I want to teach parents how to talk to their kids about sex at a young age and handle it when their kids grow up and dont listen to them.
I want to arm teenage girls with the confidence,communication skills and education it takes to get out of high school alive.
I want to completely free the constraints media has put on woman that they themselves believe.


Even if I have to build it from the ground up and work really hard.
I want to change the entire connotation of  "Sexual Education"
I want Sex to no longer be a bad word.





Im gonna dig a little deeper and talk with some non-profits and sex educators just to see what programs are already out there and how I can get involved.


So. I thought today would clear things up, but it apparently did the opposite.






Classes start in about two weeks...wonder what Im gonna take?

Momma always said get a rich boyfriend, you don't gotta love him girl you can pretend

The more I become interested in woman's oppression in the States, the more I wonder how much I enable it myself.

I made the joke the other day that I'm a feminist until it comes to carrying something heavy or paying for my own meals.

Today I tried looking up where a man paying on a date originated from. Of course I assumed it somehow relates back to an exchange of services. And while I never found a phenomenal article on that particular subject, I did find this one.

I agree with the the 5 to keep.

I can stick up for myself, I can support myself, but a boy better open a door for me.

The 5 to ditch, I have mixed feelings on.

I will say when it comes to a man paying on dates, I never let a man pay in full on a date unless I am or intend to be exclusive with him.

I'll let him pay for dinner, but I'll buy dessert.

And once I am in a relationship, believe me when I say, its 50/50 

Furthermore, If I asked the guy on the date, you better know Im gonna pay.

As far as a man asking my father for permission.

 My feminist brain protests wildly against it as it was originally done as ,essentially, a purchase or exchange.

But my Disney princess brain thinks that's how its supposed to go.

And I'll tell you why.

Because the my father was the one who took care of me all these years, and now , my fantastic hardworking and wealthy boyfriend is asking my father if he trusts him to become the one to take care of me.

Good thing I was so lucky to have so many men to take care of me. I never could have done that on my own.

I can still see its appeal, aside from blatant tradition. Its making sure the father approves of the guy. I get it, I get it.

Speaking of my extremely wealthy boyfriend.

I preach about how woman are objectified, but, we do the same thing to men.

The other day a family member was trying to sell me on dating this guy.

He told me "He's funny, he's religious, hes a great guy, and he makes good money"

And I'll admit my ears perked up.

I cant tell you how many times I have never given a guy a chance because of his career aspirations.Or his height.Mostly just his height, cuz lets be real, I've dated a lot of actors. A lot of tall actors.

(you fish where you swim) 

So why does a guy pay on a date, even when he knows he aint getting any afterwards? Because he can. Look at all the things this man will pay for. 

I'll take my share of the blame in completely buying into that. But there is also a portion of the blame that can be attributed to a young girl being led to believe that is what she should strive for.

A man with money. Because someone in the marriage has to be making it, and , honey, it aint gonna be the woman.

 Yes its because she will be less educated. Yes its because she has low career aspirations. 

Yes, its because she will be home with the kids.

Because that is what shes expected to do. That's what she has been modeled to do. 

Obviously, this is not true for all woman, and I'm certainly not saying a woman who stays home with the kids is a waste of student loans. 

 Let me clearly stress that I do not think a stay at home mother is any less intelligent, driven,or hardworking than a Female CEO who built her company from the ground up.

All Im trying to say is:

why do you pay for the girl on a date?

why do you let the guy pay?

who taught your daughter she needed taking care of?

She's richer than Croesus, she's tougher than leather

Sunday,while waiting for my  improv show to begin I was chatting with my little sister, I looked over and saw this hooligan laser pointing the stage.

This is a boy I have been inclined to dislike for no particular reason other than he makes ignorant jokes about woman, and attends the show with a girl who also makes ignorant jokes about woman.

I also just dislike her because all of the male troupe members think shes attractive.
(Every once and a while I think and act like a girl. I know, I hate it.)



So i go over to him and jokingly say "Im sorry, Im gonna have to confiscate that as we do not allow laser pointers during our shows"

He couldnt tell if I was joking or not, and niether could his friends and to be honest, niether could I.

He started being a little butt face and so I said " look, just make sure you dont use it durring the show"

He implied "What are you gonna do about it"



My two  6 foot something 200 pound something brothers were BOTH at the show, and my brother Andrew (the tough one) was right behind this boy. I said "Do we have a problem? Andrew, we might have a problem"

Still pretty much joking...

As I said this the entire bar got quiet, thinking we were genuinly fighting. We werent, but I did want this kid to shut up....

I expected Andrew to stand up, the boy would get scared, and everyone would laugh and it would be over.

But Andrew Just sits there smiling.
The brother who said he will knock out any boy for me just sits there and smiles and blinks.


I looked back at the punk kid and said "i want to hear you say 'No Manm, we dont have a problem"


He looks at me.
and says "i could call you by your name, and say "Yes Bitch, we do have a problem"


I instantly went from any shred of joking to full on serious

"Now we have a problem"


I do not stand for men calling me a bitch.
Even jokingly.
I have had boyfriends who say it as a complete joke and I have to stop them and tell them I wont tolerate it, even as a joke


If a girl calls me a bitch tho, I really dont care.


So this stranger calls me a bitch in a bar.

With my 2 giant brothers right behind him.


And what do you think happens.

Andrew looks around.
And Taylor walks past me like hes never met me before.


At this point we are both aware the entire bar is listening to us.
The boy stands up and says "Look, I dont know if you are trying to scare me, but Im a full grown man and Im not gonna let some woman tell me what to do"

I said "When you reach 5"8 , then we'll talk" and I walked away.



What I learned from that night is that I cant depend on my brothers to protect me.


But on the bright side, I know they wont inflict any harm on future boys I bring home.






All I know is Nathan would have handled it.

You've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried

Jeappersss guys.

Seriously guys. I have had no time to blog at all regardless of the fact I have tons to blog about. In the past 5 days I have been home for about 3 hours (sleeping excluded) (#lovemybed)


Wanna know why its raining here?

Because I have a job which consequently forces me to be inside while I hear all about the one day of the year its rained.


You're welcome.

I kinda love my job. Ya know....after one day.
For the most part the customers are wicked nice. Yesterday, durring my first day, every single cash register froze and everyone was super patient...
I had a few meanies. But I handled them like a chammmmpppp, whhhaaaaaatttttt

Also, I get to touch clothes all day. Which is my favorite.
Id be completely happy doing nothing but floor work. Just setting clothes back on the racks.
Its like shopping but instead its like torture.

Some of my customers has the most impressive dollar deals Ive ever seen.
GET. IT.



Oh, get this, I WORK THIS SATURDAY WHICH IS HALLLLFFFF OFFFFFF SATURDAY.


OHHHHH GET READDDDY



Last night I caught up with my old Friend Michal Paris.

She is currently attending SWIHA and so is her man, who was at her apartment. They were talking about massage therapy and I asked them to use my body.


Sweet baby, it was such a gorgeous experience.

I got what is called a 4-hand massage

If there was a drug that made me feel that way, Id do it.

AND.

The Momma and Pappas were playing on vinyl.


It was so euphoric.



It was perfect.
On all accounts.


And then we drank iced coffee from mason jars and put her bike in my car and drove to SWIHA.

We're so perfect together.


I gotta keep this one short because I have work in just a bit.


awwww yeiii.
I get to wear jeans.
Look out.
Aint no one gonna be rude to me with this booty.


My life is so good.